The last ten months of my every day life have been the most drastically changing for me in my entire life. I haven't written in a long time and that was intentional. I've looked back at my other posts and see how much I fluctuated from "I believe in this..." wait..."No, I was wrong or that's wrong. Now I believe in this..." wait... "Back to the original plan, I'm this or I'm not that." Looking back and comparing where I was back then to where I am now, I can see that I had some major identity issues. I tried to be vegan. I tried to be vegetarian. I was a student aspiring to "be someone important." I was in church to get right with God. I was riding the Identity Tower of Terror ride at Disney World. I'm finally here to write what's been up with me this last year and where I'm at now with all of this. I have the confidence to admit my weaknesses, be transparent for anyone to judge and really not care at all what any of ya think either. I'm not ashamed of my growth one bit.
I can't even try to sum up where I've been, who I idolized, what things I have idolized, and where I got my satisfaction from. Simply put, I've been living my life in the flesh. That might sound like strange lingo but it really is that simple. I was living in the desires of my human body, making me susceptible to anything that man deems valuable. Yikes! How scary that is to me now! My entire life has been living in a manner to keep up with the worldly expectations of us; get a career, do something that matters, look good on paper, accomplish difficult things, follow your heart. No... there has to be something more than that. There just has to be. Otherwise, what's the point? What a lonely, unsatisfying life to have to worry about the approval of man - care about what job you have, care about how high your education goes, what school you went to, where you live, what car you drive. Yuck... just yuck and clutter in my head with all these human desires and expectations.
Well, I started attending church... yes, haha, I know... again. I know I'm talking to myself in these blogs, but I like to pretend I'm actually reaching out to someone who cares. So church was random. I didn't want to go. It was back in July. I was invited to go and I didn't want to reject such a polite and sincere invitation. This person genuinely seemed like they wanted to share something awesome with me, so eh, why not? Just go. You'll sit there for an hour or two tops, you'll shake hands with people and you'll leave. You might get a positive message or you might get offended, but so what? You're not committed to anything so you don't owe anyone shit. I think part of me hadn't been to church in so long that I was actually kind of curious what it would be like going to church after three years of being fed up with God and his mysterious ways. I had absolutely no expectations whatsoever. Can't get disappointed when you expect nothing.
Instead, I was genuinely surprised. Andy, a pastor of this church called, "Restored" was talking about church planting and how he left a 6 figure position to begin a church. So no more benefits, no more steady income, but he felt that it was important for him to plant a church and actually practice what the prophets of the Bible taught about discipleship. Who in their right mind leaves a 6 figure job with full benefits who has a wife, two kids and a baby on the way? He believed he needed to create more communities that know God so that more people can know who he is, learn of his grace and good news so they may become new people no longer living inside their flesh. HUH?! That actually made sense to me! This is a guy totally putting faith in God to do something completely unsure and unsafe because he trusted God more than he trusted man! Never heard that one before.
But I remained cautious. I kept going to church with my guards up and my cautions high. But the more I talked to other members and listened to others testimonies, the more I couldn't ignore what was happening inside of me. I was learning things that went completely against a human's way of experiencing struggles, conflict and desires. People's testimonies were the most powerful words I have ever heard spoken publicly. People were sharing their stories of how they used to live their lives - this included eating disorders, prejudices, cheating on a spouse, pornography addictions, etc, you name it. They admitted to living their lives this way and how learning the Gospel completely flipped their worlds as they knew it to be upside down. They changed. They quit those behaviors and they didn't receive medication, or modern psychology to modify behaviors. They had real, heart wrenching stories of pain and suffering sharing this for all of us to judge, so transparent, honest in their wrongdoings but had so much hope, joy and peace filling their lives now that they want to turn around and share those same awesome feelings with everyone else. And each and every one of these people gave their heart change's credit to God, not themselves. Their stories turned into being about how good God is and how he restores people. Totally different than anything I had ever heard or experienced anywhere... ever...
What is this Gospel they speak of? Well, I kept going to church. I started to reach out. I dug into the word. I read the Bible now. Never did that before. I think had I actually read the New Testament before, I'd have known of the good news a long time ago. But whatever. I'm not even measuring my time as a bad or good thing. I'm just noticing how my pride got in the way of me accepting the Gospel as truth and the light to peace and true satisfaction. The goodness of God has me mesmerized and I have been digging deeper ever since this summer into the Lord's goodness. It really is just that... goodness. My identity issues that I had for most of my life have slowly dissipated over this year.
As I grew more with God in my heart, I checked my intentions on everything that I do. Going to school before truly knowing God was all about my ego - building my confidence up and seeking the approval of man to get a career and climb the "success ladder" that man created. But now, if I go back to school, it's not because I seek the approval of man or need a degree to have confidence. It is simply because I feel I can do more with what I have been given and could possibly have more opportunities to help people if I acquire more skills. I don't feel bad for being where I'm at because to feel bad about not having accomplished a dozen hard things by now is to indirectly admit that it matters what others think about me. Why should I feel bad about not keeping up with the world's shallow expectations? I used to though! But God is so much better. That is the beauty in all of my struggles. God's way is so much better than anything humans have to offer. Humans are finicky, prideful, competitive, and just quite simply broken. Everyone needs God. Not just me, not just Hitler. Real, every day people need a Savior from themselves. It's a shame how much religion has distorted the Gospel and has turned it into the damnation of souls, hell, shame and punishment. The Gospel is good news. I've never been able to say that before. But the fact that my identity no longer lies in the fate of man is proof that I have been rescued and am ever so glad to tell you that it was God.
