Father

Last night, I spoke to my dad on the phone for about two solid hours. I don't even know how we managed to fill up that amount of time in conversation, but we did. 

It is strange how it happened too. Ron asked my dad to give us some money for the house that we are approved for without me knowing. My dad called me to ask the details of the house, and so I told him what I knew. Then he told me he wanted to help, and that Ron had asked him if he could. I was shocked to say the least. I have never asked my dad for anything, nothing. I am very grateful though because now it looks like we really are going to get the house, and I don't have to sell my wedding rings now. When I told my dad that I was going to sell them, that's when he said, "No. It shouldn't come to that. Let me help." Well, if you say so. Am I really going to be that prideful that I lose my wedding rings instead of accepting help? No, I am not going to be a prideful fool, which shows that I have really grown up over the years on more than one level. First of all, I was actually willing to part with my wedding rings. Now, I am actually saying, "Yes, dad. I do need your help." 

Ron brought us closer together without even realizing it. Once again, there seems to always be a reason for everything that is happening in my life. I have had a battered relationship with my parents since my teenage years. My mom's relationship with me is at least cordial now, but I have never ever been close to my parents. Last night, I actually felt like my dad and I took the first step towards salvaging our damaged relationship. To his credit, it seemed as though he was waiting for me to be mature enough one day to forgive him, and tell him that I no longer judge him for who he is or what he has done because I have made many mistakes in my life too. "Clean the speck out of your own eye first," says the Bible, right? I'll have to agree on that word of wisdom.

WOW, right? I actually forgive my father for everything that has happened with our family, and I actually do not fault him for it anymore. Stepping outside the picture, I am able to see now that there were a million variables I had not considered before that complicates our family dynamic. Regardless, what a lesson to learn. I never thought I would see the day where my father and I could talk about the past like two mature adults, apologize, discuss our feelings, and actually learn how to move forward. Honestly, it feels like another invisible chain of bitterness that has broken free off my bloody ankles. I didn't realize my ankles were bleeding because I had become so numb to the pain of my parents mistakes. Now, I see that I have a wound that is ready to heal because I let down my pride for once.

The lesson I learned here is that pride sometimes stands in the way of letting ourselves forgive others. In this case, that was absolutely so. My father is another human being that does not deserve my condescending judgment on him. Sure, he has made mistakes, but I too hope to be forgiven for things that I do not do right. I cannot tell you how humbling this experience is. This is the first step in truly being able to accept people for who they are, not who I expect them to be or who I think they should be. And all of this was a repetition of the cycle I was taught by their mistakes, but I'm done with it. I am ending the cycle here. It ceases now.