Best Friend

I am banishing myself from using the phrase, "This is my best friend." I am doing so because I realize how that can make other people feel who care about you and love you a lot. I notice how it makes me feel when good friends use the phrase, and it has a way of making me feel like I am not as much of a priority as their best friend is. It also makes me feel like I am not qualified to be a "bestie" on their list, or just that I am inferior in some way to their "best friend." It is as if I have failed in some way to be so privileged as to be considered a best friend. Takes me back to days of the play ground, which, I might add, is childish. 

Now that I realize how childish it is to use the term "best friend," I decided that I should not use that phrase either. Why? Relationships evolve and we are never the same with someone as we were yesterday. A best friend puts expectations on another person, which is not healthy either. A best friend suggests to me that there is an insecurity in this person using this term for someone else because it implies neediness. It has a way of sounding like this person who is your best friend is your territory, and cannot be shared with anyone else. I'm leaving this crap back at the play ground where it belongs.

I have several great friends! I know awesome people. I love many people. Many friends love me. I have different, unique and equally great friends among the people in my life. Some I have known for many years of my life, others have entered into my life in my early adulthood. That's okay too. The friends who have entered later have been there for me in times that my childhood friends could not. My childhood friends have helped shape who I am today because of the times they have been there for me as a child that I will never forget.

And it is up to me to keep good relations with people I love and care about. I treat them all equally. I have needed them all for different reasons, and they have all served a purpose in my life that makes them just as important as another friend dear to my heart. I will not call anyone a best friend, except for my husband, ;-) which is completely appropriate. After all, is he not my biggest fan? He married me so a spouse for a best friend is a more appropriate term if it will be used at all. 

I love all my friends. I don't want any of them to feel lesser than someone else in my life. Love them all!

Mothers Day

Happy?...Mothers Day.

Hm.

I have some mixed feelings about this. I didn't even remember it was Mother's Day until Art called and asked what Ron and I had planned for the day. So I called and said, "Happy Mothers Day" simply because I am trying to move forward and forget the past. It was a hard phone call to make that brought up some bitter feelings. I'm not angry anymore. I've let the anger go, but the bitterness is still there. The wound has turned into a scab, and it is quite itchy. So yes, I am still bothered by things from the past that happened between us because there has never been a real discussion about it to help me get closure from really bad decisions that were made on both ends. So by me making that phone call every year, I'm attempting to barry the hatch and forget about talking about any of it. But it is a very difficult thing for me to do. I feel phony when I'm calling to say, "Happy Mothers Day!" because I have some raw emotions that don't feel happy to say that. Even sadder, I have to force myself to say, "I love you" back.

Obviously, I won't go into details here about our relationship because I should not embarrass my mother like that. But that should tell you something... our relationship was that bad that I can't even write about it here for anyone else to read.

To put it mildly, I left home feeling inadequate, insecure, threatened by others, and just plain old not good enough for anyone or anything. I felt like a human being undeserving of life. There was an era in my childhood where I prayed for death to find me. I've never heard of anyone praying to God to die except Jesus when he was on the cross when he could not hold on any longer. That makes me realize how serious those emotions are and what I went through at that time would obviously take years to repair those emotions.

Fast forward nine years into the future, here I am today. I've been breaking down those walls little by little and am chipping away slowly into being myself and being okay with who I am. Now I accept myself, and I am more honest in my thoughts, and allow myself to be a human being. I accept my imperfections, but look for opportunities to be better. I try to capitalize on any moment that takes me a step further away from the past. Nine years of that, you can bet I am very different from back then.

It made me smile the other day when a co-worker of mine said behind my back (in a good way) to another co-worker, "Don't ask Ana that. She would never do drugs."

If I'm giving off that vibe to people, I really have turned a new leaf. Perhaps, that was the positive reinforcement I needed to see that I am progressing. I am getting further away from the darkness that resides in me.

Of course, my dark sense of humor chuckles on the inside, "You really don't know me then do you." ;-)

Grateful

Today, I am thinking about everything I am grateful for in my life.

Jessica and I were talking about Ron, marriage and dating. My family loves him. Jessica even made an announcement last night to talk about how much she appreciates him being in the family. It made me think about all the great qualities he has, and how lucky I am to have such a great man. His loyalty, integrity, selflessness and giving character are noble characteristics that are hard to come by. I feel so proud to have made the decision to marry him. He is marriage material and I knew it from day one. It is still true to this day. I followed my gut and I am happy I did.

I am really grateful to have a house. Never in my wildest imagination did I think I could have a house. I have a place for friends and family to stay and visit. It is so nice to be able to host for people I love and care about. I didn't see that coming so soon in my life, but it did. I am so lucky.

I have pets that I love and adore. They bring a lot of joy into my life and they too are grateful for me. I can tell by the way they behave and respond to our discipline. They like to follow me around the house too.

I am really enjoying my job. I work with some great people and my managers are easy to get along with. For once, my work environment is stable, secure and has its fun days. I couldn't ask for anything more. I've gone through so many terrible managers, awful people and loads of drama. It is a huge relief to be in a work environment where I am comfortable and don't mind going to work. Plus, I just recently got a raise and am continuing to move up the ranks. I see a future here for myself.

I am going to college. Even though it's hard right now and I'm struggling through it, I have the privilege to go to college and learn. I love how our campus organizes events for students to help us in as many ways as they can. I'm thankful for financial aid.

I am happy to have a great, reliable car. Even though filling it up with gas sucks some money out of your wallet, at least I can manage and get to where I need to go.

Having a husband, a house, a car, pets, a good job and the opportunity to go to school are all privileges.

I am living a privileged life.

There is much to be happy about and I wanted to acknowledge that again so I never forget.

What is Success?

As I get older, I see that the meaning of success is something different to everyone. There is a popular meaning of success, which is that you graduated from college, acquired a good paying job with benefits that allows you to buy a house, drive a good car, get married, have a family, living a comfortable or wealthy life style. That seems to be the most accepted meaning of success in this modern era. I keep thinking about what success really means though, and to me, it isn't about the job, the degree, the house, or the car. Let me explain that I think it is important to work, learn and be informed, as well as having transportation as it simply makes your life a lot easier to live. However, I do not believe those things determine success. For me, success is about my relationships with people as well as asking myself the following questions: Do I try to be honest? Do I try to do good to others? Do I try to be selfless sometimes? Do I try to be humble? Can I at least say that I try to be good? Can I admit when I am wrong? Do I try to be a better person? Do I learn from my mistakes? Am I willing to apologize when I hurt someone else? Am I honest with myself about my feelings? Do I self-reflect? 

I can honestly say that I try to say yes to these questions every day, and that is what determines success in my life. When I am on my death bed, I want to be remembered for being kind, thoughtful and caring to other people, not just myself. I want friends and family to remember me as someone who sacrificed things to help others at times, and also as a person who reached out to other people. That, to me, is a life worth living. To lie on my death bed with family and friends' memories of me are about striving after the material things in this world would truly be a sad way to leave this life. After all, you will live on in the memories of others. It would be a shame to be remembered as someone that was selfish, arrogant, and pretentious. I actually want to be missed, and not become a figment of their imagination. 

Living in Southern California, I have met a lot more selfish, arrogant, and pretentious people more than anywhere I have ever lived. The reason why this is so is because the cost of living here is higher than most states, resulting in richer people who raise kids that develop high standards of living along with a sense of entitlement. Evidently, these kids have no idea what real struggles are, only read about them in college books about other cultures and upbringings. Even then, it does not humble them very much. I have started to become immune to this, in the sense that it isn't eating me up like it used to. Instead, I am able to deflect the nonsense and have no expectations of people anymore, which is a rather good thing. I didn't realize I had expectations from people until I moved here. There is a reason for everything after all.

At the end of my day now, I actually feel sorry for some of the people out here. They are dominated by the desires of our pop culture, but no one has taught them differently. It makes me really happy not to fit in with this way of thinking. That is a major reason why I am at peace with myself. While many people are suffering from anxiety and stress, I am relaxed and calm in the middle of this storm of a city. Take a look around in nature, no other creatures are stressing out the way humans do. I learn so much from that. I refuse to be pushed around by societal expectations. I am my own person. I determine what success means, not celebrities, not politicians, not CEO's, not 4.0 students, not anyone. My friends and family's attitude towards me is what tells me if I am the type of person I respect and admire. 

"I do not think the measure of a civilization is how tall its buildings of concrete are, but rather how well its people have learned to relate to their environment and fellow man."

-Sun Bear of the Chippewa Tribe 

The Return to Facebook

*Star Wars Theme Begins*

Ah, yes. I did return... kind of. I decided to share my husband's account, rather than having my own. I prefer it this way, that way I don't have to deal with drama!

I already discussed in a previous post why I got rid of Facebook, so I do not want to rehash that in this post. I started logging into his account to get the scoop on our mutual friends and family. However, everyone thinks he is responding, and I know he doesn't like people thinking it's him when it's me. So we agreed that sharing is convenient for us and everyone else. :) I think Facebook will be much better this time around. Sharing an account as a married couple is a really good thing for us! I am happy about this decision, and so is Ron, since people are no longer being fooled about his presence on there.

However, if people my age had the common courtesy to respect other's privacy, I would not have had to get rid of my Facebook in the first place. Because Ron is much older than me, his generation of friends did not grow up with the internet integrated into their every day lives. As a result, quite a few of his friends share accounts with their significant others, and they only post pictures and updates about themselves. They do not post pictures of their friends without their permission first, and they do not tag their friends names when they are hanging out with them because it is understood by all of them that it is an invasion of privacy. I think Ron's friends need to hold a Facebook Etiquette Seminar to all the adults my age and the upcoming children rising with social sites. Technology is moving so fast that we cannot socially adapt to it as fast. We need help, and we need it now. Social sites require responsible users!

These same people tend to also be the people who abuse their smart phones. Smart phone abusers disrespect the friends and family they are with while in their presence. For example, I have been out to dinner with a friend whose eyes were glued to the phone every couple of minutes through out the entire dinner because she was checking her Facebook comments and responding to them. It was not only annoying, but it felt like a complete waste of my time to be out with someone who basically treated me like a prop on the wall. I have a new table manner in order.

New Table Manner Effective Immediately: 

1. Do not text, call, or look at your phone while you are out at a nice dinner with someone. It is just as rude as eating with your mouth open and burping in someone's face. All these behaviors are distracting.

However, it is understandable that you may be waiting for a call or text from a child, spouse or you may also be waiting for an important email from your boss. I get that, but please establish that with your company so that they do not feel neglected or ignored. Let's make this a common courtesy please.

Thank you!

Giving

I'm in the library working on homework and a student next to me has never been in here before. Naturally, he ends up not having his student card which you must have to print out any documents. It only costs 10 cents a page. I had 80 cents remaining on my student card, so when he asked if he could print out his documents, I knew it would nearly wipe out my card. It really isn't a big deal to me so I didn't hesitate to say yes. He kindly loaded another dollar onto my card so I have $1.00 on it now, 20 cents more from when he borrowed it.

I was going to load the card tomorrow, so I would have enough to finish printing all my papers for the last two weeks of school. Even though it is the tiniest amount of money, I just thought it was interesting how I ended up with more by giving to someone who needed it. I didn't expect him to load the card, but it was definitely a nice gesture as he clearly appreciated the help from a stranger. These are the moments in life that I live for. He didn't have to reload my card, but he did which shows sincere gratitude on his part. By not expecting it, it made it that much more meaningful to me. With all the evil things that are happening in this world, the smallest act of kindness can be the reason you change your attitude that day.

Babies

They say the older you get, the more you'll think about having children. Very true. Over the course of several months, I have been giving thought to that. Some of my friends have started their families and many my age seem to have their families beginning as well. Unfortunately for women, we do have a biological clock ticking away at us. It will get to the point where it becomes risky if I don't choose to do this within the next 10 years. But ya know what? Why rush if you're not ready? I still don't feel ready.

I've heard over and over, "Well, it's never a perfect time to have kids." I've been stewing on that and realized that is true, but I think there are more favorable times to have kids than other times. I've been giving the family thing some serious thought because I am 25 and this is the prime age to have kids, but I just don't feel like it's for me. When I get down to thinking about it, I realize how much planning has to go into it and it's not a decision you'd want to make overnight. It also scares me that this is one commitment in your life that you can never escape- no matter what! If your husband beats you and cheats on you, you can leave. If your kid hits and disrespects you, gotta deal with it! The whole family thing is so scary to me. I've realized over the years that my negativity towards families definitely comes from my own personal negative experiences. I honestly felt like kids were a burden to their parents and it's definitely tainted my view on conceiving.

Not only that but it's all the physical crap women have to endure. Yuck. Yes. I am being both a wuss about the pain and shallow about what it does to our bodies. I admit it.

Do I really want another me walking around this earth? That would mean I have to be a role model. I never looked to my parents as role models. Happy children do. They have healthy relationships with their parents. I certainly did not, so I guess that contributes to my fear. Therefore, for me to feel like I was going to have a good, solid family, I would want to be a role model. That's a lot of pressure and quite frankly, I don't think I have any motivation to be someone's role model. This world has made it so complicated to have a family. It's expensive and everybody has to work. I personally don't believe in the stay at home thing. Gotta be realistic these days. Anything can happen. Look at all the lay offs and how many people lost their homes these last few years. I learned young through my parents mistake, it's not a smart idea to depend on someone to take care of you. We all think we're safe, but realistically, anything can happen to anyone of us. No one is invisible to harm or danger.

Strange how I was saying at 12 years old, I did not want to get married or have kids. I got married, but the kid thing still hasn't really changed. I think about it at times but I always come back to my original state of mind. I just don't see enough pros over the cons. But this leaves my availability to do other types of service and perhaps, that is exactly what is meant for me. Perhaps my motherhood belongs in something else. I feel happy about that idea. :-)

Fashion

That word can either excite me or depress me. I have such mixed feelings about it. One day I care what I look like, and the next day I don't. There'll be times I just want to hide from the world. Oh, fashion... it's so frustrating to me with the pressures of looking your best. Problem is, what I like to wear isn't fashionable and I have always struggled with that. I honestly love boy clothes. I love baggy T-shirts, baggy pants, hoodies, flip flops, sneakers. I hate fiddling with my hair. I'm annoyed in the salon after about 30 minutes. Not by choice, I am already a little higher maintenance than I care to be due to my thick eyebrows that need to be plucked constantly, legs and armpits need to be waxed. In this day and age, it really isn't fun being a girl. It takes time to look feminine.

That is what depresses me. I always thought when I got older, I probably wouldn't care anymore about fashion or looks but it shows at 25 that I do still care. I'm not obsessed with it obviously or I'd have a closet full of clothes and tons of shoes. I'm very simple with my wardrobe and don't have much clothes, but I'm feeling this intense influence to start caring more. I see how differently people are treated by the way they look and the way we dress is our personal stamp. It sends a message to people about ourselves. So my carefree attitude is clearly expressed in what I wear. I think it will help motivate me a little more if I put more time into my body, health and wardrobe. Reason being, when I look at someone who is in shape, dresses well and is healthy, I see a motivated individual that works hard and cares to present themselves at their best. So, I feel that if I change my attitude towards fashion and fitness, perhaps I will be motivated to work harder and reach my full potential.

If you don't have a positive view of yourself, you're probably not at your best or working hard enough to reach your potential. I have unlocked that mystery in myself so it is time to do something about it. It's time to spark the motivational fire under my butt to start caring! This is the quarter century marking point of my life! It's time to celebrate this year with a BIG BANG! Change and LOTS of it!

Now that I've written this for anyone to read, I have to live up to my word. Positive thoughts only. I can do this because we all have the power to change ourselves. Attitude change is the first step. Second step, build healthy habits in my daily routine. After that, I believe the rest is history.

An Old Soul

Ron and I identify with the ancient Indians way of life. Their simplicity in only taking what was needed and sharing what they have with friends, family or those in need are values we cherish. They believed in a balanced life. This is how people lived on our continent for thousands and thousands of years. Today we are convinced that we need lots of money and material possessions and that the more we have, the better. However, this simply doesn't make sense when you study ancient Indians. As well as the damage, sicknesses and disorders we have created today in our environment, people and animals by all the negative change. I understand that change is inevitable and we can't stop it from happening. I'm not going to pretend I have the answers to todays problems because I don't.


I'm just stating that the ancient Native American culture makes more sense to me and I can relate to it much more than today's world. They lived peacefully among each other, didn't damage the environment, respected everything and were thankful for everything they had. They already knew that what the settlers were trying to do was never about freedom. How can people honestly think that we are a free country when we are enslaved to the government? We aren't free. That doesn't mean I'm ignorant to the fact that we have it better than other countries today as far as the amenities we have here. I'm not suggesting that America is a horrible place to live. What I am saying is that what we are founded on is a lie. Every time I see the American flag and what it represents, I can't stop myself from snickering. It is funny when you really think about the meaning of freedom. Our founders took freedom away from people for their own power and benefit.


If the white man wants to live in peace with the Indian, he can live in peace...
Treat all men alike. Give them all the same law. Give them all an even chance to live and grow. All men were made by the same Great Spirit Chief. They are all brothers. The Earth is the mother of all people, and all people should have equal rights upon it....
Let me be a free man, free to travel, free to stop, free to work, free to trade where I choose my own teachers, free to follow the religion of my fathers, free to think and talk and act for myself, and I will obey every law, or submit to the penalty.

Before our white brothers arrived to make us civilized men, we didn't have any kind of prison. Because of this, we had no delinquents. Without a prison, there can be no delinquents. We had no locks nor keys and therefore among us there were no thieves. When someone was so poor that he couldn't afford a horse, a tent or a blanket, he would, in that case, receive it all as a gift. We were too uncivilized to give great importance to private property. We didn't know any kind of money and consequently, the value of a human being was not determined by his wealth. We had no written laws laid down, no lawyers, no politicians, therefore we were not able to cheat and swindle one another.
We were really in bad shape before the white men arrived and I don't know how to explain how we were able to manage without these fundamental things that (so they tell us) are so necessary for a civilized society.
When I sit and study some of the Christian people that became established here, I have to say, they weren't the best representatives of their faith. There was a lot of prejudice, racism and judgement on their part. When you understand what Christianity is about... loving your neighbor as yourself, the Indians already lived that way. The Indians were the true Christians. They gave thanks for everything they had and believed in taking care of their people before themselves. The Indians also had a unique concept of embracing people. They took in black slaves that escaped and in general, would try to be peaceful with the English before being forced to fight.


Remember: Chief Massasoit prayed to the Creator about how he should handle the invaders (the first settlers) and even though the Wampanoag tribe could have wiped them out, he led his people to help them. In turn, the settlers betrayed him after his death and sought to take more from Massasoit's people. History doesn't lie and actions speak louder than words.


 Galatians 5:22 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness,

---

James 2:18 But someone will say, "You have faith; I have deeds." Show me your faith without deeds, and I will show you my faith by what I do."


The Indian said, "If you believe in the same God. Why do you quarrel about him?" 
(doesn't sound like the Indians needed the converting!)


Indian leaders were truly admirable people. Chosen by how peaceful, giving and cooperative they were. Our leaders now expect us to cater to them and would never die for us. Our political leaders expect their men to take a bullet for them. Cowards in my opinion. 


If industrialized society today which has only existed for a little past 300 years on the American continent is a better way of life, then why do we not live peacefully among each other? Why are we fighting so many wars? Why do people want to outdo each other? Why is greed and power so prevalent? Why is it that we the people of America can't even agree with each other when it comes to who should run our country? Where is the "Unity" in the States since we are all governed under different laws and everyone has a different belief? That's why our title, "The United States of America" that represents freedom is so comical and such a distortion of the truth. The Native Americans represented true unity and freedom, not us.


Something that makes me sad is many Americans have been brainwashed into these concepts of "for the better." Mental disorders (depression, anxiety, bipolar, schizo) and many illnesses such as diabetes, smallpox, clogged arteries, blocked colons, obesity, etc did not even exist here until colonialism happened. It's no secret today about the crap that's in our vegetables, fruits and meat now. We all know poverty exists because greedy people have forced others to slave on their farms or die. Ancient people didn't need to take an hour or two out of their day to work out or think about eating healthy. No one starved. They worked together and their lives incorporated natural, balanced activity. Westernized society as it is today doesn't show me that we know a better way of life.


Ron and I are long, lost Indian souls born in the wrong era. lol. We are awake to the problems and try our darn best not to ignore them. Unfortunately, money is the new survival strategy and we all have to make a living somehow. We have surrounded ourselves with friends who also understand that money is a survival mechanism, and an abundance of it is not necessary and the obsession to have a lot of it is not good. There are ways to still live our lives balanced and for our communities. Be thankful for what you have, give what you can to others and don't take too much for yourself. This will keep balance in your mind and heart.


I'm going to end this with a beautiful story told by a Cherokee Elder to his grandson.

"A fight is going on inside me," he said to the boy.

"It is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves. One is evil - he is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego." 

He continued, "The other is good - he is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith. The same fight is going on inside you - and inside every other person, too."

The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather, "Which wolf will win?"

The old Cherokee simply replied, "The one you feed."

If we can all feed the good wolf, we will make this earth a more peaceful place to live.