27 Years Old

That's right. Happy Birthday to Me! My family is here and we are celebrating my birthday! Saturday will be loads of fun because we are having a bonfire on the beach. I will be boogie boarding all day long. I will take many photos and post them. This will be a good one. I can feel it.

27 years old, geez. Every year, the time seems to go faster. This has been a big year for me.

I've made the deans list.

My husband has bought us our first house together.

I am boogie boarding, and I have been deathly afraid of the ocean.

My little sister is engaged.

I abandoned God.

And now, at the very end of this 26th year of life, I am letting God back in.

Living a life for myself has not been very fulfilling for me. I've wised up on a lot of things this year. There is definitely a reason for everything and why we go through the things we do. Let me tell you!

I had to strip God out of my life and live a life without him to understand what life meant without God. But then, I noticed my soul was lost. When I say my soul was lost, that means that I did not see a purpose for myself. Why am I here? Where am I going? If I have no purpose here, then what the heck am I doing here? I struggled with that this year, and it has brought me to some very dark places that I did not enjoy revisiting. 

I decided to pray. I haven't prayed a real prayer in over a year. Strange, I didn't even know what to say at first or what to pray for. I just said, "Hi God. I don't see you when I walk out my door. Show yourself to me because I cannot see."

Over the next few weeks after that, I started to see that fear and anger have been holding me back from seeing the light. I have been living a life full of fears. Afraid to be vulnerable with my husband. Afraid to be myself. Afraid to have kids. And then angry because I have these fears. All the sudden, it clicked. This is what demons are. They are fear, anger, bitterness, resentment, jealousy, and all of these negative emotions that KEEP us from being happy people. Demons are these spirits that feed our mind discouraging thoughts. 

So I prayed to God and asked him to cast these demons out. I want to live a meaningful life, a life in which I have purpose. I asked him how I can find purpose in my life because worldly accomplishments and duties are not satisfying my platter. I'm too spiritually aware. I live in a world where spiritual purposes are looked down upon, but this is what my heart yearns for. 

Then it occurred to me, serve others. Live a life in service to your people, and think less about yourself. The more selfless you become, the more like Christ you will become, and you will have purpose in your life. In God, you will have self-esteem. Then the thought came to my mind that a homebody I am and enjoy being. A home filled with love is my passion, and serving my dear husband gives me great satisfaction. Wow, wait a minute... motherhood? This whole time that I have been looking down on motherhood, that is the most selfless way of serving Christ by raising children with love and to love others. Because you know what is the biggest problem I see in the world today? Not enough love. Love is not found in every home. Compassion, empathy and integrity is not being instilled in every home. I see a lot of evil in this world, and everything we learn starts in the home. 

Parents are failing to be parents. 

... This whole time, I looked down on parenting. Not even realizing that I could make a difference in the home, the very thing I thought was despicable. Yet, is responsible for the welfare of humanity. 

Motherhood.

Motherhood? 

This is the Lord answering my prayer. I understand now. I understand what the people meant when they said, "God knows what is best for us, and sometimes it is not what we think it is." 

I had to go through what I did to become the person that I meant to be. It's clicking. Things are finally beginning to click and make sense. My soul is healing.