2014 Holidays

Thanksgiving was unusual this year. We normally get together with the in-laws and host, but since they couldn't make it down, we went to a co-worker's house full of people we didn't know that well. It was delicious food and all, but I didn't feel like being there. It was a last minute thing, and I asked to bring the dog. They said yes at first, then changed their mind right when we were heading out the door. We ate OUTSIDE and no one was hanging out inside so that made me irritated and we left right after we ate. I didn't feel bad about it one bit since we brought two delicious side dishes and left it there for them. So I didn't feel rude at all. I was happy to go home and spend the rest of the day with Chester. What's the point of having a dog if you're not going to spend time with him? People who don't like animals annoy me and I also don't trust people that don't like animals. There's just something wrong with you if you don't like a dog. They are the most innocent, lovable and loyal creatures. I consider Chester part of the family and I wouldn't have it any other way.

Still no word on Jezzybell. She ran away on our anniversary and we never saw her again. Part of me feels like, "Good riddens ungrateful dog!" lol. We're a great home for a pet. If you wanna be somewhere else, peace out then. Chester never runs away so he obviously knows he has it good here. He loves to be with us. He's actually the best dog I have ever had in my life. I'm also much more mature and know exactly how to treat and train a dog. He gets his daily walks and he has discipline in the house, so he listens and respects other people's space. When I was younger, I didn't know what the hell I was doing and didn't have a husband to help me out if I stayed late at work. Ron and I can take turns feeding and walking the dog. Teamwork really makes a difference as a pet parent. Being a single parent is hard. lol. 

Christmas was wonderful. Chandra and Lyla came down and I love those two dearly. They make up for the family I never had. I can talk to them about anything and I can truly be myself with them. I can't wait to go up for a visit and go wine tasting with them. That's one thing I can never do with my family. They'll never understand how people can drink and not go overboard with it or be happy enjoying it. They think it's wrong, and I used to always feel like a loser because I have always enjoyed drinking. But now as an adult, I see how normal it really is and how ANYTHING in life can be taken out of moderation. Food for some people is a serious problem and may result in obesity for them. So are there bad examples of people who drink? Yes, but there are bad examples of people who eat too. There are many forms of bad habits that shouldn't be blamed on substance. The user of the substance is the one with the control. It's something my family is never going to understand, and will always look down on me for. To this day, it still hurts to know that they feel superior to the way I choose to live my life. 

The Holidays tend to be bittersweet for me because I am reminded of how uncomfortable it is to be around my own "family", but then I am glad that I have people who love me just the way I am. Lyle, Chandra, Pop, Art, Bobby, Floyd - my in laws. Tia Nidia, vo'vo', my tios and primas en Brasil. Being married to Ron has given me a family. I am grateful for that and try not to be too sad about what I don't have with my immediate "family." I guess that's one of the beautiful things about adoption. You don't bond to people who didn't bring positivity to your life. Later in life, I chose who I would be bonded to. I am really curious what it would be like to have someone that you are blood related to. Since I don't have that sense of loyalty or bond to immediate family, I really wonder what it feels like to have a biological sibling. So what would it feel like to have a child? That would be my first biological bond ever. Part of me feels like I should experience having a biological connection to someone. But when I take a look around, it seems like there are more unhappy parents than happy ones. That's what keeps being childless in perspective for me. If I start seeing more happy parents, then maybe I'll reconsider. lol.

New Years wasn't quite the experience that I am used to. We went to a boat doc party and it was mostly old people. Most of them stayed in their boats because it was chilly outside and not all of them were the most friendly people. I wanted to dance and have a good time, but this definitely wasn't the crowd for that. We won't be doing this again next year. I really want to party with the Custodio family again. I miss doing New Years with them. They are such awesome people. I feel like that's the family I was meant to be born in. lol. They dance, drink, do karaoke, have games and good food! That's 100% me! Our first New Years with them sealed the bond between us. We enjoyed two more New Years with them. I'll never consider doing New Years any other way from now on. Next year, we'll be back with the Filipino family! :-) 

On a serious note, this year has been interesting. I'm learning more about myself and getting more comfortable with myself too. If someone doesn't like me, I don't let it eat me up like I used to. I don't chase anyone to earn their approval. I let people make their assumptions because the ones that jump to conclusions about you aren't worth your time anyway. You'll always have to prove yourself to them. But if someone takes the time to ask questions and get to know you properly, that is the friend that will stay consistently in your life. I don't believe in, "Friends come and go." I still have friends from my childhood. I have made friends over the last few years that are still in my life today. I keep people around who build me up and bring something positive to my life. The only people who have "came and went" are people that weren't really my friends to begin with. So therefore, friends don't come and go. Friends stay. Insincere people go. Going into 2015, I am going to continue doing what is important to me and won't explain myself to anyone that doesn't ask sincere questions. 

Fake Friends Helped Me Move On

The past several months have been what I will call a recycling period with the people who have come in and out of my life. It really is a vivid image of people from my past coming into my life and either staying or leaving. I have been reconnected with some friends from long ago. Sadly, a few that I thought were friends have shed from me like the dead skin from a snake. I am okay with that though because I have met some remarkable people who have come into my life during this process and am strengthening relationships with people that should remain or be part of my life. It was time to shed the dead weight and move stronger into a new phase of life.

I have been going to church again. A co-worker invited me a few months ago. I had not been to church in a couple years and so I hesitated to say yes at first. I really wasn't feeling it. I have been tired of trying to understand God and his mysterious ways. I took a good, long break from it. I'm glad I did. We all need to go through our own journeys to learn who we are and how to reach our potential. This time at church, I felt different about it. I wasn't going for any particular reason so I didn't feel obligated to like it. It was more of a courteousy acceptance to an invitation of a fellow worker.

Boy, my experience at Restored Church gave me something to remember. I actually felt loved during the worship. I understood what the pastors were talking about. I could relate to them. They are simple people, not rich or making money the way Joel Olsteen is or most religions. They spoke thought provoking things that challenge your character as a human being on earth. Things that could apply to even an Amazonian in the jungle. That is how I measure the truth. If an indigenous human can apply this teaching without having a Bible in hand, then it is truth. Truth is unbiased. It applies to everyone.

Tonight was my second night at Bible Study. These people feel like family already. I felt love in this home. Truth is here. Everyone attending is simple and humble. I had prayed for these things years ago. I specifically wanted to be surrounded by humble people who don't get absorbed in the world's lies. Call it an epiphany, revelation, prophecy, coincidence, divine nature. I'm gonna say my prayers were answered. I remember being 15 years old and asking God to please get me to a safe place where the people are not pretentious, competitive, and spoiled. I wanted so badly to be around resilient folk who value the loyalty of their friends and family, the kind of people who are grateful and have true peace in their hearts. Well, I am here... 12 years later. I am right where I dreamed to be when I was 15.

Maybe it would have happened sooner if I was more patient with God. But then again, perhaps I wouldn't have the same appreciation for what is had I not struggled to get here. Suffering is part of life, but on the other side of that coin is joy. We all have to suffer, but I see now that I can find peace through it so long as I take the opportunity to seek wisdom through it. Without suffering, could we truly understand joy? I wonder. All I know is that I am beginning a new relationship with God that feels like a clean slate. I am listening for wisdom.

I am liking this new phase in life I have entered. This is the beginning of my heart and mind working together in peace. My mind is being put to rest with the peace that wants to stay in my heart.