Self Reflection

I am starting to stray further and further away from Christianity. This realization has been developing over the last several months. I am rejecting the biblical explaination of creation now and have recently been able to put to rest my guilt of not understanding "the plan." I have finally come to the conclusion that if I can't make sense of religion, perhaps it just doesn't make sense at all. And I rest my case.

It has been comforting to have good friends who are non-religious that I see are good, honest people. I am not saying religious people aren't. I am simply saying it has been a true comfort to have friends that are not religious who are happy people too. It is what made me realize that I don't have to believe in the biblical explaination of the Creator to be happy or true to myself. It's been a lot easier now to get through life without the burden of never living up to the expectations of church, any church. This doesn't mean I don't have morals or standards. It means that I choose not to follow anyone's lead on how I should think, act or talk. I make those decisions for myself and I choose to be good because I want to be. At the same time, I have accepted I am not perfect and if there is heaven after this life, whoever God is will know my heart and intentions. That thought no longer makes me worry. It's funny how I worried more when I was attending church. Now I feel less stressed about my future because I don't need to overanalyze my beliefs or differences from others beliefs anymore.

My world view is completely different. Any teaching that brings a good feeling of honesty, optimism, wisdom or strength are values I hold dearly. That can be from any person, place or thing. A lot of my peace is coming from being outside and listening to birds chirp, watching squirrels play, watching the wind blow the palm tree leaves slowly, hearing the ocean, admiring nature in general. I am no longer upset for not understanding who created the earth or how it was done. That stuff just doesn't matter to me anymore because I will never get a solid, black and white answer that everyone can agree on. What does matter is how I feel about it and how I interpret this world because that directly effects me. Admiring nature and appreciating the beauty of it has taught me quite a few lessons that I would never have learned in a church or group setting. Much of what I learn is when I am alone in self-reflection outside where it is quiet and I can get lost in the universe.

An interesting thing happened to me several weeks ago that I consider very spiritual but I want to document this here because it is something I always wish to remember. This year was such a struggle for me and I was having a very hard time adapting to change. When I came up North in early June to visit friends, I attended a birthday party. A monarch butterfly was hovering over our picnic tables fluttering in circles from the time that I arrived until I had left. I didn't read into it much but thought that it was a beautiful touch to the day. The next day, I went to visit another friend of mine, and as I was in their yard reading, I saw another monarch butterfly fluttering by onto a nearby tree. It stayed there long enough for me to understand this was a message. I sat there for several minutes thinking about what a butterfly represents. It came very fast that butterflies represent change. It was at that moment, that I began to deeply reflect on change and how a butterfly is showing me that it isn't always bad. Nothing stays the same. Everything is moving, growing and evolving in some way. And then I came to the understanding that the beginning journey of a butterfly is rough at first. Times can be trying, but every phase is a segment in time. It will pass and I will turn the corner to another phase that will eventually bring me joy. I suddenly felt compelled to view the world as one big mess of a place that will also not be the same forever. I may not be able to change it, but I can still find joy. And it was in that thought that I gained the freedom of a butterfly.