Gaining Wisdom

The last ten months of my every day life have been the most drastically changing for me in my entire life. I haven't written in a long time and that was intentional. I've looked back at my other posts and see how much I fluctuated from "I believe in this..." wait..."No, I was wrong or that's wrong. Now I believe in this..." wait... "Back to the original plan, I'm this or I'm not that." Looking back and comparing where I was back then to where I am now, I can see that I had some major identity issues. I tried to be vegan. I tried to be vegetarian. I was a student aspiring to "be someone important." I was in church to get right with God. I was riding the Identity Tower of Terror ride at Disney World. I'm finally here to write what's been up with me this last year and where I'm at now with all of this. I have the confidence to admit my weaknesses, be transparent for anyone to judge and really not care at all what any of ya think either. I'm not ashamed of my growth one bit. 

I can't even try to sum up where I've been, who I idolized, what things I have idolized, and where I got my satisfaction from. Simply put, I've been living my life in the flesh. That might sound like strange lingo but it really is that simple. I was living in the desires of my human body, making me susceptible to anything that man deems valuable. Yikes! How scary that is to me now! My entire life has been living in a manner to keep up with the worldly expectations of us; get a career, do something that matters, look good on paper, accomplish difficult things, follow your heart. No... there has to be something more than that. There just has to be. Otherwise, what's the point? What a lonely, unsatisfying life to have to worry about the approval of man - care about what job you have, care about how high your education goes, what school you went to, where you live, what car you drive. Yuck... just yuck and clutter in my head with all these human desires and expectations. 

Well, I started attending church... yes, haha, I know... again. I know I'm talking to myself in these blogs, but I like to pretend I'm actually reaching out to someone who cares. So church was random. I didn't want to go. It was back in July. I was invited to go and I didn't want to reject such a polite and sincere invitation. This person genuinely seemed like they wanted to share something awesome with me, so eh, why not? Just go. You'll sit there for an hour or two tops, you'll shake hands with people and you'll leave. You might get a positive message or you might get offended, but so what? You're not committed to anything so you don't owe anyone shit. I think part of me hadn't been to church in so long that I was actually kind of curious what it would be like going to church after three years of being fed up with God and his mysterious ways. I had absolutely no expectations whatsoever. Can't get disappointed when you expect nothing. 

Instead, I was genuinely surprised. Andy, a pastor of this church called, "Restored" was talking about church planting and how he left a 6 figure position to begin a church. So no more benefits, no more steady income, but he felt that it was important for him to plant a church and actually practice what the prophets of the Bible taught about discipleship. Who in their right mind leaves a 6 figure job with full benefits who has a wife, two kids and a baby on the way? He believed he needed to create more communities that know God so that more people can know who he is, learn of his grace and good news so they may become new people no longer living inside their flesh. HUH?! That actually made sense to me! This is a guy totally putting faith in God to do something completely unsure and unsafe because he trusted God more than he trusted man! Never heard that one before. 

But I remained cautious. I kept going to church with my guards up and my cautions high. But the more I talked to other members and listened to others testimonies, the more I couldn't ignore what was happening inside of me. I was learning things that went completely against a human's way of experiencing struggles, conflict and desires. People's testimonies were the most powerful words I have ever heard spoken publicly. People were sharing their stories of how they used to live their lives - this included eating disorders, prejudices, cheating on a spouse, pornography addictions, etc, you name it. They admitted to living their lives this way and how learning the Gospel completely flipped their worlds as they knew it to be upside down. They changed. They quit those behaviors and they didn't receive medication, or modern psychology to modify behaviors. They had real, heart wrenching stories of pain and suffering sharing this for all of us to judge, so transparent, honest in their wrongdoings but had so much hope, joy and peace filling their lives now that they want to turn around and share those same awesome feelings with everyone else. And each and every one of these people gave their heart change's credit to God, not themselves. Their stories turned into being about how good God is and how he restores people. Totally different than anything I had ever heard or experienced anywhere... ever...

What is this Gospel they speak of? Well, I kept going to church. I started to reach out. I dug into the word. I read the Bible now. Never did that before. I think had I actually read the New Testament before, I'd have known of the good news a long time ago. But whatever. I'm not even measuring my time as  a bad or good thing. I'm just noticing how my pride got in the way of me accepting the Gospel as truth and the light to peace and true satisfaction. The goodness of God has me mesmerized and I have been digging deeper ever since this summer into the Lord's goodness. It really is just that... goodness. My identity issues that I had for most of my life have slowly dissipated over this year.

 As I grew more with God in my heart, I checked my intentions on everything that I do. Going to school before truly knowing God was all about my ego - building my confidence up and seeking the approval of man to get a career and climb the "success ladder" that man created. But now, if I go back to school, it's not because I seek the approval of man or need a degree to have confidence. It is simply because I feel I can do more with what I have been given and could possibly have more opportunities to help people if I acquire more skills. I don't feel bad for being where I'm at because to feel bad about not having accomplished a dozen hard things by now is to indirectly admit that it matters what others think about me. Why should I feel bad about not keeping up with the world's shallow expectations? I used to though! But God is so much better. That is the beauty in all of my struggles. God's way is so much better than anything humans have to offer. Humans are finicky, prideful, competitive, and just quite simply broken. Everyone needs God. Not just me, not just Hitler. Real, every day people need a Savior from themselves. It's a shame how much religion has distorted the Gospel and has turned it into the damnation of souls, hell, shame and punishment. The Gospel is good news. I've never been able to say that before. But the fact that my identity no longer lies in the fate of man is proof that I have been rescued and am ever so glad to tell you that it was God.

2014 Holidays

Thanksgiving was unusual this year. We normally get together with the in-laws and host, but since they couldn't make it down, we went to a co-worker's house full of people we didn't know that well. It was delicious food and all, but I didn't feel like being there. It was a last minute thing, and I asked to bring the dog. They said yes at first, then changed their mind right when we were heading out the door. We ate OUTSIDE and no one was hanging out inside so that made me irritated and we left right after we ate. I didn't feel bad about it one bit since we brought two delicious side dishes and left it there for them. So I didn't feel rude at all. I was happy to go home and spend the rest of the day with Chester. What's the point of having a dog if you're not going to spend time with him? People who don't like animals annoy me and I also don't trust people that don't like animals. There's just something wrong with you if you don't like a dog. They are the most innocent, lovable and loyal creatures. I consider Chester part of the family and I wouldn't have it any other way.

Still no word on Jezzybell. She ran away on our anniversary and we never saw her again. Part of me feels like, "Good riddens ungrateful dog!" lol. We're a great home for a pet. If you wanna be somewhere else, peace out then. Chester never runs away so he obviously knows he has it good here. He loves to be with us. He's actually the best dog I have ever had in my life. I'm also much more mature and know exactly how to treat and train a dog. He gets his daily walks and he has discipline in the house, so he listens and respects other people's space. When I was younger, I didn't know what the hell I was doing and didn't have a husband to help me out if I stayed late at work. Ron and I can take turns feeding and walking the dog. Teamwork really makes a difference as a pet parent. Being a single parent is hard. lol. 

Christmas was wonderful. Chandra and Lyla came down and I love those two dearly. They make up for the family I never had. I can talk to them about anything and I can truly be myself with them. I can't wait to go up for a visit and go wine tasting with them. That's one thing I can never do with my family. They'll never understand how people can drink and not go overboard with it or be happy enjoying it. They think it's wrong, and I used to always feel like a loser because I have always enjoyed drinking. But now as an adult, I see how normal it really is and how ANYTHING in life can be taken out of moderation. Food for some people is a serious problem and may result in obesity for them. So are there bad examples of people who drink? Yes, but there are bad examples of people who eat too. There are many forms of bad habits that shouldn't be blamed on substance. The user of the substance is the one with the control. It's something my family is never going to understand, and will always look down on me for. To this day, it still hurts to know that they feel superior to the way I choose to live my life. 

The Holidays tend to be bittersweet for me because I am reminded of how uncomfortable it is to be around my own "family", but then I am glad that I have people who love me just the way I am. Lyle, Chandra, Pop, Art, Bobby, Floyd - my in laws. Tia Nidia, vo'vo', my tios and primas en Brasil. Being married to Ron has given me a family. I am grateful for that and try not to be too sad about what I don't have with my immediate "family." I guess that's one of the beautiful things about adoption. You don't bond to people who didn't bring positivity to your life. Later in life, I chose who I would be bonded to. I am really curious what it would be like to have someone that you are blood related to. Since I don't have that sense of loyalty or bond to immediate family, I really wonder what it feels like to have a biological sibling. So what would it feel like to have a child? That would be my first biological bond ever. Part of me feels like I should experience having a biological connection to someone. But when I take a look around, it seems like there are more unhappy parents than happy ones. That's what keeps being childless in perspective for me. If I start seeing more happy parents, then maybe I'll reconsider. lol.

New Years wasn't quite the experience that I am used to. We went to a boat doc party and it was mostly old people. Most of them stayed in their boats because it was chilly outside and not all of them were the most friendly people. I wanted to dance and have a good time, but this definitely wasn't the crowd for that. We won't be doing this again next year. I really want to party with the Custodio family again. I miss doing New Years with them. They are such awesome people. I feel like that's the family I was meant to be born in. lol. They dance, drink, do karaoke, have games and good food! That's 100% me! Our first New Years with them sealed the bond between us. We enjoyed two more New Years with them. I'll never consider doing New Years any other way from now on. Next year, we'll be back with the Filipino family! :-) 

On a serious note, this year has been interesting. I'm learning more about myself and getting more comfortable with myself too. If someone doesn't like me, I don't let it eat me up like I used to. I don't chase anyone to earn their approval. I let people make their assumptions because the ones that jump to conclusions about you aren't worth your time anyway. You'll always have to prove yourself to them. But if someone takes the time to ask questions and get to know you properly, that is the friend that will stay consistently in your life. I don't believe in, "Friends come and go." I still have friends from my childhood. I have made friends over the last few years that are still in my life today. I keep people around who build me up and bring something positive to my life. The only people who have "came and went" are people that weren't really my friends to begin with. So therefore, friends don't come and go. Friends stay. Insincere people go. Going into 2015, I am going to continue doing what is important to me and won't explain myself to anyone that doesn't ask sincere questions.