Elizabeth Hess

A.k.a "Grandma Hess"

She passed away this week, and as much as I'd like to feel something, I don't.

I did not attend the funeral today. It was in Utah and I have school. The whole situation is a bit awkward for me because I never had a relationship with her since I turned 12 years old. The summer I turned 12, she told me she wanted to talk to me alone and had me follow her into the basement. She pulled my arm and told me to look her in the eyes. Once she felt she had my full attention with eye contact, she said, "I am not your Grandma. You are not my Granddaughter. I do not love you." She walked away, went upstairs and closed the door behind her, leaving me alone and confused.

After that, I did not go to Utah anymore to visit my grandparents when my family took family vacations to go to Utah and visit "my grandparents" (mom's parents). It was made known to me that she took down all photos of me, and told people she has four grandkids, not five.

Well, I'm 26 years old now, and over the years, I got over her immaturity and inexcusable behavior for an adult. I stopped caring when I got to high school, and I never put myself in a situation to have conversation with her. I've seen her here and there over the last few years when I went to Utah, and have even said hi to her, and smiled.

So you'll have to pardon my lack of emotional response. The only thing sad about her death is the way she died. She died a miserable person, who did not make peace with anyone. She was angry with the entire family before she passed. I was disgusted to see on facebook a photo posted that stated, "You were an amazing woman that will be loved and missed by your grandkids!" I had to untag myself from that because that would be a big, fat lie on my part going along with that. Whatever experiences my little sister had with her were not mine, and so I will opt out of the positivity on this one.

I do not know the woman they speak of and talk so nicely about. I do not know her to be a kind person. "Grandma" Elizabeth Hess was not my Grandma, but merely ended up being an acquaintance to me over the last fourteen years.

To this day, I still do not know why she hated me or chose not to love me or know me. With that said, I have learned to move on, and just in case she's being held at the gates of heaven waiting on my forgiveness, I forgive her. But I can't make the calls on where she ends up after that. Chief Massasoit taught me that it only hurts yourself when you hold onto anger. The benefit is not in what you naturally feel, but what you fight against. So I fought anger and bitterness for a long time until I realized that it was taking energy to care. Once I stopped caring, I became a lot happier.

Since my only attachment to this person is through my family, the only thing I can honestly say about her passing is, "Rest in peace."

No Place Like Home

It is official. We are getting the keys to our house this week! I am starting to understand how real this is as each day goes by. Suddenly, I feel ready to go. I am excited to be in a place that I can call, "home." Things will be tight at first, but it's okay. I am ready to strap down, and have a place of my own that I can relax in and invite guests to. I love my kitchen. I love my patio. I love my lemon tree and orange tree. Fresh lemonade and orange juice from now on? Yes, please. 

We went to Home Depot today to look at some things we'll need for the house like window curtains and screens. One of our friends up north is moving out of his house that he has been renting for years, so we get to collect the extra furniture for our guest bedroom as well as a fridge, washer, dryer and other things that we may need. The timing is coincidentally perfect.

At last, today, I can say I feel better! Last night was my first night of deep sleep for six hours straight. I didn't have to wake up every hour to blow my nose, cough or take more medication. Ah, it feels so good to breathe again. This is going to be a good week. I can already tell.

Home sweet home... here we come.