It felt good to vent out my frustrations, but now, I will take Ron's advice and list the things I do love about California and remind myself why life is beautiful. I think I'm having a mid-life crisis, stressed out with school and work, not getting enough sleep. It's bound to make ya crazy at some point, and perhaps now is just my breaking point.
Once we moved in, we had a friend stay for the week helping us out with house duties, family came the next week, and then I started staying later at work with mid-terms to study for at the same time. It was three weeks of building priorities and I was not getting good sleep at all. Ron has helped me recognize that this has been an unusual semester for me with buying a house and all the visitors we have had in this short period of time. He's right. Time to re-group and look at all the positive things.
It's okay to miss the east coast, but that doesn't mean I can't learn to love a different way of life either. I just have to make my list of things I love here, and remind myself what I'm grateful for so I don't lose site of those things.
Here's my list:
1. I love the weather. Duh.
2. The palm trees make me feel like I am in a tropical place, my ideal vacation destination.
3. We just bought a house. It may not be in the country with my nightly crickets croaking, but it is a quiet house too. There are no kids running and screaming around like I grew up with. I have privacy. It is a lovely home that is finally coming together the way we want it.
4. I have an orange tree and a lemon tree. We just planted a banana plant, and are making plans for the avocado tree, tomato plant, basil and parsley pots. I'm going to have a garden! Amazing.
5. I like having picnics on the beach.
6. Ron just bought us boogie boards so I can continue understanding the ocean and the way it moves before I begin the real deal... surfing.
7. The beach is twenty minutes away. Just twenty.
8. I have two cute little pets that I love so much. They bring so much joy and entertainment in my life.
9. I am in school working towards a degree, something I never ever thought I would be able to do in my lifetime.
10. There are an abundance of restaurants out here to eat at, and I sure do love my food.
11. I have a wonderful husband. He really understands me, and helps me get past all my temporary mood swings. I probably don't deserve him, but I am lucky enough to have a great man in my life. Patti Sanger said, "Everyone wants love, but not everyone can find it."
That's the beginning of my list for now, which is a great start. Ron was right. Reading over these 11 things makes me smile and remember I have so many wonderful things to be happy about. My schedule right now is a crazy one and it is certainly responsible for my irritability and grumpiness. But after eight weeks, this semester is over and I can move on from this tough time. This is just a hard part of the climb in my hike to a degree.
Perseverance. Strength. Keep going.
Saturday, March 30, 2013
Friday, March 29, 2013
Can't Sleep
It's 4:30AM and I just finished my second glass of cabernet sauvignon, hoping it would drift me away into slumberland. Fortunately, it has made me sleepy, but my mind restless. I keep thinking and thinking and thinking. What does it take to shut my brain off? Writing has been the only thing in my life to help me forget my thoughts, or at the very least, move on from it since I left it somewhere else to reflect on later.
Life...
I've been living in California now for five years... five years! Let me say... I miss Pennsylvania. I never thought I would, but I do. I miss the country life style. I miss the simplicity of life and the type of people there.
My husband just bought us a house. I know there are people out there who would LOVE to be in my shoes. A house in California, with pets, the weather, the beach, blah blah blah. But I am actually grieving at the loss of the country life I once had. California is such a crowded state. I haven't been on a backroad since I went to visit Pennsylvania last year.
The people here are just so different too. It's hard to explain because I can't generalize ALL of them.... but anyone who has grown up here is definitely effected by the subculture here, which is also hard for me to describe. It's just something I feel... but can't put into words. Basically, when I go out in the city here, I have this feeling of, "I don't belong here." No one is saying I don't belong there. No one is being rude. No one is treating me differently. But there is a very intense feeling of... "This isn't your place." I guess it's just the fact that I know there is so many rich people walking around, so many "I wanna be this and that" type people and I am simply not that way. I wasn't engineered like this. I wasn't created to want so much in my life. I don't know. I've always been a very simple person who doesn't need a lot. And these type of people that want recognition, attention, and rewards are everyyyyyywhere here. There is just an abundance of them in this state. I didn't see this in Utah. I didn't see this in Pennsylvania. When I did see it, it was too easy to avoid because they stuck out like a sore thumb.
I went from Hershey High School, a competitive school to living in a STATE that now feels very high school all over again. How in the hell did I do that to myself? *rolls eyes*
Listen, I'm very grateful for the things I have. I know I shouldn't complain, but these are my feelings. They are real. I am going through this. I am struggling with being in a crowded state, busy highways, people all around me. I'm not a city girl. I'm just not. I need my quiet and peace.
The plumbers told me that my house is quiet. I responded, "Really? I think it's noisy considering the highway is one street away." They said, "No. It's quiet. Your pets are chill and you have no children." Hmm. I guess it is more quiet compared to their homes, but I am used to have two acres of backyard and half an acre between my neighbors and I. I could HEAR the crickets and owls at night. I heard no cars. It was peaceful.
I can hear cars at night. I'm aware of the highway. Sure, it's not LOUD, but I do know what a quiet household actually is. I don't hear crickets. The lawn mowers are very close by. I can hear the kids playing in their yards. Out east, they were far enough away I couldn't hear my neighbors. Lawn mowers had the faintest sound.
I'm struggling out here. I'm not going to lie. I never thought I would say this, but I am HOMESICK. It may have taken five years to get there, but I am flat out homesick. I miss my country life. I miss the four seasons. I miss my snow for Christmas. I miss the beautiful fall leaves changing colors for Halloween and preparing me for Thanksgiving. I miss the April spring showers that would last for days at a time, warm April showers. I miss the fog and the overcast skies that would stay for days after the rain. I miss the humidity that kept my hair and skin soft without ever using lotion. I miss breathing in fresh air from the abundance of trees on the east coast. I miss hearing the crickets at night. I miss watching the lightning bugs at night light up the outdoors of my windows. I miss 25 MPH roads and being the only person on a road. I miss seeing deer roaming around in the woods. I miss the bats I would see at night sometimes. I miss the east coast.
I think I actually want to go back.
Five years later, I can now say I appreciate what I had. I want to go home.
And that's okay. I am human. I have feelings, and I will have to find a way to cope.
Life...
I've been living in California now for five years... five years! Let me say... I miss Pennsylvania. I never thought I would, but I do. I miss the country life style. I miss the simplicity of life and the type of people there.
My husband just bought us a house. I know there are people out there who would LOVE to be in my shoes. A house in California, with pets, the weather, the beach, blah blah blah. But I am actually grieving at the loss of the country life I once had. California is such a crowded state. I haven't been on a backroad since I went to visit Pennsylvania last year.
The people here are just so different too. It's hard to explain because I can't generalize ALL of them.... but anyone who has grown up here is definitely effected by the subculture here, which is also hard for me to describe. It's just something I feel... but can't put into words. Basically, when I go out in the city here, I have this feeling of, "I don't belong here." No one is saying I don't belong there. No one is being rude. No one is treating me differently. But there is a very intense feeling of... "This isn't your place." I guess it's just the fact that I know there is so many rich people walking around, so many "I wanna be this and that" type people and I am simply not that way. I wasn't engineered like this. I wasn't created to want so much in my life. I don't know. I've always been a very simple person who doesn't need a lot. And these type of people that want recognition, attention, and rewards are everyyyyyywhere here. There is just an abundance of them in this state. I didn't see this in Utah. I didn't see this in Pennsylvania. When I did see it, it was too easy to avoid because they stuck out like a sore thumb.
I went from Hershey High School, a competitive school to living in a STATE that now feels very high school all over again. How in the hell did I do that to myself? *rolls eyes*
Listen, I'm very grateful for the things I have. I know I shouldn't complain, but these are my feelings. They are real. I am going through this. I am struggling with being in a crowded state, busy highways, people all around me. I'm not a city girl. I'm just not. I need my quiet and peace.
The plumbers told me that my house is quiet. I responded, "Really? I think it's noisy considering the highway is one street away." They said, "No. It's quiet. Your pets are chill and you have no children." Hmm. I guess it is more quiet compared to their homes, but I am used to have two acres of backyard and half an acre between my neighbors and I. I could HEAR the crickets and owls at night. I heard no cars. It was peaceful.
I can hear cars at night. I'm aware of the highway. Sure, it's not LOUD, but I do know what a quiet household actually is. I don't hear crickets. The lawn mowers are very close by. I can hear the kids playing in their yards. Out east, they were far enough away I couldn't hear my neighbors. Lawn mowers had the faintest sound.
I'm struggling out here. I'm not going to lie. I never thought I would say this, but I am HOMESICK. It may have taken five years to get there, but I am flat out homesick. I miss my country life. I miss the four seasons. I miss my snow for Christmas. I miss the beautiful fall leaves changing colors for Halloween and preparing me for Thanksgiving. I miss the April spring showers that would last for days at a time, warm April showers. I miss the fog and the overcast skies that would stay for days after the rain. I miss the humidity that kept my hair and skin soft without ever using lotion. I miss breathing in fresh air from the abundance of trees on the east coast. I miss hearing the crickets at night. I miss watching the lightning bugs at night light up the outdoors of my windows. I miss 25 MPH roads and being the only person on a road. I miss seeing deer roaming around in the woods. I miss the bats I would see at night sometimes. I miss the east coast.
I think I actually want to go back.
Five years later, I can now say I appreciate what I had. I want to go home.
And that's okay. I am human. I have feelings, and I will have to find a way to cope.
Blah
I'm beginning to stay later at work since I am training to move up. I don't mind right now since it's spring break, but I don't know how this is going to go when I return to school next week. Getting home at 2:30AM and having a 9:30AM class the next day... is gonna catch up. I only have eight weeks left of this semester though, so I'm not sure it's worth it to re-arrange my schedule. Working the night shift guarantees my hours since very few people want to work nights.
I've reached a point right now where I am questioning what the hell I am doing in school. It's my age, and working so much simultaneously that is making me feel like I have no life. I know this is temporary but damn, this is a temporary situation that drags on day by day. I'm better off with the degree than without it, but man, I'm feeling the wear and tear on my body. I would've been a good slave back in the day.
Also, I'm struggling with my identity right now because I am relying on my husband for a lot of things since I've committed myself to being a full time student. I make less money than I ever have before and I am not independent like I used to be. It's hard for me to rely so much on someone else because I never have in the past. I was always the sugar mama, and so I feel like I am losing myself in the process of going to school. I don't like depending on another person for anything, and perhaps I feel like I do not have control like I would if I was supporting myself like I always did.
I went from having my own apartment and supporting my boyfriend to being a domesticated wife whose husband pays a majority of the bills. It's not like I'm sitting around collecting his money and spending it on myself, but still... it makes me feel like a little girl again and I really don't like that feeling. My husband doesn't mind supporting me and helping me accomplish my goal of getting school done, but it's just hard all across the board. All the money I make goes to school and bills. I can't go out with friends. I can't go shopping. And it will be this way for a few more years. I'm just a bit frustrated right now because I feel locked in a cage, riding out my prison time. Not an easy thing for a woman who is basically a wild horse... never was the tame type. I'm a bit worried how much longer I can be locked up in a cage without going crazy.
I keep telling myself this will all be worth it when it's over. I just hope my batteries last.
I've reached a point right now where I am questioning what the hell I am doing in school. It's my age, and working so much simultaneously that is making me feel like I have no life. I know this is temporary but damn, this is a temporary situation that drags on day by day. I'm better off with the degree than without it, but man, I'm feeling the wear and tear on my body. I would've been a good slave back in the day.
Also, I'm struggling with my identity right now because I am relying on my husband for a lot of things since I've committed myself to being a full time student. I make less money than I ever have before and I am not independent like I used to be. It's hard for me to rely so much on someone else because I never have in the past. I was always the sugar mama, and so I feel like I am losing myself in the process of going to school. I don't like depending on another person for anything, and perhaps I feel like I do not have control like I would if I was supporting myself like I always did.
I went from having my own apartment and supporting my boyfriend to being a domesticated wife whose husband pays a majority of the bills. It's not like I'm sitting around collecting his money and spending it on myself, but still... it makes me feel like a little girl again and I really don't like that feeling. My husband doesn't mind supporting me and helping me accomplish my goal of getting school done, but it's just hard all across the board. All the money I make goes to school and bills. I can't go out with friends. I can't go shopping. And it will be this way for a few more years. I'm just a bit frustrated right now because I feel locked in a cage, riding out my prison time. Not an easy thing for a woman who is basically a wild horse... never was the tame type. I'm a bit worried how much longer I can be locked up in a cage without going crazy.
I keep telling myself this will all be worth it when it's over. I just hope my batteries last.
Friday, March 22, 2013
In Defense of Age Gap Relationships
Today, I spoke with a good friend about the crazy world of dating. She is once where I was, in a position where she is beginning to date a man 15 years older. Hearing that, my eyes do not flinch and my mouth does not drop to the floor because I am that girl too. I am used to those reactions from others, and I am used to the many thoughtless accusations as well, such as being called a gold digger or I'm a daughter looking for her daddy. Those accusations are meaningless to me because they simply don't apply. However, I do wonder what provokes this silliness in people to blurt out such nonsense. Then I remembered, the television. It always comes down to the media, and what people are feeding their brains, which ultimately makes up their world view. I notice how judgmental people are about age gap relationships, and I wasn't inspired to write about the misconceptions of it until a good friend of mine is now finding herself in my shoes. It is very interesting to be on the outside looking in to where I was over four years ago.
One of the first misconceptions about age gap relationships is the assumption that the younger woman is a gold digger. The definition of a gold digger is a lady who goes after a man because of the money he makes or the assets he has. By definition, that does not refer to strictly young women. A woman of any age with no age gap in their relationship can be a gold digger. Unfortunately, "The Girls Next Door" has been a popular show for years, which is the stereotypical situation of young women who are there to enjoy luxurious perks and earn some good money for being cute from an old man. As a result, people who watch the show or are at least familiar with it see a bunch of young, good looking girls going after all the materialistic things a man can offer them. With all that popular footage clouding people's minds, the gold digger image of young women is unfairly projected onto all women who date someone ten years older or more.
Let's use me as an example as to why this is not only unfair, but also a harsh judgement coming from a biast perspective. First of all, I am not a supermodel or a beauty queen. I have never once in my life been hit on by a billionaire. I would not even know the first thing about getting in contact with someone of that status. Instead, I met my husband in a socially respectable place, bible study. Being called a gold digger would imply that I went to bible study to look for a rich man to date. Then that would also mean I was in bible study for the wrong reasons, so not only is that accusation false, but it also implies that you think that low of me that I would only date someone because of the things he can give me. Secondly, if you knew even 10% about my husband, you would also know that he does not own a mansion, a lamborghini or a private jet. All of these things would be on my list if I was going after someone for their money. Clearly, I didn't make out with those things, so that is my counter argument to that terrible assessment of my intentions.
Also, the gold digger accusation tends to come from a lot of housewives themselves. They do not work, but they do not mind pointing their finger at someone else and accusing them of exactly what they are doing. This is not said to overgeneralize housewives, but what needs to be pointed out here is that many people who have accused women like me and my friend of being gold diggers do not work themselves. Their dream job is to stay at home, which ultimately means that their husbands have to make enough money for them to do so. Did you hear that? Make enough money for them to stay at home. My friend and I both have jobs and go to school full-time. Funny how no one is calling housewives or stay at home moms gold diggers. No, the part where they need their husbands money to let them be that is completely nailed under the hardwood floors, not even swept, nailed under the foundation of the house under that rug.
Why do women with high standards who expect their husbands to be doctors, engineers, CEO's, or whatever only referred to as pretentious? Is that not a form of gold digging? But somehow, me, a full-time student and a part-time worker gets crowned gold digger.
The second misconception about age gap relationships is the psychoanalysis of the younger woman needing a father. True, I did not have a present father in my childhood. However, why would I be interested in dating someone to take the place of my father? That implies that I am looking for a parent to navigate my life, which would defeat the point of a romantic relationship. In fact, I would not be sexually attracted to someone who reminded me of my dad because it would feel wrong just as much as it is wrong. Evidently, a fatherless or absent fathered woman who marries someone closer to her age is never accused of finding a mate to replace her father, so why would age suddenly mean something different? Bottom line, for most relationships to work, there needs to be attraction to each other. If I am attracted to my husband, it does not matter if you are not.
Then there is the idea that age gap relationships have problems and communication issues due to the age gap. I'm sorry, did I miss something here? I was totally unaware that problems and communication issues are strictly reserved for people in an age gap relationship. No other marriage in the world has any issues because they are closer in age. Pardon me, I missed the memo.
Our grandparents disagree, our parents disagree, siblings disagree, friends disagree, co-workers disagree. People of all ages can have disagreements with each other. Marrying someone older does not automatically put us in a category of failure to agree, compromise, and understand each other. On the contrary, I have learned a lot about older music, older cartoons, movies, and linguistics by being married to someone older, and he has also learned about the newer side of those things. It has opened up some intellectual conversations, and it never ceases what we learn about each other and how the world relates to each other. There have been many benefits for me because of his maturity alongside conversation. He is stable, I feel safe with him, and he is the most sensitive person towards my feelings and mood swings. Bottom line, no other man would put up with my shenanigans and I know this. He is a fantastic match for me, and I'll be damned if I let anyone out there tell me otherwise.
So go ahead, judge, point fingers, criticize, accuse me of all the wicked things of this world. It won't make me leave my husband because people are disgusted and shocked by us. If I leave, it'll be on my own terms for reasons that could be exactly the same as other normal couples in close age. People forget that most of the divorces out there are couples in closer age. I am not here to judge them either though. I am simply pointing out a few things that may shed light on relationships like mine.
One of the first misconceptions about age gap relationships is the assumption that the younger woman is a gold digger. The definition of a gold digger is a lady who goes after a man because of the money he makes or the assets he has. By definition, that does not refer to strictly young women. A woman of any age with no age gap in their relationship can be a gold digger. Unfortunately, "The Girls Next Door" has been a popular show for years, which is the stereotypical situation of young women who are there to enjoy luxurious perks and earn some good money for being cute from an old man. As a result, people who watch the show or are at least familiar with it see a bunch of young, good looking girls going after all the materialistic things a man can offer them. With all that popular footage clouding people's minds, the gold digger image of young women is unfairly projected onto all women who date someone ten years older or more.
Let's use me as an example as to why this is not only unfair, but also a harsh judgement coming from a biast perspective. First of all, I am not a supermodel or a beauty queen. I have never once in my life been hit on by a billionaire. I would not even know the first thing about getting in contact with someone of that status. Instead, I met my husband in a socially respectable place, bible study. Being called a gold digger would imply that I went to bible study to look for a rich man to date. Then that would also mean I was in bible study for the wrong reasons, so not only is that accusation false, but it also implies that you think that low of me that I would only date someone because of the things he can give me. Secondly, if you knew even 10% about my husband, you would also know that he does not own a mansion, a lamborghini or a private jet. All of these things would be on my list if I was going after someone for their money. Clearly, I didn't make out with those things, so that is my counter argument to that terrible assessment of my intentions.
Also, the gold digger accusation tends to come from a lot of housewives themselves. They do not work, but they do not mind pointing their finger at someone else and accusing them of exactly what they are doing. This is not said to overgeneralize housewives, but what needs to be pointed out here is that many people who have accused women like me and my friend of being gold diggers do not work themselves. Their dream job is to stay at home, which ultimately means that their husbands have to make enough money for them to do so. Did you hear that? Make enough money for them to stay at home. My friend and I both have jobs and go to school full-time. Funny how no one is calling housewives or stay at home moms gold diggers. No, the part where they need their husbands money to let them be that is completely nailed under the hardwood floors, not even swept, nailed under the foundation of the house under that rug.
Why do women with high standards who expect their husbands to be doctors, engineers, CEO's, or whatever only referred to as pretentious? Is that not a form of gold digging? But somehow, me, a full-time student and a part-time worker gets crowned gold digger.
The second misconception about age gap relationships is the psychoanalysis of the younger woman needing a father. True, I did not have a present father in my childhood. However, why would I be interested in dating someone to take the place of my father? That implies that I am looking for a parent to navigate my life, which would defeat the point of a romantic relationship. In fact, I would not be sexually attracted to someone who reminded me of my dad because it would feel wrong just as much as it is wrong. Evidently, a fatherless or absent fathered woman who marries someone closer to her age is never accused of finding a mate to replace her father, so why would age suddenly mean something different? Bottom line, for most relationships to work, there needs to be attraction to each other. If I am attracted to my husband, it does not matter if you are not.
Then there is the idea that age gap relationships have problems and communication issues due to the age gap. I'm sorry, did I miss something here? I was totally unaware that problems and communication issues are strictly reserved for people in an age gap relationship. No other marriage in the world has any issues because they are closer in age. Pardon me, I missed the memo.
Our grandparents disagree, our parents disagree, siblings disagree, friends disagree, co-workers disagree. People of all ages can have disagreements with each other. Marrying someone older does not automatically put us in a category of failure to agree, compromise, and understand each other. On the contrary, I have learned a lot about older music, older cartoons, movies, and linguistics by being married to someone older, and he has also learned about the newer side of those things. It has opened up some intellectual conversations, and it never ceases what we learn about each other and how the world relates to each other. There have been many benefits for me because of his maturity alongside conversation. He is stable, I feel safe with him, and he is the most sensitive person towards my feelings and mood swings. Bottom line, no other man would put up with my shenanigans and I know this. He is a fantastic match for me, and I'll be damned if I let anyone out there tell me otherwise.
So go ahead, judge, point fingers, criticize, accuse me of all the wicked things of this world. It won't make me leave my husband because people are disgusted and shocked by us. If I leave, it'll be on my own terms for reasons that could be exactly the same as other normal couples in close age. People forget that most of the divorces out there are couples in closer age. I am not here to judge them either though. I am simply pointing out a few things that may shed light on relationships like mine.
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