I'm back in my little, "I need to finish school" routine. In-N-Out is a good job with awesome perks and benefits. However, recently, I have had a lot of time to ponder and reflect being that I was not in school this semester. I quickly realized that In-N-Out is good for now, but it won't be good enough forever. I don't see myself retiring here. I see myself moving up as far as I can go, but eventually will want a career change. Haha. What the heck is wrong with me? I can never make up my mind.
Recently, at In-N-Out, I have been dragging on and on in the same positions not exactly being given opportunities to master my newly learned job duties which is frustrating. Day by day has passed by with plenty of ample time to ponder the future and it did cross my mind that I won't be fulfilled here for the rest of my life. My brain is just capable of more. I need to be challenged more and I am eager to learn new things. I feel that my growth here has been stunted and that isn't what I saw coming so quickly. But it did, and you know what? That's perfectly OKAY. We have to go through things in life to move onto another phase right? We have to live our lives so we can learn more about what we are capable of and what we can offer in this world.
My registration date for the summer semester is May 27. The classes I need are already closed, not surprised. There is a math class I need that is offered in a lab setting, partly online as a move at your own pace type of course. Since it is the only one that will probably be open, I'll take it. I need the class. Just get it done.
I have really been shying away from taking out school loans, but after discussing this over with a friend, it might just be worth it to do school loans to be enrolled full-time. It is super discouraging to pay for one class at a time. It makes me feel like I am wasting time. I don't know why it scares me so much to take out school loans, but it does. The idea of being in 1,000's of dollars of debt is frightening to me. But perhaps, I need to just confront the fear and commit to the debt... as scary as it seems.
I listen too much to the conspiracy theorists. Their ideas of how student loan debt is going to crash the economy freaks me out. Even more scary, that I won't find a job after school is over. THEN what do you do?
Thursday, May 15, 2014
Sunday, April 27, 2014
People Suck
Writing here is a safe way for me to sort out the heavy things in my mind, process it, then understand and deal with it. I have had plenty on my mind lately. I dislike humans. I think we are a destructive species inhabiting this planet. We are destroying it, slowly, but surely. It bothers me. I do not know what to do about it. I feel powerless. What can I do?
Trees are being torn down in the Amazon at a rate faster than those trees can ever be replaced. There are tropical, healing fruits and plants that reside in this beautiful jungle that I see one day will just be gone. The Lorax has such a sweet, innocent way of telling us how it is. But this is not an animation. This is real. And the Indians in the forests are falling into extinction. I believe the proper word for this is genocide. I wish I could protect them. But even my pathetic $5 donations to organizations that work to defend the forest and it's native people can't save them because of the evil, powerful destructive force that persistently kills diversity and culture in disagreeance with western civilization.
The Navy will be performing tests in the oceans with powerful weapons that will destroy thousands of ocean creatures. The good guys are taking them to court, but why does anyone need to hear a case like that? Shouldn't everyone care enough about our planet that safety precautions would automatically be taken so that the ocean doesn't get disrupted negatively? Why must the government need to hear a case and consider what the right thing is to do? Who has the control in this situation and why do they have such little respect for life?
Why must millions of orphans grow up without families? Why are millions of orphanages without education and opportunities? It is estimated that there are around 153 million orphans world wide. That is 153 million adults that will not have the skills to get through life or even know how to interact with people. How can we just ignore 153 million human lives? Women are forced to relinquish their kids because of living in poverty. This is wrong. No one should have to abandon their children because of financial reasons. How can human life be thrown away because of money?
If we want to be good people and have good things happen and to be happy, why are the bad people prevailing? Why are we not a united people? What is wrong with the human race? Why are we not taking care of each other? How did we get to be such a cruel species? And we actually believe we are above animals?
I am confused. I am not okay with all this and I just don't know what to do about it. The world is an overwhelming place for me and I am unsure how to thrive in it. I can only believe in so much psychology because they want to label and categorize all human emotions and behaviors. Many of them would say that I am depressed, but to that I will say, "Screw you." How is my empathy categorized as depression? How do my feelings for hurt humans and suffering creatures become a mental condition? If we all just smile and see the world so positively, then that is what makes me a happy, healthy person? I am supposed to ignore the problems of the world so that I can fit in and not offend people?
If caring about these things means I can't fit in, then I don't want to fit in with my kind. I would rather be alone. I would rather just not be a burden to anyone or a menace to society. I don't understand people. I can't relate to most, and maybe that's a good thing. But I am becoming more and more discouraged to meet new people because most of them don't care about world problems. I'm bored of people's conversations. I am tired of entertainment serving as a distraction from the world. I hate being bombarded with ads everywhere you go on the billboard, on commercials, on the internet, when you check your mail and random phone calls/voicemails. I have a problem with $. I am not motivated to make it anymore. I just don't care about the world's made up success anymore.
Have I trampled your thoughts enough? Have I burdened your load more? Do I sound like the most pessimistic person yet? Well, I don't care and I can't apologize for being tormented. My feelings are real. I have never been able to ignore the bad things because it eats away at my conscious when I do. My problem is not knowing how I can make a difference. I want to help, but I haven't figured out how to live my life for a purpose. That doesn't mean I don't do service projects (I just don't talk about my good deeds because I don't want to corrupt my sense of good to mankind). I don't believe in self-righteous bragging. I just don't know how to live a life that is 100% meaningful.
And boy, did it feel good to type all this out. A lot on my mind is an understatement. I'm dwelling and I need to release these thoughts. I need to make sense of them. I need to figure out how my life can be dedicated to saving the world one little problem at a time. Becauses things aren't okay and they never will be until poverty and evil die. The world is at war and I can't just hide from it anymore.
Yes, I can find joy. Yes, I can smile and laugh. I have good things in my life, but I want to fight for the others who don't. That is the burden I carry and cannot easily share with others.
Trees are being torn down in the Amazon at a rate faster than those trees can ever be replaced. There are tropical, healing fruits and plants that reside in this beautiful jungle that I see one day will just be gone. The Lorax has such a sweet, innocent way of telling us how it is. But this is not an animation. This is real. And the Indians in the forests are falling into extinction. I believe the proper word for this is genocide. I wish I could protect them. But even my pathetic $5 donations to organizations that work to defend the forest and it's native people can't save them because of the evil, powerful destructive force that persistently kills diversity and culture in disagreeance with western civilization.
The Navy will be performing tests in the oceans with powerful weapons that will destroy thousands of ocean creatures. The good guys are taking them to court, but why does anyone need to hear a case like that? Shouldn't everyone care enough about our planet that safety precautions would automatically be taken so that the ocean doesn't get disrupted negatively? Why must the government need to hear a case and consider what the right thing is to do? Who has the control in this situation and why do they have such little respect for life?
Why must millions of orphans grow up without families? Why are millions of orphanages without education and opportunities? It is estimated that there are around 153 million orphans world wide. That is 153 million adults that will not have the skills to get through life or even know how to interact with people. How can we just ignore 153 million human lives? Women are forced to relinquish their kids because of living in poverty. This is wrong. No one should have to abandon their children because of financial reasons. How can human life be thrown away because of money?
If we want to be good people and have good things happen and to be happy, why are the bad people prevailing? Why are we not a united people? What is wrong with the human race? Why are we not taking care of each other? How did we get to be such a cruel species? And we actually believe we are above animals?
I am confused. I am not okay with all this and I just don't know what to do about it. The world is an overwhelming place for me and I am unsure how to thrive in it. I can only believe in so much psychology because they want to label and categorize all human emotions and behaviors. Many of them would say that I am depressed, but to that I will say, "Screw you." How is my empathy categorized as depression? How do my feelings for hurt humans and suffering creatures become a mental condition? If we all just smile and see the world so positively, then that is what makes me a happy, healthy person? I am supposed to ignore the problems of the world so that I can fit in and not offend people?
If caring about these things means I can't fit in, then I don't want to fit in with my kind. I would rather be alone. I would rather just not be a burden to anyone or a menace to society. I don't understand people. I can't relate to most, and maybe that's a good thing. But I am becoming more and more discouraged to meet new people because most of them don't care about world problems. I'm bored of people's conversations. I am tired of entertainment serving as a distraction from the world. I hate being bombarded with ads everywhere you go on the billboard, on commercials, on the internet, when you check your mail and random phone calls/voicemails. I have a problem with $. I am not motivated to make it anymore. I just don't care about the world's made up success anymore.
Have I trampled your thoughts enough? Have I burdened your load more? Do I sound like the most pessimistic person yet? Well, I don't care and I can't apologize for being tormented. My feelings are real. I have never been able to ignore the bad things because it eats away at my conscious when I do. My problem is not knowing how I can make a difference. I want to help, but I haven't figured out how to live my life for a purpose. That doesn't mean I don't do service projects (I just don't talk about my good deeds because I don't want to corrupt my sense of good to mankind). I don't believe in self-righteous bragging. I just don't know how to live a life that is 100% meaningful.
And boy, did it feel good to type all this out. A lot on my mind is an understatement. I'm dwelling and I need to release these thoughts. I need to make sense of them. I need to figure out how my life can be dedicated to saving the world one little problem at a time. Becauses things aren't okay and they never will be until poverty and evil die. The world is at war and I can't just hide from it anymore.
Yes, I can find joy. Yes, I can smile and laugh. I have good things in my life, but I want to fight for the others who don't. That is the burden I carry and cannot easily share with others.
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