What a roller coaster ride this year has been. I realize life is nothing but a roller coaster but I think I hit one of the crazy high up and down parts of the ride in 2012. The beginning of our move here was nothing but excitement and the hype of being in Southern California had me at an all time high, the peak of the roller coaster. I didn't anticipate the dramatic effect of spiraling back down that same ride so quickly. This was supposed to be a great change in our lives together. But this hasn't been an easy year for me. There are too many negative experiences I had this year that ended up stressing me out and pushed me into depression. Boy this move to San Diego was a much more difficult adjustment than any other move I have made. I changed my entire life. We came here because we felt it would be great to be closer to Ron's family and friends. I was willing to make the jump and sacrifice what I built in San Jose. But since we've arrived, we have seen his friends once or twice this entire year. Some of the other ones, I have seen a few more times than that. Being closer to family also doesn't seem to be as special as I felt it would. That may sound bad in some way but it is simply the way it is.
The reality has set in with this whole move. Having to make new friends this time around has been difficult. I haven't really built that connection that I have with the friends I made in San Jose with the people here. I am hanging out with people my age now so that's a huge difference from my past. However, I am on a completely different planet than most of them. I developed differently from what most people experience growing up. As a result, I can't relate very well to a lot of people my age. The only thing that creates some type of bond is the need for me to socialize and have fun so I let my hair down, go drinking and dancing occasionally. Still, it doesn't fill the void from the true friendship absence for the past year.
One step in a positive direction from all this is that it has forced me to focus on myself entirely. I still haven't established myself and have been avoiding for the longest time what I want to do with my life. Being alone here has forced me to look in the mirror and discover what's missing. That got me back into school again. I got side tracked from my goal of completing an education when we moved. I didn't have a job right away which inevitably meant I did not have money to pay for school when the semester began. Finally, I did get a job and was able to pay for the next semester. It seems like I'm getting back on track and actually going somewhere with my life now. Ron is tutoring me in math so I can test into algebra. If I can successfully freshen up my math skills and test into algebra, then I am on a one year track to San Marcos State University. I didn't even realize I was that close. But with that will come another difficult year ahead of me. Ron and I are going to be financially strapped a bit while I take on the next 2 semesters as a full time student to speed up the process. I learned the hard way that I can struggle with these unfulfilling jobs for the rest of my life or I can struggle for a few more years and then have a career that I will be fulfilled with. I don't want to view work as a job anymore. To me, a job is something I don't want to do. And that's what all of my past jobs became eventually. 8 years of customer service is what has made me resent people as I tend to see them in their most impatient state of being. Serving people for money is modern day slavery. Enough is enough.
I am a simple girl for the most part and honestly don't need the luxurious life style to be happy. I've been living humble since I moved out at 18 with dead end jobs as the rest of the world would say. I convinced myself that I could be happy living a humble life and yes, that is still true today. But I realized along the way that I cannot be happy performing jobs that make me feel inadequate by being treated as a number. I haven't been valued at any of my jobs and so how can you be happy if you feel replaceable? Of course they can always find someone else for any position, but I would at least like to feel that I am making a difference in some way. And that's when I realized I was going to have to conform to society in the ways of obtaining an education. There's no way around it. I just have to do it since that is what employers value. I have a different attitude about it now. School is no longer a hassle to me like it was when I was in high school. I'm approaching it with a positive attitude and I'm liking what I learn. I'm gaining knowledge and I crave more of it. Definitely the right approach to school.
Finally, I think I have a major in mind that I would be happy with and can do great things with. Psychology! I think I'd be a great therapist. I care about people, how they feel and naturally want to make them feel better or be there for them when they're down! Yes I realize this involves a masters degree and PhD. Regardless, it's a subject I enjoy learning about and I'll take it one step at a time from here. A bachelors in psychology is absolutely an attainable goal. We'll see where I am once I'm there. As I have been snapping out of depression through the development of this new habit of mine called exercise, I have started to care more about my life. I am now looking into the future, not just the present anymore. That's when it dawned on me that I need to stop with the quick fixes. I saw culinary school as a way to be done with school fast and begin working quicker doing something I like. But ten years down the road, would I be fulfilled? I had doubts about that. Exercise has taught me discipline and I am going to apply that same discipline in my educational goals. If you want results that you can be proud of, you can't cheat time. Becoming a therapist will certainly take time, but again, looking into my future, I will not be fulfilled if I don't allow time to take me where I should be. No more thoughts of "I can't do that." Yes I can.
