Mothers Day

Happy?...Mothers Day.

Hm.

I have some mixed feelings about this. I didn't even remember it was Mother's Day until Art called and asked what Ron and I had planned for the day. So I called and said, "Happy Mothers Day" simply because I am trying to move forward and forget the past. It was a hard phone call to make that brought up some bitter feelings. I'm not angry anymore. I've let the anger go, but the bitterness is still there. The wound has turned into a scab, and it is quite itchy. So yes, I am still bothered by things from the past that happened between us because there has never been a real discussion about it to help me get closure from really bad decisions that were made on both ends. So by me making that phone call every year, I'm attempting to barry the hatch and forget about talking about any of it. But it is a very difficult thing for me to do. I feel phony when I'm calling to say, "Happy Mothers Day!" because I have some raw emotions that don't feel happy to say that. Even sadder, I have to force myself to say, "I love you" back.

Obviously, I won't go into details here about our relationship because I should not embarrass my mother like that. But that should tell you something... our relationship was that bad that I can't even write about it here for anyone else to read.

To put it mildly, I left home feeling inadequate, insecure, threatened by others, and just plain old not good enough for anyone or anything. I felt like a human being undeserving of life. There was an era in my childhood where I prayed for death to find me. I've never heard of anyone praying to God to die except Jesus when he was on the cross when he could not hold on any longer. That makes me realize how serious those emotions are and what I went through at that time would obviously take years to repair those emotions.

Fast forward nine years into the future, here I am today. I've been breaking down those walls little by little and am chipping away slowly into being myself and being okay with who I am. Now I accept myself, and I am more honest in my thoughts, and allow myself to be a human being. I accept my imperfections, but look for opportunities to be better. I try to capitalize on any moment that takes me a step further away from the past. Nine years of that, you can bet I am very different from back then.

It made me smile the other day when a co-worker of mine said behind my back (in a good way) to another co-worker, "Don't ask Ana that. She would never do drugs."

If I'm giving off that vibe to people, I really have turned a new leaf. Perhaps, that was the positive reinforcement I needed to see that I am progressing. I am getting further away from the darkness that resides in me.

Of course, my dark sense of humor chuckles on the inside, "You really don't know me then do you." ;-)