Can't Sleep

It's 4:30AM and I just finished my second glass of cabernet sauvignon, hoping it would drift me away into slumberland. Fortunately, it has made me sleepy, but my mind restless. I keep thinking and thinking and thinking. What does it take to shut my brain off? Writing has been the only thing in my life to help me forget my thoughts, or at the very least, move on from it since I left it somewhere else to reflect on later.

Life...

I've been living in California now for five years... five years! Let me say... I miss Pennsylvania. I never thought I would, but I do. I miss the country life style. I miss the simplicity of life and the type of people there.

My husband just bought us a house. I know there are people out there who would LOVE to be in my shoes. A house in California, with pets, the weather, the beach, blah blah blah. But I am actually grieving at the loss of the country life I once had. California is such a crowded state. I haven't been on a backroad since I went to visit Pennsylvania last year.

The people here are just so different too. It's hard to explain because I can't generalize ALL of them.... but anyone who has grown up here is definitely effected by the subculture here, which is also hard for me to describe. It's just something I feel... but can't put into words. Basically, when I go out in the city here, I have this feeling of, "I don't belong here." No one is saying I don't belong there. No one is being rude. No one is treating me differently. But there is a very intense feeling of... "This isn't your place." I guess it's just the fact that I know there is so many rich people walking around, so many "I wanna be this and that" type people and I am simply not that way. I wasn't engineered like this. I wasn't created to want so much in my life. I don't know. I've always been a very simple person who doesn't need a lot. And these type of people that want recognition, attention, and rewards are everyyyyyywhere here. There is just an abundance of them in this state. I didn't see this in Utah. I didn't see this in Pennsylvania. When I did see it, it was too easy to avoid because they stuck out like a sore thumb.

I went from Hershey High School, a competitive school to living in a STATE that now feels very high school all over again. How in the hell did I do that to myself? *rolls eyes*

Listen, I'm very grateful for the things I have. I know I shouldn't complain, but these are my feelings. They are real. I am going through this. I am struggling with being in a crowded state, busy highways, people all around me. I'm not a city girl. I'm just not. I need my quiet and peace.

The plumbers told me that my house is quiet. I responded, "Really? I think it's noisy considering the highway is one street away." They said, "No. It's quiet. Your pets are chill and you have no children." Hmm. I guess it is more quiet compared to their homes, but I am used to have two acres of backyard and half an acre between my neighbors and I. I could HEAR the crickets and owls at night. I heard no cars. It was peaceful.

I can hear cars at night. I'm aware of the highway. Sure, it's not LOUD, but I do know what a quiet household actually is. I don't hear crickets. The lawn mowers are very close by. I can hear the kids playing in their yards. Out east, they were far enough away I couldn't hear my neighbors. Lawn mowers had the faintest sound.

I'm struggling out here. I'm not going to lie. I never thought I would say this, but I am HOMESICK. It may have taken five years to get there, but I am flat out homesick. I miss my country life. I miss the four seasons. I miss my snow for Christmas. I miss the beautiful fall leaves changing colors for Halloween and preparing me for Thanksgiving. I miss the April spring showers that would last for days at a time, warm April showers. I miss the fog and the overcast skies that would stay for days after the rain. I miss the humidity that kept my hair and skin soft without ever using lotion. I miss breathing in fresh air from the abundance of trees on the east coast. I miss hearing the crickets at night. I miss watching the lightning bugs at night light up the outdoors of my windows. I miss 25 MPH roads and being the only person on a road. I miss seeing deer roaming around in the woods. I miss the bats I would see at night sometimes. I miss the east coast.

I think I actually want to go back.

Five years later, I can now say I appreciate what I had. I want to go home.

And that's okay. I am human. I have feelings, and I will have to find a way to cope.