The Flush

It's about time we cleaned out our systems. This time around wasn't as bad as the very first time I did it. Ron & I pushed the reset button on our stomachs. We both gained a little weight this year, more so me. But our pants started getting tight and we both said, whoa. Press the pause button! 

Kinda like this... -->click me 

And we've had enough of that.

Cutting out meat and dairy. Started eating soup the last few days to ease up on my stomach, and let the herbs we took finish cleaning out crap... literally. And we feel greeeeeat! Lost 8 lbs this week. (Of course, when you're barely eating you will drop quick).

I'm done with the meat and dairy. Ever since I got off the vegetarian life style, I have been more tired and groggy than ever. Done. Done. Done with that. 

On the healthy cycle again. Here we go! Insanity & the P90X regime starts tomorrow. May it last forever this time.

Here's my new attitude about food:

You know why it's going to be successful this time around? I do not give a flying monkey if anyone supports me or not. I've got the upper hand now when someone tries to knock it. Misery enjoys company, and I'm not accompanying! 

The Double Standard

I am aware of the double standard that exists between men and women, such as, a man can brag about how many girls he gets, but a woman can't or she's viewed as a whore. A social norm is that it's cool for girls to make out and be lesbians, but not for guys. It's more commonly accepted for a woman to be the caretaker, and for the man to support the family. However, I do not believe in these social codes at all. I despise them because it sets unrealistic expectations for people to meet such as a man feels that he needs to make more than his wife and a woman feels the need to be sexual to attract men. 

Fortunately, the fact that women were always the caretakers and not encouraged to be in the workforce is becoming more of a historical crisis rather than a modern one as we move further into the future. Click here to delve deeper into the health problems that men can experience if they are not the breadwinners of their home. I just finished reading this and felt sad for men. Social norms are not always the best way of going about things if simple things like a woman making more money than her man is causing him health problems.

As far as girls making out to get attention from boys goes, that is just sad to me. It is sad because the girls obviously don't value themselves enough to know that those guys don't respect them. Not valuing yourself comes from low self-esteem. How do I know that? I struggled with this for many years. Also, these boys who encourage this behavior are pigs because they are showing no respect for these women. However, I don't want to spend too much time ranting about these seemingly unbreakable social codes because there is something more problematic than that to me because it directly effects me. 

As a woman, I have noticed that smiling at a man means something different than smiling at a woman. I'm a naturally smiley person when I meet someone new. I'm friendly. That's always been me. Unfortunately, as I have gotten older, I have learned that smiling at a man can be interpreted far away from what my intentions are. For example, one of the managers I worked for in Pennsylvania was easy to get along with, and I always worked my hardest for him because he was level-headed and fair. I was 20 years old at the time, and he was easily in his 50's. He got the wrong idea about me, and one day made the bold move of asking me to come over and have some beers before he moved out of state to work at another hotel. 

This isn't an isolated incidence either of where my smiley nature has given guys the wrong impression. Here's where my confusion lies - I treat women just the same as I treat men. I smile, I talk, I ask questions and I show a general interest in the welfare of that person. The gender does not stop me from being me. But for some reason, it has a tendency to rub off as flirtatious to some people. No man has said this to me, but given the way some of them react to me, I sniff trouble. Since I've been married, I find myself being extra cautious about how I approach guys and I try not to be "too smiley." Unfortunately, I feel awkward around guys because I don't want to look them in the eyes for longer than two seconds, and I certainly do not want to touch them via a pat on the shoulder, a dab with the elbow or any other playful gesture that is considered harmless. 

So I ask myself, what is the reason for all this? I cannot control how people respond to me, but I can control how I act, which is what I am doing. But I cannot control how someone else feels, and sometimes, just being my nice self must be masked. I now feel like when I approach the opposite sex, I have to perform a two second eye contact move and a quick smile followed up with a professional "hello" and not engage in conversation for too long. That feels really awkward to me like I'm hiding something, and rightfully so. I am hiding something, my true self! See where the insecurities come into play? If you have to hide yourself, you're going to feel insecure and project it somehow whether it's negative, positive or just plain awkward.

I spoke about this with a friend and she agrees. The big question here is, why does a smile to a man mean something different than a smile to a woman? 

I can't figure it out.

Husband and Wife

The semester ends tomorrow! But with that comes two finals that I can only do my best on. I have been on lockdown these last few weeks preparing for them.

With that said, my summer is going to be amazing! I am not taking summer classes this time because I took summer classes last year. That's enough! After one solid year of school, I need my summer break.

This past week has made me reflect a lot on how much I love Ron. He has been tutoring me in math and helping me with my homework after he gets home from work. I wouldn't be passing this class if he wasn't helping me. I have to say, I am really happy I married this guy. I went through a period where I started to question the value of marriage when I let my Christian faith go. Once you admit to yourself that you are not Christian, you begin to question everything you ever valued, so naturally, marriage was on the list of questionable necessities. That doesn't mean I felt I needed to divorce Ron, but I had realized that if I knew what I know now, I don't think marriage would have been necessary simply because I don't need a piece of paper to be recognized by the government to prove anything.

However, as I have given marriage much thought over the last few months, I realize that it is important to me after all, piece of paper, wedding rings and all. Why? It is something that not just a boyfriend does. It is extremely endearing that your boyfriend wants to prove to you that he wants to commit to you through your bad moments as well as your good, but also wants that same thing back from you. That right there, does in fact, take your relationship to a different level. If I was just dating Ron until now, I probably would have left at some point because I was bored, wanted to live in another state, or just flat out wanted something different for myself....myself... and how easy it is to break up with a boyfriend. In a marriage? Not so easy, and you honestly cannot think about just yourself. You did make commitments to that person and you promised to love them through all bad and good, better and worse. What kind of person would I be if I decided to leave someone just because I was bored?

And ya know what... every emotion we experience is temporary. Every phase in life is temporary. Boredom and desires come and go, but the important people in your life don't have to. No matter what, every relationship you get into will have its own issues because none of us are perfect. So why not commit to someone you are compatible with, who understands you, and chooses to love you with all of your flaws? For me, having found that person, I am glad I did marry him and I do not regret that decision.

Recently, I had a conversation with Ron about this and he said he knows I am not the girl who really cares about having a ring, but because I was that type of girl, that made him want to give me the best ring he could because he felt I deserved one. That makes my heart smile that this man just wanted the very best for me. It says something about a guy who wants everyone to know she's taken for good. When I look down at my ring now, I see a decision made in love, and his presence is there when he's not around. I also see it as a message to other men for when he is not around which is, "back off." Looking at it that way makes the ring pretty darn powerful!

I like the fact that when he's out and about, he has a wedding ring on his hand that lets everyone know he found someone special who he chooses to love for the rest of his life. Marriage is more than just the piece of paper. It's about the message it sends to others, it shows pride in choosing someone to be with forever because they are special to you. It shows confidence by your ability to commit to someone with life's unknown circumstances that will surely weave its way into your path. Marriage reminds you that love is a choice, and you choose to love that person. This October will be four years of marriage with Ron, and I feel that we are growing together. Marriage is a beautiful thing if you choose to see it that way. It's all in the perspective of the human. :-)

Mothers Day

Happy?...Mothers Day.

Hm.

I have some mixed feelings about this. I didn't even remember it was Mother's Day until Art called and asked what Ron and I had planned for the day. So I called and said, "Happy Mothers Day" simply because I am trying to move forward and forget the past. It was a hard phone call to make that brought up some bitter feelings. I'm not angry anymore. I've let the anger go, but the bitterness is still there. The wound has turned into a scab, and it is quite itchy. So yes, I am still bothered by things from the past that happened between us because there has never been a real discussion about it to help me get closure from really bad decisions that were made on both ends. So by me making that phone call every year, I'm attempting to barry the hatch and forget about talking about any of it. But it is a very difficult thing for me to do. I feel phony when I'm calling to say, "Happy Mothers Day!" because I have some raw emotions that don't feel happy to say that. Even sadder, I have to force myself to say, "I love you" back.

Obviously, I won't go into details here about our relationship because I should not embarrass my mother like that. But that should tell you something... our relationship was that bad that I can't even write about it here for anyone else to read.

To put it mildly, I left home feeling inadequate, insecure, threatened by others, and just plain old not good enough for anyone or anything. I felt like a human being undeserving of life. There was an era in my childhood where I prayed for death to find me. I've never heard of anyone praying to God to die except Jesus when he was on the cross when he could not hold on any longer. That makes me realize how serious those emotions are and what I went through at that time would obviously take years to repair those emotions.

Fast forward nine years into the future, here I am today. I've been breaking down those walls little by little and am chipping away slowly into being myself and being okay with who I am. Now I accept myself, and I am more honest in my thoughts, and allow myself to be a human being. I accept my imperfections, but look for opportunities to be better. I try to capitalize on any moment that takes me a step further away from the past. Nine years of that, you can bet I am very different from back then.

It made me smile the other day when a co-worker of mine said behind my back (in a good way) to another co-worker, "Don't ask Ana that. She would never do drugs."

If I'm giving off that vibe to people, I really have turned a new leaf. Perhaps, that was the positive reinforcement I needed to see that I am progressing. I am getting further away from the darkness that resides in me.

Of course, my dark sense of humor chuckles on the inside, "You really don't know me then do you." ;-)

Grateful

Today, I am thinking about everything I am grateful for in my life.

Jessica and I were talking about Ron, marriage and dating. My family loves him. Jessica even made an announcement last night to talk about how much she appreciates him being in the family. It made me think about all the great qualities he has, and how lucky I am to have such a great man. His loyalty, integrity, selflessness and giving character are noble characteristics that are hard to come by. I feel so proud to have made the decision to marry him. He is marriage material and I knew it from day one. It is still true to this day. I followed my gut and I am happy I did.

I am really grateful to have a house. Never in my wildest imagination did I think I could have a house. I have a place for friends and family to stay and visit. It is so nice to be able to host for people I love and care about. I didn't see that coming so soon in my life, but it did. I am so lucky.

I have pets that I love and adore. They bring a lot of joy into my life and they too are grateful for me. I can tell by the way they behave and respond to our discipline. They like to follow me around the house too.

I am really enjoying my job. I work with some great people and my managers are easy to get along with. For once, my work environment is stable, secure and has its fun days. I couldn't ask for anything more. I've gone through so many terrible managers, awful people and loads of drama. It is a huge relief to be in a work environment where I am comfortable and don't mind going to work. Plus, I just recently got a raise and am continuing to move up the ranks. I see a future here for myself.

I am going to college. Even though it's hard right now and I'm struggling through it, I have the privilege to go to college and learn. I love how our campus organizes events for students to help us in as many ways as they can. I'm thankful for financial aid.

I am happy to have a great, reliable car. Even though filling it up with gas sucks some money out of your wallet, at least I can manage and get to where I need to go.

Having a husband, a house, a car, pets, a good job and the opportunity to go to school are all privileges.

I am living a privileged life.

There is much to be happy about and I wanted to acknowledge that again so I never forget.