Writing here is a safe way for me to sort out the heavy things in my mind, process it, then understand and deal with it. I have had plenty on my mind lately. I dislike humans. I think we are a destructive species inhabiting this planet. We are destroying it, slowly, but surely. It bothers me. I do not know what to do about it. I feel powerless. What can I do?
Trees are being torn down in the Amazon at a rate faster than those trees can ever be replaced. There are tropical, healing fruits and plants that reside in this beautiful jungle that I see one day will just be gone. The Lorax has such a sweet, innocent way of telling us how it is. But this is not an animation. This is real. And the Indians in the forests are falling into extinction. I believe the proper word for this is genocide. I wish I could protect them. But even my pathetic $5 donations to organizations that work to defend the forest and it's native people can't save them because of the evil, powerful destructive force that persistently kills diversity and culture in disagreeance with western civilization.
The Navy will be performing tests in the oceans with powerful weapons that will destroy thousands of ocean creatures. The good guys are taking them to court, but why does anyone need to hear a case like that? Shouldn't everyone care enough about our planet that safety precautions would automatically be taken so that the ocean doesn't get disrupted negatively? Why must the government need to hear a case and consider what the right thing is to do? Who has the control in this situation and why do they have such little respect for life?
Why must millions of orphans grow up without families? Why are millions of orphanages without education and opportunities? It is estimated that there are around 153 million orphans world wide. That is 153 million adults that will not have the skills to get through life or even know how to interact with people. How can we just ignore 153 million human lives? Women are forced to relinquish their kids because of living in poverty. This is wrong. No one should have to abandon their children because of financial reasons. How can human life be thrown away because of money?
If we want to be good people and have good things happen and to be happy, why are the bad people prevailing? Why are we not a united people? What is wrong with the human race? Why are we not taking care of each other? How did we get to be such a cruel species? And we actually believe we are above animals?
I am confused. I am not okay with all this and I just don't know what to do about it. The world is an overwhelming place for me and I am unsure how to thrive in it. I can only believe in so much psychology because they want to label and categorize all human emotions and behaviors. Many of them would say that I am depressed, but to that I will say, "Screw you." How is my empathy categorized as depression? How do my feelings for hurt humans and suffering creatures become a mental condition? If we all just smile and see the world so positively, then that is what makes me a happy, healthy person? I am supposed to ignore the problems of the world so that I can fit in and not offend people?
If caring about these things means I can't fit in, then I don't want to fit in with my kind. I would rather be alone. I would rather just not be a burden to anyone or a menace to society. I don't understand people. I can't relate to most, and maybe that's a good thing. But I am becoming more and more discouraged to meet new people because most of them don't care about world problems. I'm bored of people's conversations. I am tired of entertainment serving as a distraction from the world. I hate being bombarded with ads everywhere you go on the billboard, on commercials, on the internet, when you check your mail and random phone calls/voicemails. I have a problem with $. I am not motivated to make it anymore. I just don't care about the world's made up success anymore.
Have I trampled your thoughts enough? Have I burdened your load more? Do I sound like the most pessimistic person yet? Well, I don't care and I can't apologize for being tormented. My feelings are real. I have never been able to ignore the bad things because it eats away at my conscious when I do. My problem is not knowing how I can make a difference. I want to help, but I haven't figured out how to live my life for a purpose. That doesn't mean I don't do service projects (I just don't talk about my good deeds because I don't want to corrupt my sense of good to mankind). I don't believe in self-righteous bragging. I just don't know how to live a life that is 100% meaningful.
And boy, did it feel good to type all this out. A lot on my mind is an understatement. I'm dwelling and I need to release these thoughts. I need to make sense of them. I need to figure out how my life can be dedicated to saving the world one little problem at a time. Becauses things aren't okay and they never will be until poverty and evil die. The world is at war and I can't just hide from it anymore.
Yes, I can find joy. Yes, I can smile and laugh. I have good things in my life, but I want to fight for the others who don't. That is the burden I carry and cannot easily share with others.
Showing posts with label Analyze. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Analyze. Show all posts
Sunday, April 27, 2014
Wednesday, May 29, 2013
The Double Standard
I am aware of the double standard that exists between men and women, such as, a man can brag about how many girls he gets, but a woman can't or she's viewed as a whore. A social norm is that it's cool for girls to make out and be lesbians, but not for guys. It's more commonly accepted for a woman to be the caretaker, and for the man to support the family. However, I do not believe in these social codes at all. I despise them because it sets unrealistic expectations for people to meet such as a man feels that he needs to make more than his wife and a woman feels the need to be sexual to attract men.
Fortunately, the fact that women were always the caretakers and not encouraged to be in the workforce is becoming more of a historical crisis rather than a modern one as we move further into the future. Click here to delve deeper into the health problems that men can experience if they are not the breadwinners of their home. I just finished reading this and felt sad for men. Social norms are not always the best way of going about things if simple things like a woman making more money than her man is causing him health problems.
As far as girls making out to get attention from boys goes, that is just sad to me. It is sad because the girls obviously don't value themselves enough to know that those guys don't respect them. Not valuing yourself comes from low self-esteem. How do I know that? I struggled with this for many years. Also, these boys who encourage this behavior are pigs because they are showing no respect for these women. However, I don't want to spend too much time ranting about these seemingly unbreakable social codes because there is something more problematic than that to me because it directly effects me.
As a woman, I have noticed that smiling at a man means something different than smiling at a woman. I'm a naturally smiley person when I meet someone new. I'm friendly. That's always been me. Unfortunately, as I have gotten older, I have learned that smiling at a man can be interpreted far away from what my intentions are. For example, one of the managers I worked for in Pennsylvania was easy to get along with, and I always worked my hardest for him because he was level-headed and fair. I was 20 years old at the time, and he was easily in his 50's. He got the wrong idea about me, and one day made the bold move of asking me to come over and have some beers before he moved out of state to work at another hotel.
This isn't an isolated incidence either of where my smiley nature has given guys the wrong impression. Here's where my confusion lies - I treat women just the same as I treat men. I smile, I talk, I ask questions and I show a general interest in the welfare of that person. The gender does not stop me from being me. But for some reason, it has a tendency to rub off as flirtatious to some people. No man has said this to me, but given the way some of them react to me, I sniff trouble. Since I've been married, I find myself being extra cautious about how I approach guys and I try not to be "too smiley." Unfortunately, I feel awkward around guys because I don't want to look them in the eyes for longer than two seconds, and I certainly do not want to touch them via a pat on the shoulder, a dab with the elbow or any other playful gesture that is considered harmless.
So I ask myself, what is the reason for all this? I cannot control how people respond to me, but I can control how I act, which is what I am doing. But I cannot control how someone else feels, and sometimes, just being my nice self must be masked. I now feel like when I approach the opposite sex, I have to perform a two second eye contact move and a quick smile followed up with a professional "hello" and not engage in conversation for too long. That feels really awkward to me like I'm hiding something, and rightfully so. I am hiding something, my true self! See where the insecurities come into play? If you have to hide yourself, you're going to feel insecure and project it somehow whether it's negative, positive or just plain awkward.
I spoke about this with a friend and she agrees. The big question here is, why does a smile to a man mean something different than a smile to a woman?
I can't figure it out.
Fortunately, the fact that women were always the caretakers and not encouraged to be in the workforce is becoming more of a historical crisis rather than a modern one as we move further into the future. Click here to delve deeper into the health problems that men can experience if they are not the breadwinners of their home. I just finished reading this and felt sad for men. Social norms are not always the best way of going about things if simple things like a woman making more money than her man is causing him health problems.
As far as girls making out to get attention from boys goes, that is just sad to me. It is sad because the girls obviously don't value themselves enough to know that those guys don't respect them. Not valuing yourself comes from low self-esteem. How do I know that? I struggled with this for many years. Also, these boys who encourage this behavior are pigs because they are showing no respect for these women. However, I don't want to spend too much time ranting about these seemingly unbreakable social codes because there is something more problematic than that to me because it directly effects me.
As a woman, I have noticed that smiling at a man means something different than smiling at a woman. I'm a naturally smiley person when I meet someone new. I'm friendly. That's always been me. Unfortunately, as I have gotten older, I have learned that smiling at a man can be interpreted far away from what my intentions are. For example, one of the managers I worked for in Pennsylvania was easy to get along with, and I always worked my hardest for him because he was level-headed and fair. I was 20 years old at the time, and he was easily in his 50's. He got the wrong idea about me, and one day made the bold move of asking me to come over and have some beers before he moved out of state to work at another hotel.
This isn't an isolated incidence either of where my smiley nature has given guys the wrong impression. Here's where my confusion lies - I treat women just the same as I treat men. I smile, I talk, I ask questions and I show a general interest in the welfare of that person. The gender does not stop me from being me. But for some reason, it has a tendency to rub off as flirtatious to some people. No man has said this to me, but given the way some of them react to me, I sniff trouble. Since I've been married, I find myself being extra cautious about how I approach guys and I try not to be "too smiley." Unfortunately, I feel awkward around guys because I don't want to look them in the eyes for longer than two seconds, and I certainly do not want to touch them via a pat on the shoulder, a dab with the elbow or any other playful gesture that is considered harmless.
So I ask myself, what is the reason for all this? I cannot control how people respond to me, but I can control how I act, which is what I am doing. But I cannot control how someone else feels, and sometimes, just being my nice self must be masked. I now feel like when I approach the opposite sex, I have to perform a two second eye contact move and a quick smile followed up with a professional "hello" and not engage in conversation for too long. That feels really awkward to me like I'm hiding something, and rightfully so. I am hiding something, my true self! See where the insecurities come into play? If you have to hide yourself, you're going to feel insecure and project it somehow whether it's negative, positive or just plain awkward.
I spoke about this with a friend and she agrees. The big question here is, why does a smile to a man mean something different than a smile to a woman?
I can't figure it out.
Monday, December 3, 2012
Racial Profiling
Even in San Diego, I cannot escape the implicit expectation that I should act or talk like a hispanic. I remember Hershey, PA like it was yesterday. I attended a nearly pure caucasian high school. I thought those days were over when people were telling me how white washed I am. Nope.
Here I am in a multicultural city with more people stating the same thing. The way I learned to speak is influenced by my environment. I grew up in an educated town with a white family. Not... my... fault. This is how I speak and I am proud to speak proper English. It annoyed me yesterday when this girl told me, "You sound too white." Well, you sound too ghetto.
First of all, I resent this idea that people speak too white. That implies that anyone with brown skin who speaks properly is automatically tainted by light skin color. "Speaking too white" is stated as if it is an undesirable trait. How long ago was the civil war? I thought we were past this. Apparently, we now implicitly stereotype people's behavior and their speech by their ethnicity. Hundreds of years later with equal rights, women's rights, and blended culture being an active part of our lives now, there still remains an expectation that we should all be influenced by our ancestral roots.
I realize people are going to think what they want and say stupid things all the time. I cannot change that. "You can only change yourself," says a famous philosopher I do not know. However, the problem here is not that I am unaware of myself. The problem is that people expect me to be different, and sometimes want me to be different. Perhaps, I should be used to this considering my family dynamic growing up. They always wanted me to be something I wasn't, and it isn't any different these days with some people. I don't feel at this point in my life that it is worth fighting ignorance, but that doesn't mean I cannot express my frustration with these kind of comments. It is annoying, not hurtful, rather frustrating to hear. At 26 years old, it has been ten years of hearing these comments from random or not so random people so of course I am going to huff, puff, and roll my eyes. I think I am justified in venting out my frustration with ignorant people. Otherwise, it bottles up and then I blow up on the next person to say that. Blogging about it here releases that negative pent up energy and allows me to ignore it in a healthy way.
On a positive note, it is these experiences that open my mind up to the way people develop. If I hear a white boy sounding black, I never assume he is acting. Just outside of my hometown is the city of Harrisburg, the capital of Pennsylvania where just about half the people you see are black. The white girls that attend the schools with many blacks speak and dress differently from the white girls I went to school with in a small town. I have never once told a white girl that she sounds too black. If her friends are black and her community is black, that doesn't mean she is sounding like a black girl. It means that we are all influenced by the subculture in our environments. What we are exposed to is what we likely become. Education does not mean white, and ghetto does not mean black. Therefore, sounding like a white or black girl are stereotypes. They are unfair claims to the person we are categorizing. The perception that ghetto, hip hop, and ebonics are reserved for blacks, brown colored people probably speak Spanish, and white people are educated and proper are outdated. Turn off the TV and read something informative.
I am a Brazilian girl who moved here when I was three years old and grew up in a disgustingly wealthy caucasian, small town. Of course, I am going to speak proper English. If you went to school in the United States from kindergarten to twelfth grade like me, you should speak well too. It doesn't matter if you are black, indian, white, asian or hispanic. If I sound too white because I speak and write well, I am not going to apologize for paying attention in class and reading books. Speaking and writing well are valuable skills. I am proud to have them, not sorry for it one bit.
Here I am in a multicultural city with more people stating the same thing. The way I learned to speak is influenced by my environment. I grew up in an educated town with a white family. Not... my... fault. This is how I speak and I am proud to speak proper English. It annoyed me yesterday when this girl told me, "You sound too white." Well, you sound too ghetto.
First of all, I resent this idea that people speak too white. That implies that anyone with brown skin who speaks properly is automatically tainted by light skin color. "Speaking too white" is stated as if it is an undesirable trait. How long ago was the civil war? I thought we were past this. Apparently, we now implicitly stereotype people's behavior and their speech by their ethnicity. Hundreds of years later with equal rights, women's rights, and blended culture being an active part of our lives now, there still remains an expectation that we should all be influenced by our ancestral roots.
I realize people are going to think what they want and say stupid things all the time. I cannot change that. "You can only change yourself," says a famous philosopher I do not know. However, the problem here is not that I am unaware of myself. The problem is that people expect me to be different, and sometimes want me to be different. Perhaps, I should be used to this considering my family dynamic growing up. They always wanted me to be something I wasn't, and it isn't any different these days with some people. I don't feel at this point in my life that it is worth fighting ignorance, but that doesn't mean I cannot express my frustration with these kind of comments. It is annoying, not hurtful, rather frustrating to hear. At 26 years old, it has been ten years of hearing these comments from random or not so random people so of course I am going to huff, puff, and roll my eyes. I think I am justified in venting out my frustration with ignorant people. Otherwise, it bottles up and then I blow up on the next person to say that. Blogging about it here releases that negative pent up energy and allows me to ignore it in a healthy way.
On a positive note, it is these experiences that open my mind up to the way people develop. If I hear a white boy sounding black, I never assume he is acting. Just outside of my hometown is the city of Harrisburg, the capital of Pennsylvania where just about half the people you see are black. The white girls that attend the schools with many blacks speak and dress differently from the white girls I went to school with in a small town. I have never once told a white girl that she sounds too black. If her friends are black and her community is black, that doesn't mean she is sounding like a black girl. It means that we are all influenced by the subculture in our environments. What we are exposed to is what we likely become. Education does not mean white, and ghetto does not mean black. Therefore, sounding like a white or black girl are stereotypes. They are unfair claims to the person we are categorizing. The perception that ghetto, hip hop, and ebonics are reserved for blacks, brown colored people probably speak Spanish, and white people are educated and proper are outdated. Turn off the TV and read something informative.
I am a Brazilian girl who moved here when I was three years old and grew up in a disgustingly wealthy caucasian, small town. Of course, I am going to speak proper English. If you went to school in the United States from kindergarten to twelfth grade like me, you should speak well too. It doesn't matter if you are black, indian, white, asian or hispanic. If I sound too white because I speak and write well, I am not going to apologize for paying attention in class and reading books. Speaking and writing well are valuable skills. I am proud to have them, not sorry for it one bit.
Sunday, July 22, 2012
Self Reflection
I am starting to stray further and further away from Christianity. This realization has been developing over the last several months. I am rejecting the biblical explaination of creation now and have recently been able to put to rest my guilt of not understanding "the plan." I have finally come to the conclusion that if I can't make sense of religion, perhaps it just doesn't make sense at all. And I rest my case.
It has been comforting to have good friends who are non-religious that I see are good, honest people. I am not saying religious people aren't. I am simply saying it has been a true comfort to have friends that are not religious who are happy people too. It is what made me realize that I don't have to believe in the biblical explaination of the Creator to be happy or true to myself. It's been a lot easier now to get through life without the burden of never living up to the expectations of church, any church. This doesn't mean I don't have morals or standards. It means that I choose not to follow anyone's lead on how I should think, act or talk. I make those decisions for myself and I choose to be good because I want to be. At the same time, I have accepted I am not perfect and if there is heaven after this life, whoever God is will know my heart and intentions. That thought no longer makes me worry. It's funny how I worried more when I was attending church. Now I feel less stressed about my future because I don't need to overanalyze my beliefs or differences from others beliefs anymore.
My world view is completely different. Any teaching that brings a good feeling of honesty, optimism, wisdom or strength are values I hold dearly. That can be from any person, place or thing. A lot of my peace is coming from being outside and listening to birds chirp, watching squirrels play, watching the wind blow the palm tree leaves slowly, hearing the ocean, admiring nature in general. I am no longer upset for not understanding who created the earth or how it was done. That stuff just doesn't matter to me anymore because I will never get a solid, black and white answer that everyone can agree on. What does matter is how I feel about it and how I interpret this world because that directly effects me. Admiring nature and appreciating the beauty of it has taught me quite a few lessons that I would never have learned in a church or group setting. Much of what I learn is when I am alone in self-reflection outside where it is quiet and I can get lost in the universe.
An interesting thing happened to me several weeks ago that I consider very spiritual but I want to document this here because it is something I always wish to remember. This year was such a struggle for me and I was having a very hard time adapting to change. When I came up North in early June to visit friends, I attended a birthday party. A monarch butterfly was hovering over our picnic tables fluttering in circles from the time that I arrived until I had left. I didn't read into it much but thought that it was a beautiful touch to the day. The next day, I went to visit another friend of mine, and as I was in their yard reading, I saw another monarch butterfly fluttering by onto a nearby tree. It stayed there long enough for me to understand this was a message. I sat there for several minutes thinking about what a butterfly represents. It came very fast that butterflies represent change. It was at that moment, that I began to deeply reflect on change and how a butterfly is showing me that it isn't always bad. Nothing stays the same. Everything is moving, growing and evolving in some way. And then I came to the understanding that the beginning journey of a butterfly is rough at first. Times can be trying, but every phase is a segment in time. It will pass and I will turn the corner to another phase that will eventually bring me joy. I suddenly felt compelled to view the world as one big mess of a place that will also not be the same forever. I may not be able to change it, but I can still find joy. And it was in that thought that I gained the freedom of a butterfly.
It has been comforting to have good friends who are non-religious that I see are good, honest people. I am not saying religious people aren't. I am simply saying it has been a true comfort to have friends that are not religious who are happy people too. It is what made me realize that I don't have to believe in the biblical explaination of the Creator to be happy or true to myself. It's been a lot easier now to get through life without the burden of never living up to the expectations of church, any church. This doesn't mean I don't have morals or standards. It means that I choose not to follow anyone's lead on how I should think, act or talk. I make those decisions for myself and I choose to be good because I want to be. At the same time, I have accepted I am not perfect and if there is heaven after this life, whoever God is will know my heart and intentions. That thought no longer makes me worry. It's funny how I worried more when I was attending church. Now I feel less stressed about my future because I don't need to overanalyze my beliefs or differences from others beliefs anymore.
My world view is completely different. Any teaching that brings a good feeling of honesty, optimism, wisdom or strength are values I hold dearly. That can be from any person, place or thing. A lot of my peace is coming from being outside and listening to birds chirp, watching squirrels play, watching the wind blow the palm tree leaves slowly, hearing the ocean, admiring nature in general. I am no longer upset for not understanding who created the earth or how it was done. That stuff just doesn't matter to me anymore because I will never get a solid, black and white answer that everyone can agree on. What does matter is how I feel about it and how I interpret this world because that directly effects me. Admiring nature and appreciating the beauty of it has taught me quite a few lessons that I would never have learned in a church or group setting. Much of what I learn is when I am alone in self-reflection outside where it is quiet and I can get lost in the universe.
An interesting thing happened to me several weeks ago that I consider very spiritual but I want to document this here because it is something I always wish to remember. This year was such a struggle for me and I was having a very hard time adapting to change. When I came up North in early June to visit friends, I attended a birthday party. A monarch butterfly was hovering over our picnic tables fluttering in circles from the time that I arrived until I had left. I didn't read into it much but thought that it was a beautiful touch to the day. The next day, I went to visit another friend of mine, and as I was in their yard reading, I saw another monarch butterfly fluttering by onto a nearby tree. It stayed there long enough for me to understand this was a message. I sat there for several minutes thinking about what a butterfly represents. It came very fast that butterflies represent change. It was at that moment, that I began to deeply reflect on change and how a butterfly is showing me that it isn't always bad. Nothing stays the same. Everything is moving, growing and evolving in some way. And then I came to the understanding that the beginning journey of a butterfly is rough at first. Times can be trying, but every phase is a segment in time. It will pass and I will turn the corner to another phase that will eventually bring me joy. I suddenly felt compelled to view the world as one big mess of a place that will also not be the same forever. I may not be able to change it, but I can still find joy. And it was in that thought that I gained the freedom of a butterfly.
Tuesday, May 29, 2012
Summer Begins
What a roller coaster ride this year has been. I realize life is nothing but a roller coaster but I think I hit one of the crazy high up and down parts of the ride in 2012. The beginning of our move here was nothing but excitement and the hype of being in Southern California had me at an all time high, the peak of the roller coaster. I didn't anticipate the dramatic effect of spiraling back down that same ride so quickly. This was supposed to be a great change in our lives together. But this hasn't been an easy year for me. There are too many negative experiences I had this year that ended up stressing me out and pushed me into depression. Boy this move to San Diego was a much more difficult adjustment than any other move I have made. I changed my entire life. We came here because we felt it would be great to be closer to Ron's family and friends. I was willing to make the jump and sacrifice what I built in San Jose. But since we've arrived, we have seen his friends once or twice this entire year. Some of the other ones, I have seen a few more times than that. Being closer to family also doesn't seem to be as special as I felt it would. That may sound bad in some way but it is simply the way it is.
The reality has set in with this whole move. Having to make new friends this time around has been difficult. I haven't really built that connection that I have with the friends I made in San Jose with the people here. I am hanging out with people my age now so that's a huge difference from my past. However, I am on a completely different planet than most of them. I developed differently from what most people experience growing up. As a result, I can't relate very well to a lot of people my age. The only thing that creates some type of bond is the need for me to socialize and have fun so I let my hair down, go drinking and dancing occasionally. Still, it doesn't fill the void from the true friendship absence for the past year.
One step in a positive direction from all this is that it has forced me to focus on myself entirely. I still haven't established myself and have been avoiding for the longest time what I want to do with my life. Being alone here has forced me to look in the mirror and discover what's missing. That got me back into school again. I got side tracked from my goal of completing an education when we moved. I didn't have a job right away which inevitably meant I did not have money to pay for school when the semester began. Finally, I did get a job and was able to pay for the next semester. It seems like I'm getting back on track and actually going somewhere with my life now. Ron is tutoring me in math so I can test into algebra. If I can successfully freshen up my math skills and test into algebra, then I am on a one year track to San Marcos State University. I didn't even realize I was that close. But with that will come another difficult year ahead of me. Ron and I are going to be financially strapped a bit while I take on the next 2 semesters as a full time student to speed up the process. I learned the hard way that I can struggle with these unfulfilling jobs for the rest of my life or I can struggle for a few more years and then have a career that I will be fulfilled with. I don't want to view work as a job anymore. To me, a job is something I don't want to do. And that's what all of my past jobs became eventually. 8 years of customer service is what has made me resent people as I tend to see them in their most impatient state of being. Serving people for money is modern day slavery. Enough is enough.
I am a simple girl for the most part and honestly don't need the luxurious life style to be happy. I've been living humble since I moved out at 18 with dead end jobs as the rest of the world would say. I convinced myself that I could be happy living a humble life and yes, that is still true today. But I realized along the way that I cannot be happy performing jobs that make me feel inadequate by being treated as a number. I haven't been valued at any of my jobs and so how can you be happy if you feel replaceable? Of course they can always find someone else for any position, but I would at least like to feel that I am making a difference in some way. And that's when I realized I was going to have to conform to society in the ways of obtaining an education. There's no way around it. I just have to do it since that is what employers value. I have a different attitude about it now. School is no longer a hassle to me like it was when I was in high school. I'm approaching it with a positive attitude and I'm liking what I learn. I'm gaining knowledge and I crave more of it. Definitely the right approach to school.
Finally, I think I have a major in mind that I would be happy with and can do great things with. Psychology! I think I'd be a great therapist. I care about people, how they feel and naturally want to make them feel better or be there for them when they're down! Yes I realize this involves a masters degree and PhD. Regardless, it's a subject I enjoy learning about and I'll take it one step at a time from here. A bachelors in psychology is absolutely an attainable goal. We'll see where I am once I'm there. As I have been snapping out of depression through the development of this new habit of mine called exercise, I have started to care more about my life. I am now looking into the future, not just the present anymore. That's when it dawned on me that I need to stop with the quick fixes. I saw culinary school as a way to be done with school fast and begin working quicker doing something I like. But ten years down the road, would I be fulfilled? I had doubts about that. Exercise has taught me discipline and I am going to apply that same discipline in my educational goals. If you want results that you can be proud of, you can't cheat time. Becoming a therapist will certainly take time, but again, looking into my future, I will not be fulfilled if I don't allow time to take me where I should be. No more thoughts of "I can't do that." Yes I can.
The reality has set in with this whole move. Having to make new friends this time around has been difficult. I haven't really built that connection that I have with the friends I made in San Jose with the people here. I am hanging out with people my age now so that's a huge difference from my past. However, I am on a completely different planet than most of them. I developed differently from what most people experience growing up. As a result, I can't relate very well to a lot of people my age. The only thing that creates some type of bond is the need for me to socialize and have fun so I let my hair down, go drinking and dancing occasionally. Still, it doesn't fill the void from the true friendship absence for the past year.
One step in a positive direction from all this is that it has forced me to focus on myself entirely. I still haven't established myself and have been avoiding for the longest time what I want to do with my life. Being alone here has forced me to look in the mirror and discover what's missing. That got me back into school again. I got side tracked from my goal of completing an education when we moved. I didn't have a job right away which inevitably meant I did not have money to pay for school when the semester began. Finally, I did get a job and was able to pay for the next semester. It seems like I'm getting back on track and actually going somewhere with my life now. Ron is tutoring me in math so I can test into algebra. If I can successfully freshen up my math skills and test into algebra, then I am on a one year track to San Marcos State University. I didn't even realize I was that close. But with that will come another difficult year ahead of me. Ron and I are going to be financially strapped a bit while I take on the next 2 semesters as a full time student to speed up the process. I learned the hard way that I can struggle with these unfulfilling jobs for the rest of my life or I can struggle for a few more years and then have a career that I will be fulfilled with. I don't want to view work as a job anymore. To me, a job is something I don't want to do. And that's what all of my past jobs became eventually. 8 years of customer service is what has made me resent people as I tend to see them in their most impatient state of being. Serving people for money is modern day slavery. Enough is enough.
I am a simple girl for the most part and honestly don't need the luxurious life style to be happy. I've been living humble since I moved out at 18 with dead end jobs as the rest of the world would say. I convinced myself that I could be happy living a humble life and yes, that is still true today. But I realized along the way that I cannot be happy performing jobs that make me feel inadequate by being treated as a number. I haven't been valued at any of my jobs and so how can you be happy if you feel replaceable? Of course they can always find someone else for any position, but I would at least like to feel that I am making a difference in some way. And that's when I realized I was going to have to conform to society in the ways of obtaining an education. There's no way around it. I just have to do it since that is what employers value. I have a different attitude about it now. School is no longer a hassle to me like it was when I was in high school. I'm approaching it with a positive attitude and I'm liking what I learn. I'm gaining knowledge and I crave more of it. Definitely the right approach to school.
Finally, I think I have a major in mind that I would be happy with and can do great things with. Psychology! I think I'd be a great therapist. I care about people, how they feel and naturally want to make them feel better or be there for them when they're down! Yes I realize this involves a masters degree and PhD. Regardless, it's a subject I enjoy learning about and I'll take it one step at a time from here. A bachelors in psychology is absolutely an attainable goal. We'll see where I am once I'm there. As I have been snapping out of depression through the development of this new habit of mine called exercise, I have started to care more about my life. I am now looking into the future, not just the present anymore. That's when it dawned on me that I need to stop with the quick fixes. I saw culinary school as a way to be done with school fast and begin working quicker doing something I like. But ten years down the road, would I be fulfilled? I had doubts about that. Exercise has taught me discipline and I am going to apply that same discipline in my educational goals. If you want results that you can be proud of, you can't cheat time. Becoming a therapist will certainly take time, but again, looking into my future, I will not be fulfilled if I don't allow time to take me where I should be. No more thoughts of "I can't do that." Yes I can.
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