Gaining Wisdom

The last ten months of my every day life have been the most drastically changing for me in my entire life. I haven't written in a long time and that was intentional. I've looked back at my other posts and see how much I fluctuated from "I believe in this..." wait..."No, I was wrong or that's wrong. Now I believe in this..." wait... "Back to the original plan, I'm this or I'm not that." Looking back and comparing where I was back then to where I am now, I can see that I had some major identity issues. I tried to be vegan. I tried to be vegetarian. I was a student aspiring to "be someone important." I was in church to get right with God. I was riding the Identity Tower of Terror ride at Disney World. I'm finally here to write what's been up with me this last year and where I'm at now with all of this. I have the confidence to admit my weaknesses, be transparent for anyone to judge and really not care at all what any of ya think either. I'm not ashamed of my growth one bit. 

I can't even try to sum up where I've been, who I idolized, what things I have idolized, and where I got my satisfaction from. Simply put, I've been living my life in the flesh. That might sound like strange lingo but it really is that simple. I was living in the desires of my human body, making me susceptible to anything that man deems valuable. Yikes! How scary that is to me now! My entire life has been living in a manner to keep up with the worldly expectations of us; get a career, do something that matters, look good on paper, accomplish difficult things, follow your heart. No... there has to be something more than that. There just has to be. Otherwise, what's the point? What a lonely, unsatisfying life to have to worry about the approval of man - care about what job you have, care about how high your education goes, what school you went to, where you live, what car you drive. Yuck... just yuck and clutter in my head with all these human desires and expectations. 

Well, I started attending church... yes, haha, I know... again. I know I'm talking to myself in these blogs, but I like to pretend I'm actually reaching out to someone who cares. So church was random. I didn't want to go. It was back in July. I was invited to go and I didn't want to reject such a polite and sincere invitation. This person genuinely seemed like they wanted to share something awesome with me, so eh, why not? Just go. You'll sit there for an hour or two tops, you'll shake hands with people and you'll leave. You might get a positive message or you might get offended, but so what? You're not committed to anything so you don't owe anyone shit. I think part of me hadn't been to church in so long that I was actually kind of curious what it would be like going to church after three years of being fed up with God and his mysterious ways. I had absolutely no expectations whatsoever. Can't get disappointed when you expect nothing. 

Instead, I was genuinely surprised. Andy, a pastor of this church called, "Restored" was talking about church planting and how he left a 6 figure position to begin a church. So no more benefits, no more steady income, but he felt that it was important for him to plant a church and actually practice what the prophets of the Bible taught about discipleship. Who in their right mind leaves a 6 figure job with full benefits who has a wife, two kids and a baby on the way? He believed he needed to create more communities that know God so that more people can know who he is, learn of his grace and good news so they may become new people no longer living inside their flesh. HUH?! That actually made sense to me! This is a guy totally putting faith in God to do something completely unsure and unsafe because he trusted God more than he trusted man! Never heard that one before. 

But I remained cautious. I kept going to church with my guards up and my cautions high. But the more I talked to other members and listened to others testimonies, the more I couldn't ignore what was happening inside of me. I was learning things that went completely against a human's way of experiencing struggles, conflict and desires. People's testimonies were the most powerful words I have ever heard spoken publicly. People were sharing their stories of how they used to live their lives - this included eating disorders, prejudices, cheating on a spouse, pornography addictions, etc, you name it. They admitted to living their lives this way and how learning the Gospel completely flipped their worlds as they knew it to be upside down. They changed. They quit those behaviors and they didn't receive medication, or modern psychology to modify behaviors. They had real, heart wrenching stories of pain and suffering sharing this for all of us to judge, so transparent, honest in their wrongdoings but had so much hope, joy and peace filling their lives now that they want to turn around and share those same awesome feelings with everyone else. And each and every one of these people gave their heart change's credit to God, not themselves. Their stories turned into being about how good God is and how he restores people. Totally different than anything I had ever heard or experienced anywhere... ever...

What is this Gospel they speak of? Well, I kept going to church. I started to reach out. I dug into the word. I read the Bible now. Never did that before. I think had I actually read the New Testament before, I'd have known of the good news a long time ago. But whatever. I'm not even measuring my time as  a bad or good thing. I'm just noticing how my pride got in the way of me accepting the Gospel as truth and the light to peace and true satisfaction. The goodness of God has me mesmerized and I have been digging deeper ever since this summer into the Lord's goodness. It really is just that... goodness. My identity issues that I had for most of my life have slowly dissipated over this year.

 As I grew more with God in my heart, I checked my intentions on everything that I do. Going to school before truly knowing God was all about my ego - building my confidence up and seeking the approval of man to get a career and climb the "success ladder" that man created. But now, if I go back to school, it's not because I seek the approval of man or need a degree to have confidence. It is simply because I feel I can do more with what I have been given and could possibly have more opportunities to help people if I acquire more skills. I don't feel bad for being where I'm at because to feel bad about not having accomplished a dozen hard things by now is to indirectly admit that it matters what others think about me. Why should I feel bad about not keeping up with the world's shallow expectations? I used to though! But God is so much better. That is the beauty in all of my struggles. God's way is so much better than anything humans have to offer. Humans are finicky, prideful, competitive, and just quite simply broken. Everyone needs God. Not just me, not just Hitler. Real, every day people need a Savior from themselves. It's a shame how much religion has distorted the Gospel and has turned it into the damnation of souls, hell, shame and punishment. The Gospel is good news. I've never been able to say that before. But the fact that my identity no longer lies in the fate of man is proof that I have been rescued and am ever so glad to tell you that it was God.

2014 Holidays

Thanksgiving was unusual this year. We normally get together with the in-laws and host, but since they couldn't make it down, we went to a co-worker's house full of people we didn't know that well. It was delicious food and all, but I didn't feel like being there. It was a last minute thing, and I asked to bring the dog. They said yes at first, then changed their mind right when we were heading out the door. We ate OUTSIDE and no one was hanging out inside so that made me irritated and we left right after we ate. I didn't feel bad about it one bit since we brought two delicious side dishes and left it there for them. So I didn't feel rude at all. I was happy to go home and spend the rest of the day with Chester. What's the point of having a dog if you're not going to spend time with him? People who don't like animals annoy me and I also don't trust people that don't like animals. There's just something wrong with you if you don't like a dog. They are the most innocent, lovable and loyal creatures. I consider Chester part of the family and I wouldn't have it any other way.

Still no word on Jezzybell. She ran away on our anniversary and we never saw her again. Part of me feels like, "Good riddens ungrateful dog!" lol. We're a great home for a pet. If you wanna be somewhere else, peace out then. Chester never runs away so he obviously knows he has it good here. He loves to be with us. He's actually the best dog I have ever had in my life. I'm also much more mature and know exactly how to treat and train a dog. He gets his daily walks and he has discipline in the house, so he listens and respects other people's space. When I was younger, I didn't know what the hell I was doing and didn't have a husband to help me out if I stayed late at work. Ron and I can take turns feeding and walking the dog. Teamwork really makes a difference as a pet parent. Being a single parent is hard. lol. 

Christmas was wonderful. Chandra and Lyla came down and I love those two dearly. They make up for the family I never had. I can talk to them about anything and I can truly be myself with them. I can't wait to go up for a visit and go wine tasting with them. That's one thing I can never do with my family. They'll never understand how people can drink and not go overboard with it or be happy enjoying it. They think it's wrong, and I used to always feel like a loser because I have always enjoyed drinking. But now as an adult, I see how normal it really is and how ANYTHING in life can be taken out of moderation. Food for some people is a serious problem and may result in obesity for them. So are there bad examples of people who drink? Yes, but there are bad examples of people who eat too. There are many forms of bad habits that shouldn't be blamed on substance. The user of the substance is the one with the control. It's something my family is never going to understand, and will always look down on me for. To this day, it still hurts to know that they feel superior to the way I choose to live my life. 

The Holidays tend to be bittersweet for me because I am reminded of how uncomfortable it is to be around my own "family", but then I am glad that I have people who love me just the way I am. Lyle, Chandra, Pop, Art, Bobby, Floyd - my in laws. Tia Nidia, vo'vo', my tios and primas en Brasil. Being married to Ron has given me a family. I am grateful for that and try not to be too sad about what I don't have with my immediate "family." I guess that's one of the beautiful things about adoption. You don't bond to people who didn't bring positivity to your life. Later in life, I chose who I would be bonded to. I am really curious what it would be like to have someone that you are blood related to. Since I don't have that sense of loyalty or bond to immediate family, I really wonder what it feels like to have a biological sibling. So what would it feel like to have a child? That would be my first biological bond ever. Part of me feels like I should experience having a biological connection to someone. But when I take a look around, it seems like there are more unhappy parents than happy ones. That's what keeps being childless in perspective for me. If I start seeing more happy parents, then maybe I'll reconsider. lol.

New Years wasn't quite the experience that I am used to. We went to a boat doc party and it was mostly old people. Most of them stayed in their boats because it was chilly outside and not all of them were the most friendly people. I wanted to dance and have a good time, but this definitely wasn't the crowd for that. We won't be doing this again next year. I really want to party with the Custodio family again. I miss doing New Years with them. They are such awesome people. I feel like that's the family I was meant to be born in. lol. They dance, drink, do karaoke, have games and good food! That's 100% me! Our first New Years with them sealed the bond between us. We enjoyed two more New Years with them. I'll never consider doing New Years any other way from now on. Next year, we'll be back with the Filipino family! :-) 

On a serious note, this year has been interesting. I'm learning more about myself and getting more comfortable with myself too. If someone doesn't like me, I don't let it eat me up like I used to. I don't chase anyone to earn their approval. I let people make their assumptions because the ones that jump to conclusions about you aren't worth your time anyway. You'll always have to prove yourself to them. But if someone takes the time to ask questions and get to know you properly, that is the friend that will stay consistently in your life. I don't believe in, "Friends come and go." I still have friends from my childhood. I have made friends over the last few years that are still in my life today. I keep people around who build me up and bring something positive to my life. The only people who have "came and went" are people that weren't really my friends to begin with. So therefore, friends don't come and go. Friends stay. Insincere people go. Going into 2015, I am going to continue doing what is important to me and won't explain myself to anyone that doesn't ask sincere questions. 

Fake Friends Helped Me Move On

The past several months have been what I will call a recycling period with the people who have come in and out of my life. It really is a vivid image of people from my past coming into my life and either staying or leaving. I have been reconnected with some friends from long ago. Sadly, a few that I thought were friends have shed from me like the dead skin from a snake. I am okay with that though because I have met some remarkable people who have come into my life during this process and am strengthening relationships with people that should remain or be part of my life. It was time to shed the dead weight and move stronger into a new phase of life.

I have been going to church again. A co-worker invited me a few months ago. I had not been to church in a couple years and so I hesitated to say yes at first. I really wasn't feeling it. I have been tired of trying to understand God and his mysterious ways. I took a good, long break from it. I'm glad I did. We all need to go through our own journeys to learn who we are and how to reach our potential. This time at church, I felt different about it. I wasn't going for any particular reason so I didn't feel obligated to like it. It was more of a courteousy acceptance to an invitation of a fellow worker.

Boy, my experience at Restored Church gave me something to remember. I actually felt loved during the worship. I understood what the pastors were talking about. I could relate to them. They are simple people, not rich or making money the way Joel Olsteen is or most religions. They spoke thought provoking things that challenge your character as a human being on earth. Things that could apply to even an Amazonian in the jungle. That is how I measure the truth. If an indigenous human can apply this teaching without having a Bible in hand, then it is truth. Truth is unbiased. It applies to everyone.

Tonight was my second night at Bible Study. These people feel like family already. I felt love in this home. Truth is here. Everyone attending is simple and humble. I had prayed for these things years ago. I specifically wanted to be surrounded by humble people who don't get absorbed in the world's lies. Call it an epiphany, revelation, prophecy, coincidence, divine nature. I'm gonna say my prayers were answered. I remember being 15 years old and asking God to please get me to a safe place where the people are not pretentious, competitive, and spoiled. I wanted so badly to be around resilient folk who value the loyalty of their friends and family, the kind of people who are grateful and have true peace in their hearts. Well, I am here... 12 years later. I am right where I dreamed to be when I was 15.

Maybe it would have happened sooner if I was more patient with God. But then again, perhaps I wouldn't have the same appreciation for what is had I not struggled to get here. Suffering is part of life, but on the other side of that coin is joy. We all have to suffer, but I see now that I can find peace through it so long as I take the opportunity to seek wisdom through it. Without suffering, could we truly understand joy? I wonder. All I know is that I am beginning a new relationship with God that feels like a clean slate. I am listening for wisdom.

I am liking this new phase in life I have entered. This is the beginning of my heart and mind working together in peace. My mind is being put to rest with the peace that wants to stay in my heart.

VeganISH

Oprah's Vegan Challenge <-- YouTube Video

I've come to the realization that I can handle being veganish, as Oprah states. As much as I agree with vegans and all the information available out there about animal rights, I am finding it extremely difficult to be a completely disciplined vegan. Kathy Preston went to hell and back with her health, so I can see how she slipped into vegan eating perfectly. However, my health hasn't taken a dramatic down turn like Kathy's because I eat fairly healthy for the most part. But I'm coming to terms with the idea that perhaps vegan eating isn't going to be my way of life every single day.

I get a free meal at work, and that's a nice little perk.

 Sometimes, I want New York Style pizza.

Sometimes, I want pesto in my marinara sauce for my spaghetti.

Sometimes, I want a croissant. 

Sometimes, I want scrambled eggs with buttered toast.

*sigh*

I love animals. I know that when I eat anything that comes from an animal, I fail as a human being because I don't have as much compassion as vegans do. Vegans are very admirable people because they really can't live with hurting innocent creatures for their taste buds pleasure. I applaud them. I think these people are stellar examples of ultimate compassion, so I am disappointed in myself that I can't commit to the club. 

But what is reasonable for me? I have drastically cut down what I eat that comes from animals. I limit myself to only eating burgers when I'm at work, if I opt in for the free meal. I usually eat vegetarian when I go out, and it's a bonus if I'm feeling sacrificial that day and decide to eat vegan instead. We don't buy meat in our house. I use animal free products in my bathroom. I've made some really positive changes in my consumer habits because I do care up to a certain level.

But can I ever be a true vegan? 

I dunno.

Perhaps, one day I can. But for right now, it isn't working so well for me. I'd call myself a vegetarian if it wasn't for my burgers that I eat at work occasionally. But ya know what? Screw the labels. If I'm mostly vegetarian, and sometimes vegan, then that's pretty good in my book. I know a lot of people that wouldn't even think of being vegetarian for a week or even vegan for a day.

It is what it is, my friends. But just because I'm veganish, doesn't mean I want your chicken pot pie or your filet mignon. I just can't be a perfect vegan is all I'm admitting to, but I try my best and forget the rest!

Wishy Washy

I'm back in my little, "I need to finish school" routine. In-N-Out is a good job with awesome perks and benefits. However, recently, I have had a lot of time to ponder and reflect being that I was not in school this semester. I quickly realized that In-N-Out is good for now, but it won't be good enough forever. I don't see myself retiring here. I see myself moving up as far as I can go, but eventually will want a career change. Haha. What the heck is wrong with me? I can never make up my mind. 

Recently, at In-N-Out, I have been dragging on and on in the same positions not exactly being given opportunities to master my newly learned job duties which is frustrating. Day by day has passed by with plenty of ample time to ponder the future and it did cross my mind that I won't be fulfilled here for the rest of my life. My brain is just capable of more. I need to be challenged more and I am eager to learn new things. I feel that my growth here has been stunted and that isn't what I saw coming so quickly. But it did, and you know what? That's perfectly OKAY. We have to go through things in life to move onto another phase right? We have to live our lives so we can learn more about what we are capable of and what we can offer in this world.

My registration date for the summer semester is May 27. The classes I need are already closed, not surprised. There is a math class I need that is offered in a lab setting, partly online as a move at your own pace type of course. Since it is the only one that will probably be open, I'll take it. I need the class. Just get it done. 

I have really been shying away from taking out school loans, but after discussing this over with a friend, it might just be worth it to do school loans to be enrolled full-time. It is super discouraging to pay for one class at a time. It makes me feel like I am wasting time. I don't know why it scares me so much to take out school loans, but it does. The idea of being in 1,000's of dollars of debt is frightening to me. But perhaps, I need to just confront the fear and commit to the debt... as scary as it seems. 

I listen too much to the conspiracy theorists. Their ideas of how student loan debt is going to crash the economy freaks me out. Even more scary, that I won't find a job after school is over. THEN what do you do? 

People Suck

Writing here is a safe way for me to sort out the heavy things in my mind, process it, then understand and deal with it. I have had plenty on my mind lately. I dislike humans. I think we are a destructive species inhabiting this planet. We are destroying it, slowly, but surely. It bothers me. I do not know what to do about it. I feel powerless. What can I do?

Trees are being torn down in the Amazon at a rate faster than those trees can ever be replaced. There are tropical, healing fruits and plants that reside in this beautiful jungle that I see one day will just be gone. The Lorax has such a sweet, innocent way of telling us how it is. But this is not an animation. This is real. And the Indians in the forests are falling into extinction. I believe the proper word for this is genocide. I wish I could protect them. But even my pathetic $5 donations to organizations that work to defend the forest and it's native people can't save them because of the evil, powerful destructive force that persistently kills diversity and culture in disagreeance with western civilization.

The Navy will be performing tests in the oceans with powerful weapons that will destroy thousands of ocean creatures. The good guys are taking them to court, but why does anyone need to hear a case like that? Shouldn't everyone care enough about our planet that safety precautions would automatically be taken so that the ocean doesn't get disrupted negatively? Why must the government need to hear a case and consider what the right thing is to do? Who has the control in this situation and why do they have such little respect for life?

Why must millions of orphans grow up without families? Why are millions of orphanages without education and opportunities? It is estimated that there are around 153 million orphans world wide. That is 153 million adults that will not have the skills to get through life or even know how to interact with people. How can we just ignore 153 million human lives? Women are forced to relinquish their kids because of living in poverty. This is wrong. No one should have to abandon their children because of financial reasons. How can human life be thrown away because of money?

If we want to be good people and have good things happen and to be happy, why are the bad people prevailing? Why are we not a united people? What is wrong with the human race? Why are we not taking care of each other? How did we get to be such a cruel species? And we actually believe we are above animals? 

I am confused. I am not okay with all this and I just don't know what to do about it. The world is an overwhelming place for me and I am unsure how to thrive in it. I can only believe in so much psychology because they want to label and categorize all human emotions and behaviors. Many of them would say that I am depressed, but to that I will say, "Screw you." How is my empathy categorized as depression? How do my feelings for hurt humans and suffering creatures become a mental condition? If we all just smile and see the world so positively, then that is what makes me a happy, healthy person? I am supposed to ignore the problems of the world so that I can fit in and not offend people? 

If caring about these things means I can't fit in, then I don't want to fit in with my kind. I would rather be alone. I would rather just not be a burden to anyone or a menace to society. I don't understand people. I can't relate to most, and maybe that's a good thing. But I am becoming more and more discouraged to meet new people because most of them don't care about world problems. I'm bored of people's conversations. I am tired of entertainment serving as a distraction from the world. I hate being bombarded with ads everywhere you go on the billboard, on commercials, on the internet, when you check your mail and random phone calls/voicemails. I have a problem with $. I am not motivated to make it anymore. I just don't care about the world's made up success anymore. 

Have I trampled your thoughts enough? Have I burdened your load more? Do I sound like the most pessimistic person yet? Well, I don't care and I can't apologize for being tormented. My feelings are real. I have never been able to ignore the bad things because it eats away at my conscious when I do. My problem is not knowing how I can make a difference. I want to help, but I haven't figured out how to live my life for a purpose. That doesn't mean I don't do service projects (I just don't talk about my good deeds because I don't want to corrupt my sense of good to mankind). I don't believe in self-righteous bragging. I just don't know how to live a life that is 100% meaningful. 

And boy, did it feel good to type all this out. A lot on my mind is an understatement. I'm dwelling and I need to release these thoughts. I need to make sense of them. I need to figure out how my life can be dedicated to saving the world one little problem at a time. Becauses things aren't okay and they never will be until poverty and evil die. The world is at war and I can't just hide from it anymore. 

Yes, I can find joy. Yes, I can smile and laugh. I have good things in my life, but I want to fight for the others who don't. That is the burden I carry and cannot easily share with others.

School vs Work

It is no secret how student debt is in the trillions now. Yikes! We all cringe when we hear that, and yet, everyone is still racking up debt thinking that school will pay off in the end. Hm. I am not so sure this is the case. I know too many college grads on a personal level that are working at jobs that don't pay them enough to pay back their loans in a decent amount of time. One of my friends worked for free for two years before landing an attorney position. Luckily for her, she could live at home with full support from her parents and had full scholarships for school. But what about everyone else in her position? Could they afford to work for free and did they even receive full scholarships? Most students would say no.

Another one of my friends racked up $150,000 of debt after graduating from a private university to a slump salary of $50,000. Again, yikes! Needless to say, there was definitely a much smarter way of going about her schooling to not have racked up that much debt, but the point is -- how ridiculous is this?! School tuition just keeps rising while salaries are not. 

This is why I have decided that taking one class at a time is going to be much more realistic and beneficial for me. While college degrees no longer guarantee success, I am not going to invest 100% of my time and rack up ridiculous debt for a chance at success. I will, give part of my time though to a chance at success. In the mean time, I have a good job at In-N-Out that many people turn their noses down at. But you know what? I'm getting too tired to care about people's discriminations against job types. I know what I have, and it has potential for me to move up even if I don't necessarily love the job. It's a great job that has room for advancement. Managers are compensated well, and also have the opportunity for other jobs in the corporate office in Irvine. There are other miscellaneous jobs that come with management experience that are options as well if relocating to Irvine is not an option.

I'm going to keep moving up at In-N-Out. Even though some days are shitty, I also have some really oppositely fun days. The job is stressful work indeed as the physical demands are high and the pace at work is consistently speedy. Everything is about prioritizing your time, and one bad decision is the difference between staying ahead or being behind. I admire the higher levels at work and some of my managers because their experience at In-N-Out is fun to watch and their timing skills are impressive. Their tolerance levels for bullshit are abnormally high. 

So I've been giving this some thought and discussed this with Ron the other day. I thought it would be a great idea to slowly work on my degree via one class at a time so it'll get finished one day. More importantly, so that I don't rack up debt. I know it isn't worth it. By the time Ron is ready to retire, I should be done with my degree, and perhaps, I'll move into the corporate office and step away from the stores. That would mean relocating to Irvine, but it's a very realistic option. It's nice to have options. 

A few things that inspired me today to write this out:

http://www.askmen.com/money/career_400/493_jobs-without-college.html

http://www.ted.com/talks/sheryl_sandberg_why_we_have_too_few_women_leaders

Tofu is Bad

If you're wondering where to get organic, non GMO, gluten-free tofu, here is the website:

Organic Tofu <-- click it

They sell this at Costco, and that is where I purchase it.

Not all tofu is equal, and there is nothing wrong with eating it if you eat the right kind.

Check it out. Look at the ingredients for yourself.

I do the same with soy milk. Always, always organic. That's the best way to eat anything!

I am really seeing how people like to tear you down when you eat really strictly. They will pick apart any little part of your diet just to make themselves feel better for the crap they eat. Just know that ahead of time, and don't let them get all "pesticide on your veggies" on you. If they do, just let them say it. At the end of the day, your veggies, fruits and horrible soy are keeping you leaner than 90% of everyone elses diets anyway. Yes, I went there. This is a safe place for me to vent about others who are constantly poking at my diet in some way or another while I sit there in silence and just nod my head to keep the peace.

One lady even went as far as telling me, "Ron needs to not eat so much soy. It will give him man boobs."

Not strangely enough, thirteen years later, Ron does not have man boobs and is in much better shape and looks younger than most people his age. What study was this? And for how long was this study conducted? And what kind of soy was being consumed? Yeah, they NEVER know the answers to those questions.

Fucking people.

Oh well!

Let 'em poke fun and continue on with your delicious tofu cookings. I've dropped a solid 10 lbs and I am feeling much happier now than I was when I was eating crap that I enjoyed in my mouth for a whole twenty minutes with all the terrible after effects of an overly full tummy, being bloated, not able to lose weight, feeling sluggish, not sleeping well.

Now? My body is tired when it should be. I sleep uninterrupted. My body is transforming. I enjoy what I'm eating more now because the after effects are all positive. I'm not bloated. I don't feel grossly full. I'm not up at night trying to sleep. My stomach feels cleaner because I'm pooping twice a day, nice big ones! My size is slowly but surely going down.

It's taken a while for me to train this way, but it is so worth it now. Now, I see that eating to enjoy food really wasn't an enjoyment at all. It's eating to enjoy how I feel afterwards that is really the enjoyment for me now. It's the after effects that are pleasing. So, again, I emphasize that when people are determined to give you a piece of their diet knowledge, just know first hand the benefits of what you are doing feel 1,345,678,234,035,434 times better than whatever the hell they're doing. I know this because I crossed the fence. I was on the other side at one time, and the grass really is greener on this side.

Ha, yes, ironically GREENER!

Dairy Relapse

Whoops. I wasn't exactly dairy free the last few weeks. Ron and I went out to Happy Hour in Hillcrest and ate fried mac and cheese balls. Then at work, I put some creamer in the coffee on the days that I did not bring my own pre-mixed coffee blend. I am also starting to wonder about eggs and if there is a problem with eating eggs, knowing they are not fertilized. 

However, as I sit here and think about it some more, the way I am trying to eat is about not promoting farmed animals. So if I do buy the eggs, then I am still supporting the farm that slaughters animals for food. The point of plant-based eating is to be independent of animals. But I wonder, if I have my own chickens to lay eggs, is that wrong? Then I really know it's truly organic and harm free. I do not even need a rooster so that I know for sure the eggs are unfertilized. Hm. Food for thought...

I just want to make sure I am doing the right thing for myself and what is best for the planet and all creatures inhabiting it. I'm not sure that I even want my own chickens because I have been told they poop everywhere. I don't want my nice patio being chicken pooped on everywhere, and then I'll have to feed them and coop them up. But if they are being cooped up, they aren't cage free then are they? Goes back to the whole farming thing...

You know, it just becomes less conflictual for me if I simply don't eat animal products. I don't have to worry about the suffering behind it if I just stay organic and plant-based. However, I am not perfect by any means. I still mess up sometimes by not having the alternate dairy option readily available for where I am in that particular moment. I don't always make the right choice to abstain from an appetizer that someone else bought. I'm still learning how to be completely independent of animals. This is a journey. However, I am proud to say I got the meat part down. It's easy to deny that now. 

Sounds like I'll actually need a purse now for my snacks while on the road. I dislike purses, but if it means the difference between choosing poorly out of convenience than to choose clean eating, I guess I will just have to find a way to embrace it. 

I've Had It

My relationship with my parents are not good. They haven't been since the day I turned 12. That's when I started growing apart from my 'family' and not growing with them. I learned not to trust them with my feelings because they said I had no right to feel the way I was feeling. So instead of sharing my feelings, I hid them. It explains all the anger, fear and bitterness I had dwelling inside me. There was no healthy way to release them, so I got in trouble instead. Not necessarily on purpose. I was just hanging with the wrong crowd because they didn't judge me. They didn't have expectations of me that I had to measure up to. I was allowed to be angry and sad with them because they were angry and sad too for their own reasons. We were all teenagers, clueless about life with no real support in the home. This is why teenagers do drugs. Studies show this time and time again. At this point in my life though, I didn't know I was just another statistic. I only knew that I felt horrible and depressed. 

But now I'm 27 years old. I have had adequate time to process my emotions and deal with them in a positive way. It's brought me to a place now where I can actually see the past as one big puzzle. All the pieces fit together and the picture is a sad one. It is a scar in me that will never be forgotten. How could I forget such a long period of my life? Fortunately, this picture is only the beginning of my life. It isn't the end of it, so I have the wonderful opportunity to take control from here on out and do what is best for me and Ron. 

I have made the brave decision today to be done with my parents. I tried to have a civil conversation with my 'father' today about my feelings because he asked. I did not call him seeking to speak. He called me and wanted to know why I have been so distant. I began to talk with him, and he became angrily defensive. He still has not reached a place in his life where he can take accountability for what he has done or does do. But I was already ten steps ahead of him. I expected this behavior from him. Since he rambles on about his feelings, I had to interrupt and end the conversation abruptly. It wasn't the most polite way of ending a conversation, but, however, I did not simply just end the conversation. I ended a toxic relationship. I am officially done with him, and for now, done with my 'mother' as well. I quote the words "dad" and "mom" because I see them as caregivers, not parents. 

I could write an essay about why I see them this way, but I don't have the energy to. The hurt was too deep for so many years that I have not healed completely. Speaking with them has been aggravating a wound that's been trying to heal. I realize now that I just need to not be speaking with them until it has had time to heal properly. I'm not strong enough to carry on with these imaginary relationships that I've been having with them. I finally addressed the elephant in the room that no one wanted to discuss, and it did not end well. But I was ready for it. I was afraid to face it for all this time, but I built up the courage to finally do it. Looking back, I didn't have a support group of people around me, but this time around, I have my husband, Ron. He is my support group. I can't be around poisonous people that make me feel bad. I just can't.

It's time to build myself up, gain self-esteem, feel positive about life and see the glass as half full. I'm done being hurt. I have my own life here and an amazing husband that loves me for who I really am. I did not have the privilege of growing up in a home where I felt accepted for my personality and my differences. Rather, scolded for thinking differently. So, it makes sense, that I would be done with my caregivers. It brings me back to the awful past. A past that I understand now, and truly want to move on from. I really was orphaned the day I was adopted. I understand. But it's okay. I've been my own parent all these years, and now I have a great partner I get to wake up to and go to bed with every night. I am loved deeply by another human being. I get to have true love in my life, so I am happy about that. It is a wonderful feeling to feel loved.

This world we live in makes no sense sometimes. I'm just here, living in the moment. Trying to be healthy.

Furthermore

The only thing I hate about being labeled a vegan is that people immediately assume that I believe eating meat is 100% wrong. In other words, that I find no toleration for it whatsoever. But that isn't the case for me. I am 100% against eating meat depending on where you live and what resources are available to you. For example, ancient Native Americans roamed the Americas actively hunting and gathering, playing by the same rules as all the other creatures in the food chain. Today, however, this is not how most of us live.

Eating meat is a life style as old as time. For whatever reason we have predators on this earth, I will never understand it. But there is a respectful way of eating meat, and there is a disrespectful way of eating it. The only group of people I am aware of who still play by the same rules as the Native Americans did are the Eskimos. They live off the land. They hunt and gather their food. They live many months in harsh winter conditions. Growing vegetables is not a reality for them. However, they respect life, which means they do not waste any part of the animal they catch. They wear it, eat it, make utensils, and can even use whale blubber as oil for lanterns. 

The Eskimos do not buy food. They are active participants in the food chain that play by the rules of nature, not by rules of greed. They are not wearing seal skin because it is fashionable. They wear it because that is how they stay warm. It keeps them alive. It is the difference between freezing to death and not. Shamefully, the country I live in not only promotes wearing fur, but they support it. People buy it and see nothing wrong with killing an animal solely for it's fur because it is fashionable. Wearing fur is one of the most expensive options out there, and it is by far not the only option to keep us warm. So why buy it other than to exercise vanity? These animals are skinned alive. If I have to explain why the vanity in that is wrong, then I really will have lost all my faith in humanity. 

Since I am not an eskimo, I do not hunt or gather my food. I use money to get everything I need. I am not playing by the the laws of nature. I am playing by the laws of man, which only recognize the rights of human beings, not animals. Since I have a responsibility to care for the Earth, I should be mindful how I consume all things. Becoming vegan is really about going green. It's about being pro-earth in every sense. I respect the earth, and I respect all life in it. I do not eat meat because the way my money is used to get meat is disrespectful to the creature. To name a few things off the top of my head, cows are more often than not injected with hormones to grow faster than normal, overfed to get fat, and killed too soon in its life, which means, most steaks are a form of veal since they are killed from one week old to 16 months. Do I even need to mention how this is an act of greed? 

I have the resources available to me to be a responsible and respectful inhabitant of our planet. In a sense, I can live like the Eskimo when my money is used respectfully. I believe we are defined by the intention of our decisions. Knowing what I know now, my intentions would not be corrupted if I buy meat fully aware of the consequences my decisions have an impact on. Intentions are what make us who we are. Furthermore, I have been searching for ways to fight evil for most of my life, so this is a victory for me to have the opportunity to stand up for something simply by what I choose to consume. I enjoy the feeling of a personal victory against all the greed out there. There is really nothing quite like it.

Think a Vegan can't have spaghetti? WRONG!

Spaghetti is absolutely one of my favorite comfort foods that I was determined to find an equally delicious alternative for because I wasn't about to give that up! 

See that? That's a noodle better than most pastas you would buy anyway. All you gluten free people can have this too. Costco has it all.

My choice of meat alternative is the Italian Style veggie sausages. You have to play around with the meat alternatives to find the one you like best, but this one has a lot of flavor already that I can work with, so I opted for this one. I took two out of the bag and grated it in my food processor for a ground beef texture.

To spruce up my sauce, I sauteed half an onion and a few tablespoons of garlic (I love garlic) in olive oil first and seasoned with salt and pepper. Then I added my grated veggie sausages and combined a jar of marinara sauce. I also chopped up a few basil leaves from my garden and added it into the sauce.

Oh, and of course I topped it off with some dairy free grated parmesan. 

Mhmm. We don't have to miss out on a thing these days!

Thoughts Over Banana Peanutbutter Chocolate Yums

 So first, I diced a banana and slapped some organic peanut butter in the middle of it. I froze it for an hour, took it out and dipped it in melted dark chocolate. Put it back in the fridge for 20 minutes and wa la. A truly vegan delight of my three favorite sweets, peanut butter, chocolate and banana all together in one. Mmm-mmm.

As I was preparing this delightful treat, I was thinking a lot about brainwashing and how it effects people deep to the core. I've been thinking about how slavery was once accepted as a normal thing here in the States, and I have not met a person yet who would say that they believe slavery was okay. Reading a few articles from a vegan perspective, I really had to challenge my thinking on this concept of enslaving animals for our use. 

Some say, "Animals were put here for us to use." In other words, to abuse for our use because it isn't natural to enslave other creatures. Even predators don't do that. I never heard of a Tiger trapping a group of Buffalo into a specific part of the forest, building fences around them to keep them from roaming free and eating from the land, only being fed by what is brought to them from the Tiger. Huh?! No! So what we are doing here isn't natural, even from a predator standpoint. 

Since the idea of enslaving humans was solely based off the color of their skin was once considered normal and we moved on from that, I believe we will some day get past the idea of the enslavement of animals too. Yes, they are different from us, but so are different races of people. Some people have blonde hair, some have brown. Does that give me the right to abuse you because you are different from me? If the answer is no, then why is there a boundary drawn for any living creature? Enslaving the living is not an act of respect nor kindness. It is an act of control, an abuse of our power. It robs us from compassion and kindness. 

Some say, "Well, we're at the top of the food chain." A friend of mine brought up a great comeback for that. "You go to a grocery store, therefore, you are physically removed from the food chain." Plus, if this is the attitude you want to maintain, then how do you expect us to thrive on this planet acting as if there are no consequences to how we change the natural order of things on earth? 

As stated by the vegan society:

It’s better for the environment.

"Switching to a plant-based diet is an effective way for an individual to reduce their eco-footprint. Vegan diets can produce fewer greenhouse gas emissions than meat-based diets. A University of Chicago study found that the ‘typical’ US diet generates the equivalent of nearly 1.5 tonnes more carbon dioxide per person per year than a vegan diet. The livestock industry is responsible for 18% of global greenhouse gas emissions, more than the entire transport sector (which produces 13.5%), including aviation.

Plant-based diets only require around one third of the land and water needed to produce a typical Western diet. Farmed animals consume much more protein, water and calories than they produce, so far greater quantities of crops and water are needed to produce animal ‘products’ to feed humans than are needed to feed people direct on a plant-based diet. With water and land becoming scarcer globally, world hunger increasing and the planet’s population rising, it is much more sustainable to eat plant foods direct than use up precious resources feeding farmed animals.

Farming animals and growing their feed also contributes to other environmental problems such as deforestation, water pollution and land degradation."

We have the power to act on kindness, compassion and love. We don't have to do what we're doing. There are other ways to live and ensure the survival of not just ourselves, but those who are to live after us. We do have a responsibility to keep the earth clean and free of harm because we live here. Earth is our home. I promise to do my best to be a respectable tenant on this earth, and I will share with you everything I learn on the way to natural living as much as possible. 

Veganism

OKAY people. I've officially gone mad crazy vegan. I've cut all the shit out of my food. Yes, I said shit. That's really how I feel about all that dairy and meat junk. I've officially past the test of temptation now, three times over and over. I've had chicken wings, shrimp lo-mein, ham, cheese brought to the house by friends for gatherings and I've opted for boring, plain salads at restaurants that do not consider meat and dairy alternatives whatsoever. Yes, I've actually passed these temptations like it was nothin'. And I couldn't be happier.

For those of you who are considering going vegan, I'd like to share with you my personal journey to get here. It wasn't a radical change over night. It took me five solid years to get to where I am now. It started with detoxing my system, completely flushing out the junk. Then I went vegetarian on and off for the last five years. After learning to cut out meat fairly easily, I realized that it just made more sense to be vegan because I'm still supporting animal cruelty/ or animals being "harvested" for our use. Much, much research and watching various documentaries has brought me to a place where I cannot feel good about eating meat or dairy anymore. I cannot support it anymore. Again, five years of researching health and nutrition has brought me here. I used to make excuses for eating cheese and using milk for baking until I just forced myself to really take a look at the research available out there and understand what is going on with our food. And so, what it comes down to is feeling bad about it. I honestly just feel bad about consuming those things now, so it is no longer a temptation. I can easily sit down at a restaurant and not care about not eating what everyone else is eating.

I've changed the way I look at food. Meat and dairy no longer look like food to me, so you cannot miss or want something that doesn't look like food to you. I don't live to eat anymore. I eat to live. There's a difference. There's a fantastic documentary called, "Forks Over Knives." Very eye opening information here that gives you 1,000's of reasons to go vegan that have absolutely nothing to do with the suffering of animals, so if you are having a hard time finding compassion for farm animals, well, this documentary was meant for you then. This is all about health and the benefits of a plant-based diet versus a meat and dairy one.

This woman is an inspiration to me: click on the link below

70 yr old looks 30 - raw diet

She radiates with optimum health. I find it funny that there are many people that will knock down this way of eating, but they themselves cannot even begin to claim that kind of health status. I think she's onto something here and I'm definitely going to work towards this. This would be the ultimate accomplishment for me.

“Let food be thy medicine and medicine be thy food” - Hippocrates. This quote really resonates with me and constantly flashes in my mind when I'm in situations where people project how delicious their food is as if it is to somehow change my mind. I just keep my eye on the prize. Optimum health. A life-time of energy. A beautiful, healthy glow. Ultimate compassion. This is what I want, and if it means people bashing me for it, well, I'm not the first or the last person that will be bashed for thinking differently. History tells that story over and over, time and time again. 


Also, I have found that going vegan doesn't sacrifice flavor at all. There are SO MANY options out there for vegans it's not even funny!!! Mmm-mm-mmm.... deliciousness is everywhere. You just have to be creative. Frankly, the making of delicious health just excites me. Restaurants aren't even that fun anymore because there's so many fun recipes online for veggies and fruits that ya just will never see in a restaurant. 

I am excited to start blogging on vegan eating. We need more of us out there doing it to show that it's not impossible to eat like this. It gets easier.... I promise. You'll just have to take care of your appetite before you go out with friends and bring your own food to gatherings. So you'll be forced to cook and create in your kitchen. Fun, fun, fun!

2013 Holidays

I haven't written in a few months because I have been experiencing some mental and emotional blocks. Every time I would sit down to type, my mind would scramble and I could not concentrate. I did not know how to share what I was thinking or feeling. I did not know if I should even share what was on my mind, so I didn't. I just walked away from the computer. Then I would return and shut it off. The kind of thoughts and feelings I have had over the last few months are only to be discussed with people I trust, not shared on a site for just anyone to read.

Before I stroll along in the documentation of 2014 experiences, I want to write about the holidays of 2013! Unfortunately, I am having syncing problems with my phone to this mac so I can't upload the photos here. At least, not yet. Haven't figured out how to do that.

I was in Utah for Halloween visiting family. I went to a Haunted Forest with Ron, and my friend Broady with her husband. I was SCARED and screamed a lot. Everyone else found it entertaining and laughed at me the whole time except for me of course. I also hiked the beautiful American Fork Canyon with Ron for our four year anniversary. I also hiked another Canyon in Provo with Jessica. That was a crazy climb... next time, I'll be sure we have ROCK CLIMBING GEAR. I thought I was going to fall off the cliff and that would be the end of me.

Thanksgiving was at our Home! This was the first Thanksgiving in our new home and it was lovely. We served it potluck style, so everyone brought something so that it wasn't stressful or too much work for one person. We set up the garage with a table in it to put the food on, as well as some chairs so we could watch TV in there while other people watched football in the living room. I got to know Floyd and Bobby better (my brother-in-laws). I drank a delicious holiday cocktail freshly made by Chandra (sister-in-law). :) She and Lyle stayed in the guest room. Floyd and Chrystal stayed in the den. My favorite part of that weekend was when we all played JUST DANCE in the living room! Unforgettable.

Christmas was easy-going and laid back. Ron and I spent the day watching Christmas movies. Finally, we cooked a vegan dinner and had Pop over for it. I was disappointed with the white asparagus. It didn't roast well. It was still crunchy and stringy. Meh. I tried. Everything else was great. It was really nice to spend time with the family the last few months.

I got to watch Floyd open up for the Misfits! That was awesome! He was the best band there, and I'm not saying that just to say it. I wasn't very impressed with the Misfits and I didn't care too much for the bands after Floyd. I love to watch life performances. That is how you can really appreciate someone's music. It's more personal and it brings it to life. I can't always appreciate music on an iPod. There are some bands that I simply won't listen to on an iPod because they just can't be fully appreciated. For example, CocoRosie and concert pianists are two musicians that I need to see live, not listen to on my iPod. I CAN but just prefer not to. ;)

That was my last few months. Of course, with the inner struggle happening simultaneously, but I am just not sure how to express that quite yet.

Happy New Year! 2014 comes with some exciting new adventures for me!

Date Your Man

Working day shifts since school didn't work out has been great. I am dating my husband all over again. We have gone out on a whim to the movies, made dinner together, and have a lot more time to talk. The past few days have been especially romantic, and I have learned more about his childhood too. 

Tonight, we brought up the past on how we met and what we thought about each other in the beginning of our relationship. It rekindled that emotion of feeling special. We were reminded tonight why we fell in love in the first place. It's good to bring up the past - bad and good. You learn something new each time you do. The bad memories will help you to learn from mistakes or not do to someone else what was done to you. The good memories will make you happy and remind you what you have to be grateful for. 

I didn't think this was possible, but I feel like I am falling in love again with Ron in a different way. I did not realize how time together makes a tremendous impact on your relationship. We drifted apart for a little bit when I was going to school during the day, then working many late nights only to return home to a sleeping husband. He needs his rest for his early work days. Five years together now, and we have reached that point of understanding what our relationship needs to maintain itself. 

Time. Dates. Talks. Sex. 

Seems so obvious right? But it isn't. It is very easy to get caught up in the obligations of life with little regard to what is really important in your life. I have recently let my walls down completely, allowing myself to be vulnerable with Ron. Marriage is humbling. You cannot be selfish in it. You need to think about the other person as much as you think about yourself. If you want to be happy in it, you have to let things go, change your attitude sometimes, consider another perspective and choose battles wisely. Some things aren't even worth mentioning. For example, Ron has a tendency to overreact to little things. For instance, today, I reached for the Special K on the kitchen counter to scan the label so I could log it as my breakfast. He immediately snatched it from me and said, "Hey! Don't eat that! I just made us delicious, vegan tacos!" 

As silly as this was, there are two ways to respond to that. I could have gotten annoyed because he assumed I was going to eat Special K over his tacos and because he grabbed it out of my hand. OR I could just look at him and smile while I said, "My dear, I'm just going to scan the label for my breakfast I had today." What an amazing response I got in return, a simple, "Oh" as he returned the box to me and emphasized how much he wanted me to eat the tacos with a little kiss.

In the recent past, I might have reacted annoyed and expressed my dissatisfaction with his grabbing the box out of my hand along with his assumption I was passing on his tacos. But why? Simply, he was passionate about his tacos is all, and grabbing the box out of my hand was his way of defending his cooking. When you care about someone and how they feel, these little things will become just that... little things. Nothing worth getting annoyed about and starting an argument over. Why take away from a perfectly lovely evening that a man has put together for you? 

It is in these moments that I realize we are growing together. We are learning about each other. Things to get upset about should be important matters involving disrespect for one another. All that other stuff is just plain good for ya. Why? If you allow yourself to grow with someone else, you begin to see how much more patient you are than you were before. You begin to have more compassion than you did before. You start to realize that loving someone is a choice that you make, every day. Love builds trust, the kind of trust that is rarely experienced between two people. Love is what makes you beautiful.

Reality Hits

I am no longer eligible for financial aid since Ron and I together make "too much" now. Boy, they sure are getting tight with money. If we make too much then I understand the joke now about people saying, "Just have a kid. Then you'll get help." NO KIDDING... Why do those of us who make responsible choices in life get punished? If I was a single mama, I'd be gettin' all kinds of financial aid. This is a dead argument, but needed to be stated for venting purposes. I feel better already. Kinda.

Over the summer, I had to come to terms with the fact that I cannot be a full time student. I can't afford to live and go to school full time, so I will have to chip away at college even slower than I ever anticipated. This is going to be a life journey. Now that I know this, I wonder if a bachelors is even worth the investment at this point. An associate's degree might just be the only thing actually feasible. I'm going to make that my goal to get an associate's for now. It's attainable, the goal is reachable. Bachelors is goin' on the back burner. Not so confident about that anymore since financial aid is out of the question now.

People say, "Just take out loans." Umm... the subjects I enjoy studying are not worth the $50,000 loans.  I really have to sit here and assess the investment, which at the rate tuition rises every year, I am more doubtful about the value of higher education as time goes on, honestly. We have a house. That's a big debt that won't be squashed any time soon. I am likely to go through at least five more cars in my life time, add that debt to the list. I'm starting to think that getting back in the work force debt-free is the smart way to go. I'm not going to school for super high paying careers, so, I need to be reasonable with debt.

Getting older for me has given me more confidence in my decisions and to do what I feel is best for me regardless of what everyone else thinks. There are many who will judge me, and will even look down on me if I don't get a bachelors degree. I have realized though that these are not people I want around me. If people are going to place my value based on what a piece of paper says about me, then good ridden to prestige. I don't welcome that into my world, ever.

I'm going to enjoy life, and that is a choice we have to make on our own because as much as we think we control life... we really don't. So roll with the punches I say... make that lemonade from those lemons life throws at ya and drink that delicious glass. Besides, what is life about? Family, friends and good food. If you have the 3 F's in life, then that's a darn good life. ;-)

People

I know it's not good to fester in hate, but man. I'm really beginning to dislike people each day that goes by. Thankfully, this is my healthy outlet to vent and release frustration. Some customers out there are the unhappiest people I know. If you can condescend on a smiling, hard worker because you think they are worthless or whatever, your life is full of pretentious crap. Dealing with people like this takes an abnormal amount of patience and confidence in yourself to know that this person is just part of your paycheck, but at the same time, I feel like I betray myself when I allow people to talk down to me. It's enabling that behavior. I wish to be a customer one day who catches another customer acting rude so I can put them in their place. I crave that.

There was a scene in True Blood I watched a few weeks ago, in which the werewolf pack leader is talking to his dad about being a loner wolf. The dad says to his son that the pack life isn't for us, you will soon see that.

I internalized that deeply because it hit home with me. I feel the same way about people. Not only do I deal with crappy people on a daily basis, but I also notice that social circles are things I avoid. I don't enjoy hanging out in groups of people because people behave strangely when they're in a group. Someone wants to prove him/herself, one needs attention, another will compete for the attention. I have just noticed that people act differently when in a group. The last time I hung out with a "group" was in middle school. Even in high school, I did not have a group I belonged to. The loner wolf mentality began in high school in which I was friends with different people from different "groups." I never fit into a group now that I think of it.

I am content with being the loner wolf. It's peaceful and keeps drama out of my life. For many years, I believed something was wrong with me because I never seemed to fit the standards of any group or congregation. Now, I don't care and see that all the friends I have are people actually worth your time. It's not quantity, it's quality of friendship that matters to me. Hanging out with friends one on one is always more fulfilling anyway because you can connect with the person on a personal level.

On another note of people sucking, I am disappointed to find out that Life Group is stuck in the Old Testament, and preaches tithing, exactly 10%. I guess I should not be surprised. When something sounds too good to be true, it often is, and it proved true in Life Group. It amazes me how many congregations miss the principles of the New Testament, tithing is one of them. "God loves a cheerful giver," 2 Corinthians 9.

6Now this I say, he who sows sparingly will also reap sparingly, and he who sows bountifully will also reap bountifully.7Each one must do just as he has purposed in his heart, not grudgingly or under compulsion, for God loves a cheerful giver.

It's just me and the New Testament these days. I'm gonna have to press the pause button on looking for Christian fellowship for now. Perhaps, it is a sign that I should study alone so I can have a firm grasp on what scripture says before settling into any type of fellowship. PLUS, I still do not label myself Christian for I still question if Jesus was born of a virgin and if he is a Savior...

Once again, I believe in God because the principles of the Bible feel true in my heart. But all the supernatural stuff of it doesn't sink in my brain with confidence that I can go around claiming I am a Christian. I'm a "Christ follower" without the Christian title. I really do talk the talk and walk the walk of a loner wolf.

I cannot be labeled. I do not fit in with groups of people, and I am starting to enjoy it. It just makes me more self-sufficient. I don't need to fit in to have a relationship with God. If I've learned anything by stepping away from religion, it is just that. You can have a relationship with God. You don't need a label, and you do not need to be part of a congregation.

You are loved just the way you are.