Have you ever had one conversation with somebody and have been either put off by them or maybe decided you liked them right away, but later on realized they were not at all who you thought they were? First impressions tend to lead our perception of someone we just met into a misleading category we have set up in our minds to understand how that person fits into our world. However, the more I learn about people, the more I realize that first impressions are very rarely ever accurate. Revisit some of the meetings you have had with a new person for the first time. There must be at least one or two of those times in meeting someone new that you weren't having a good day. It would make sense then that there are people you may have possibly rubbed the wrong way given your first impression, or maybe you gave an overly dramatic, joyful impression of yourself. Picture these scenarios:
Character #1: An international student from Africa who wears a lot of Jesus cross necklaces and says a lot of statements like, "Praise God" or "God bless you." As far as the exterior of this man is concerned, he seems very genuine and is a likable human being. He's got a funny African accent and a fun personality people enjoy. Now, for someone who talks about Bible school and God so much, you would expect the actions to match the flamboyance of Christianity he expresses.
Character #2: A biker guy with sleeves on both arms, pierced ears, black clothing, skull shirts. At first glance, he doesn't seem approachable. Perhaps, even a little intimidating. Having been his partner in Spanish class a few times, he has been a pleasure to work with and treats people respectfully. Let me notate for a moment that he has been one of very few guys who actually looked at my hand, took notice to the bling on my left finger and immediately changed his demeanor around me.
Now, Character #1 has expressed an interest in me that crosses the boundary of respect to my marriage. Character #2 changed his attitude the minute he saw my ring. His appearance is misleading, as he seems like someone you would not want to cross. Character #1 on the other hand, should have backed off the inappropriate comments after learning of my husband. My interactions with these two characters have catapulted the shattering of my stereotypical structures of people. We really never know who people are until we see how they act. I have heard the saying, "Actions speak louder than words" and that is probably a saying that most people are familiar with. However, it is not something that has had a very strong impact on me until recently.
I live in the Melting Pot of different cultures, upbringings and political views fused together in one city. I am honestly surprised by people all the time. First impressions mean very little here to me. I never ever know what I'm going to get from someone anymore. Yet, I am very happy about this because it makes it very difficult for me to pre-judge people the way I used to when I lived in more conservative places. It's helped me strengthen my beliefs about the world around me which are: A) We just do not know for sure about anything unless there is enough evidence to suggest an explanation. I resent how scientific that sounds. However, I am not suggesting that supernatural evidence which cannot be weighed, measured or touched is not a form evidence. I am simply saying that we need to have some type of evidence whether it be through the supernatural intuitive ways or earthly, tangible ways. B) I actually understand now that it isn't what people preach or what they say their beliefs are that tell us about them. "Even the devil believes in God," it states in the Bible. I use that as symbolic poetry to demonstrate how people can believe something is true, but not necessarily follow that belief. Character #1 is a prime example of how his first impression is misleading; a Christian man should know better than to hit on a married woman.
Now that I have learned how little first impressions really mean, I have to question why we all value first impressions so much. I know there are other people out there who have been completely wrong about someone they met. It can't just be me. In fact, when I think about interviews I have had for different jobs, I wasn't accurately representing myself. Consequently, it is difficult for us to accurately represent ourselves for a job when we groom ourselves to present a certain way. When we reflect on that for a moment, it makes so much sense how drama queens, sluts, compulsive liars and sexual harassers get hired. Not only are we inaccurately representing ourselves the first time we meet someone, but we are told to do it. "First impression... can't get rid of that first impression." "It's all about the first impression." "You gotta wow them for them to hire you." "It's that first impression that sticks." We spend so much time worrying about how other people perceive us, of course we are all going to censor ourselves to fit into a situation. It is silly then to think any of us don't censor ourselves to make people believe a certain way about us. We are trained to present ourselves in a way we think others want us to be in the work force, in religion if you follow or when we meet new people. In that type of set up, there is very few wiggle room to be yourself. As a result, it is not ironic that the kind, sweet next door neighbor was the serial killer blasted on the news, or that Mrs. Penelope slept with your best friend's husband or that Catholic Priests are molesting little boys. People are going ape crazy censoring themselves to fit into a nice picture the world wants to see. I, Ana DaCosta, hereby pledge to ban the practice of glamorizing our first impressions to other people.
"Let's get REAL here people!" just suddenly became a more serious phrase.
Monday, October 15, 2012
Tuesday, October 9, 2012
Friendships
Over the years, friendships change. Some friends are left behind in your childhood and others stay in your life long enough to make you think till death do us part. I've kept a hand full of friends from my childhood. I am so proud of that, and happy that I grew close enough to them that we are still in each others lives today. In contrast, it is sad when I think about friendships I once had that slowly changed over the last several years. I think I've made some solid efforts to keep ties with people who were so close to me in one of the most vulnerable stages of life, adolescence. Unfortunately, my efforts to keep those ties strong do not work the same way as Newton's third law in which two objects in space exert equal gravitational force on each other. It would be amazing if the efforts I gave to friends equally returned, but I must let go of that childish dream. It's time to be a grown up and accept that people change. Friendships may not mean as much to a person as you believe it does to you. I'm not perfect for sure, but I would like to think that my friendships really did mean something to me. That is why it makes me sad when I think of people I have grown a part from.
What suddenly seemed to strike this thought out of nowhere is a recent epiphany in someone I used to work with. Our relationship began as two Christian women talking about scripture (when I was Christian) and she had this familiar presence about her that I adored. We didn't become best friends, and did not even hang out one time. She did however get me going to her Bible study a few times, but I discontinued going obviously. She never asked about it, which I thought was cool and seemed genuine not to pry. Over the last several months, she has been texting me to talk to her Aunt about Mary Kay. It has been months that she asks randomly what I am doing last minute, and I could never attend those make up parties. Finally, I texted her my weekly schedule so that her Aunt could reach me, and I would be left alone about it. Honestly, it didn't bother me much, but I figure, this must be important to her. She's been asking me to come to these events for so many months, I felt bad I couldn't make any of them. So I gave some time to her Aunt to talk about Mary Kay options even though I knew I wouldn't be joining to sell it or buy it.
One week later, I find out from a co-worker that she came into eat and specifically came to see my co-worker. I asked my co-worker in a joking manner, but also with some truth to it, "Oh she only came to see you and not me huh?" Sounds petty, I know. But when my co-workers responded, "No. She came into see me and didn't ask about you so HA." This was all friendly jabbing and all to be taken lightly. However, the fact that this girl did not even bother to ask about me, or shoot a text saying, "Hey I stopped by today and didn't see you" actually put me off a little bit. I realized at that moment that our feelings toward each other were completely not mutual. I found it strange that she was bugging me for several months about this Mary Kay product, but never once texted to see how I was doing without trying to promote the product. She asked my husband and I to donate money to their ministry, and we do so every month. We have never hung out one time outside of work, only at the bible study she invited me to that I attended a few times. Had I come into work to eat, I would have at least asked about her to see how she was doing, or shoot a text to say I had stopped by and didn't see her. It honestly made me feel some type of way that I can't quite put my finger on. Basically, there is a bit of resentment on my end towards her because I feel that she has only contacted me when she wanted something, and that our interactions with me had motives. For not knowing me or my husband very well, asking us to give to her ministry and we do... she could not even think about saying hello to me too? We weren't that close to begin with for me to have my feathers ruffled that much, but it definitely released my guilt of avoiding the Mary Kay party her Aunt promotes. We still donate money to her ministry, but I know where our relationship stands, and it isn't genuine.
This is an example of how people are not what they seem. This is one of a few experiences I had this year in meeting new people. I really understand how people are just full of surprises! I am glad I have had these kind of experiences both positive and negative with different people I have met because it has tore down my stereotypical structures that I like to categorize people in. It's a natural habit that we humans have learned. We have a conversation with someone, we interpret our first impression of that person, and then we try to categorize him or her in our minds to make sense of the world around us. But the more people I meet and interact with, the more I see how you just never know who is really genuine or insincere unless you give that person some of your time. I've been surprised a few times by people this year and I am so grateful for the experiences. It has opened my mind up to other types of people different from me.
When I reflect on these insignificant people I meet like this Mary Kay girl, I tend to deeply reflect on past friendships with other people. I get sad temporarily thinking of how we grow apart from some people, but stay close to others. I try not to dwell on the negative experiences I have with people or how they may fall short of what little expectations I have of them, but I think it's important to learn something from it all. People may disappoint me, but that doesn't mean I need to disappoint others. I still need to persevere and be kind to others. I'm still going to reach out to people, and make my efforts to keep ties with old friends. I may need to take a break from people at times so I can keep my sanity, but I really do believe if I continue to put enough good out there, good will come back. I will nurture the relationships that are growing, and step back from the ones that aren't. It's really quite simple. This doesn't need to be complicated. I give the power to myself when I walk away from relationships that aren't growing.
I am happy with the people I have in my life. They're pretty amazing and fantastic folks. I am lucky to have them. These kind of people you don't meet just anywhere. I have a great support group, so there is no reason to waste time with people that aren't really looking for your friendship. Time is the most precious thing we can give to each other, so I am giving my time to the people I love and cherish most. <3 Of course, I have room in my heart for as many genuine, humble people out there that exist! You just don't meet them every day is all. Since I have a hand full of them, I am fulfilled. :o) It is good that I feel sadness in memory of lost friendships. It means I still care about them.
What suddenly seemed to strike this thought out of nowhere is a recent epiphany in someone I used to work with. Our relationship began as two Christian women talking about scripture (when I was Christian) and she had this familiar presence about her that I adored. We didn't become best friends, and did not even hang out one time. She did however get me going to her Bible study a few times, but I discontinued going obviously. She never asked about it, which I thought was cool and seemed genuine not to pry. Over the last several months, she has been texting me to talk to her Aunt about Mary Kay. It has been months that she asks randomly what I am doing last minute, and I could never attend those make up parties. Finally, I texted her my weekly schedule so that her Aunt could reach me, and I would be left alone about it. Honestly, it didn't bother me much, but I figure, this must be important to her. She's been asking me to come to these events for so many months, I felt bad I couldn't make any of them. So I gave some time to her Aunt to talk about Mary Kay options even though I knew I wouldn't be joining to sell it or buy it.
One week later, I find out from a co-worker that she came into eat and specifically came to see my co-worker. I asked my co-worker in a joking manner, but also with some truth to it, "Oh she only came to see you and not me huh?" Sounds petty, I know. But when my co-workers responded, "No. She came into see me and didn't ask about you so HA." This was all friendly jabbing and all to be taken lightly. However, the fact that this girl did not even bother to ask about me, or shoot a text saying, "Hey I stopped by today and didn't see you" actually put me off a little bit. I realized at that moment that our feelings toward each other were completely not mutual. I found it strange that she was bugging me for several months about this Mary Kay product, but never once texted to see how I was doing without trying to promote the product. She asked my husband and I to donate money to their ministry, and we do so every month. We have never hung out one time outside of work, only at the bible study she invited me to that I attended a few times. Had I come into work to eat, I would have at least asked about her to see how she was doing, or shoot a text to say I had stopped by and didn't see her. It honestly made me feel some type of way that I can't quite put my finger on. Basically, there is a bit of resentment on my end towards her because I feel that she has only contacted me when she wanted something, and that our interactions with me had motives. For not knowing me or my husband very well, asking us to give to her ministry and we do... she could not even think about saying hello to me too? We weren't that close to begin with for me to have my feathers ruffled that much, but it definitely released my guilt of avoiding the Mary Kay party her Aunt promotes. We still donate money to her ministry, but I know where our relationship stands, and it isn't genuine.
This is an example of how people are not what they seem. This is one of a few experiences I had this year in meeting new people. I really understand how people are just full of surprises! I am glad I have had these kind of experiences both positive and negative with different people I have met because it has tore down my stereotypical structures that I like to categorize people in. It's a natural habit that we humans have learned. We have a conversation with someone, we interpret our first impression of that person, and then we try to categorize him or her in our minds to make sense of the world around us. But the more people I meet and interact with, the more I see how you just never know who is really genuine or insincere unless you give that person some of your time. I've been surprised a few times by people this year and I am so grateful for the experiences. It has opened my mind up to other types of people different from me.
When I reflect on these insignificant people I meet like this Mary Kay girl, I tend to deeply reflect on past friendships with other people. I get sad temporarily thinking of how we grow apart from some people, but stay close to others. I try not to dwell on the negative experiences I have with people or how they may fall short of what little expectations I have of them, but I think it's important to learn something from it all. People may disappoint me, but that doesn't mean I need to disappoint others. I still need to persevere and be kind to others. I'm still going to reach out to people, and make my efforts to keep ties with old friends. I may need to take a break from people at times so I can keep my sanity, but I really do believe if I continue to put enough good out there, good will come back. I will nurture the relationships that are growing, and step back from the ones that aren't. It's really quite simple. This doesn't need to be complicated. I give the power to myself when I walk away from relationships that aren't growing.
I am happy with the people I have in my life. They're pretty amazing and fantastic folks. I am lucky to have them. These kind of people you don't meet just anywhere. I have a great support group, so there is no reason to waste time with people that aren't really looking for your friendship. Time is the most precious thing we can give to each other, so I am giving my time to the people I love and cherish most. <3 Of course, I have room in my heart for as many genuine, humble people out there that exist! You just don't meet them every day is all. Since I have a hand full of them, I am fulfilled. :o) It is good that I feel sadness in memory of lost friendships. It means I still care about them.
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