The last ten months of my every day life have been the most drastically changing for me in my entire life. I haven't written in a long time and that was intentional. I've looked back at my other posts and see how much I fluctuated from "I believe in this..." wait..."No, I was wrong or that's wrong. Now I believe in this..." wait... "Back to the original plan, I'm this or I'm not that." Looking back and comparing where I was back then to where I am now, I can see that I had some major identity issues. I tried to be vegan. I tried to be vegetarian. I was a student aspiring to "be someone important." I was in church to get right with God. I was riding the Identity Tower of Terror ride at Disney World. I'm finally here to write what's been up with me this last year and where I'm at now with all of this. I have the confidence to admit my weaknesses, be transparent for anyone to judge and really not care at all what any of ya think either. I'm not ashamed of my growth one bit.
I can't even try to sum up where I've been, who I idolized, what things I have idolized, and where I got my satisfaction from. Simply put, I've been living my life in the flesh. That might sound like strange lingo but it really is that simple. I was living in the desires of my human body, making me susceptible to anything that man deems valuable. Yikes! How scary that is to me now! My entire life has been living in a manner to keep up with the worldly expectations of us; get a career, do something that matters, look good on paper, accomplish difficult things, follow your heart. No... there has to be something more than that. There just has to be. Otherwise, what's the point? What a lonely, unsatisfying life to have to worry about the approval of man - care about what job you have, care about how high your education goes, what school you went to, where you live, what car you drive. Yuck... just yuck and clutter in my head with all these human desires and expectations.
Well, I started attending church... yes, haha, I know... again. I know I'm talking to myself in these blogs, but I like to pretend I'm actually reaching out to someone who cares. So church was random. I didn't want to go. It was back in July. I was invited to go and I didn't want to reject such a polite and sincere invitation. This person genuinely seemed like they wanted to share something awesome with me, so eh, why not? Just go. You'll sit there for an hour or two tops, you'll shake hands with people and you'll leave. You might get a positive message or you might get offended, but so what? You're not committed to anything so you don't owe anyone shit. I think part of me hadn't been to church in so long that I was actually kind of curious what it would be like going to church after three years of being fed up with God and his mysterious ways. I had absolutely no expectations whatsoever. Can't get disappointed when you expect nothing.
Instead, I was genuinely surprised. Andy, a pastor of this church called, "Restored" was talking about church planting and how he left a 6 figure position to begin a church. So no more benefits, no more steady income, but he felt that it was important for him to plant a church and actually practice what the prophets of the Bible taught about discipleship. Who in their right mind leaves a 6 figure job with full benefits who has a wife, two kids and a baby on the way? He believed he needed to create more communities that know God so that more people can know who he is, learn of his grace and good news so they may become new people no longer living inside their flesh. HUH?! That actually made sense to me! This is a guy totally putting faith in God to do something completely unsure and unsafe because he trusted God more than he trusted man! Never heard that one before.
But I remained cautious. I kept going to church with my guards up and my cautions high. But the more I talked to other members and listened to others testimonies, the more I couldn't ignore what was happening inside of me. I was learning things that went completely against a human's way of experiencing struggles, conflict and desires. People's testimonies were the most powerful words I have ever heard spoken publicly. People were sharing their stories of how they used to live their lives - this included eating disorders, prejudices, cheating on a spouse, pornography addictions, etc, you name it. They admitted to living their lives this way and how learning the Gospel completely flipped their worlds as they knew it to be upside down. They changed. They quit those behaviors and they didn't receive medication, or modern psychology to modify behaviors. They had real, heart wrenching stories of pain and suffering sharing this for all of us to judge, so transparent, honest in their wrongdoings but had so much hope, joy and peace filling their lives now that they want to turn around and share those same awesome feelings with everyone else. And each and every one of these people gave their heart change's credit to God, not themselves. Their stories turned into being about how good God is and how he restores people. Totally different than anything I had ever heard or experienced anywhere... ever...
What is this Gospel they speak of? Well, I kept going to church. I started to reach out. I dug into the word. I read the Bible now. Never did that before. I think had I actually read the New Testament before, I'd have known of the good news a long time ago. But whatever. I'm not even measuring my time as a bad or good thing. I'm just noticing how my pride got in the way of me accepting the Gospel as truth and the light to peace and true satisfaction. The goodness of God has me mesmerized and I have been digging deeper ever since this summer into the Lord's goodness. It really is just that... goodness. My identity issues that I had for most of my life have slowly dissipated over this year.
As I grew more with God in my heart, I checked my intentions on everything that I do. Going to school before truly knowing God was all about my ego - building my confidence up and seeking the approval of man to get a career and climb the "success ladder" that man created. But now, if I go back to school, it's not because I seek the approval of man or need a degree to have confidence. It is simply because I feel I can do more with what I have been given and could possibly have more opportunities to help people if I acquire more skills. I don't feel bad for being where I'm at because to feel bad about not having accomplished a dozen hard things by now is to indirectly admit that it matters what others think about me. Why should I feel bad about not keeping up with the world's shallow expectations? I used to though! But God is so much better. That is the beauty in all of my struggles. God's way is so much better than anything humans have to offer. Humans are finicky, prideful, competitive, and just quite simply broken. Everyone needs God. Not just me, not just Hitler. Real, every day people need a Savior from themselves. It's a shame how much religion has distorted the Gospel and has turned it into the damnation of souls, hell, shame and punishment. The Gospel is good news. I've never been able to say that before. But the fact that my identity no longer lies in the fate of man is proof that I have been rescued and am ever so glad to tell you that it was God.
Showing posts with label Change. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Change. Show all posts
Wednesday, May 13, 2015
Thursday, January 23, 2014
Veganism
OKAY people. I've officially gone mad crazy vegan. I've cut all the shit out of my food. Yes, I said shit. That's really how I feel about all that dairy and meat junk. I've officially past the test of temptation now, three times over and over. I've had chicken wings, shrimp lo-mein, ham, cheese brought to the house by friends for gatherings and I've opted for boring, plain salads at restaurants that do not consider meat and dairy alternatives whatsoever. Yes, I've actually passed these temptations like it was nothin'. And I couldn't be happier.
For those of you who are considering going vegan, I'd like to share with you my personal journey to get here. It wasn't a radical change over night. It took me five solid years to get to where I am now. It started with detoxing my system, completely flushing out the junk. Then I went vegetarian on and off for the last five years. After learning to cut out meat fairly easily, I realized that it just made more sense to be vegan because I'm still supporting animal cruelty/ or animals being "harvested" for our use. Much, much research and watching various documentaries has brought me to a place where I cannot feel good about eating meat or dairy anymore. I cannot support it anymore. Again, five years of researching health and nutrition has brought me here. I used to make excuses for eating cheese and using milk for baking until I just forced myself to really take a look at the research available out there and understand what is going on with our food. And so, what it comes down to is feeling bad about it. I honestly just feel bad about consuming those things now, so it is no longer a temptation. I can easily sit down at a restaurant and not care about not eating what everyone else is eating.
I've changed the way I look at food. Meat and dairy no longer look like food to me, so you cannot miss or want something that doesn't look like food to you. I don't live to eat anymore. I eat to live. There's a difference. There's a fantastic documentary called, "Forks Over Knives." Very eye opening information here that gives you 1,000's of reasons to go vegan that have absolutely nothing to do with the suffering of animals, so if you are having a hard time finding compassion for farm animals, well, this documentary was meant for you then. This is all about health and the benefits of a plant-based diet versus a meat and dairy one.
This woman is an inspiration to me: click on the link below
70 yr old looks 30 - raw diet
She radiates with optimum health. I find it funny that there are many people that will knock down this way of eating, but they themselves cannot even begin to claim that kind of health status. I think she's onto something here and I'm definitely going to work towards this. This would be the ultimate accomplishment for me.
“Let food be thy medicine and medicine be thy food” - Hippocrates. This quote really resonates with me and constantly flashes in my mind when I'm in situations where people project how delicious their food is as if it is to somehow change my mind. I just keep my eye on the prize. Optimum health. A life-time of energy. A beautiful, healthy glow. Ultimate compassion. This is what I want, and if it means people bashing me for it, well, I'm not the first or the last person that will be bashed for thinking differently. History tells that story over and over, time and time again.
Also, I have found that going vegan doesn't sacrifice flavor at all. There are SO MANY options out there for vegans it's not even funny!!! Mmm-mm-mmm.... deliciousness is everywhere. You just have to be creative. Frankly, the making of delicious health just excites me. Restaurants aren't even that fun anymore because there's so many fun recipes online for veggies and fruits that ya just will never see in a restaurant.
I am excited to start blogging on vegan eating. We need more of us out there doing it to show that it's not impossible to eat like this. It gets easier.... I promise. You'll just have to take care of your appetite before you go out with friends and bring your own food to gatherings. So you'll be forced to cook and create in your kitchen. Fun, fun, fun!
For those of you who are considering going vegan, I'd like to share with you my personal journey to get here. It wasn't a radical change over night. It took me five solid years to get to where I am now. It started with detoxing my system, completely flushing out the junk. Then I went vegetarian on and off for the last five years. After learning to cut out meat fairly easily, I realized that it just made more sense to be vegan because I'm still supporting animal cruelty/ or animals being "harvested" for our use. Much, much research and watching various documentaries has brought me to a place where I cannot feel good about eating meat or dairy anymore. I cannot support it anymore. Again, five years of researching health and nutrition has brought me here. I used to make excuses for eating cheese and using milk for baking until I just forced myself to really take a look at the research available out there and understand what is going on with our food. And so, what it comes down to is feeling bad about it. I honestly just feel bad about consuming those things now, so it is no longer a temptation. I can easily sit down at a restaurant and not care about not eating what everyone else is eating.
I've changed the way I look at food. Meat and dairy no longer look like food to me, so you cannot miss or want something that doesn't look like food to you. I don't live to eat anymore. I eat to live. There's a difference. There's a fantastic documentary called, "Forks Over Knives." Very eye opening information here that gives you 1,000's of reasons to go vegan that have absolutely nothing to do with the suffering of animals, so if you are having a hard time finding compassion for farm animals, well, this documentary was meant for you then. This is all about health and the benefits of a plant-based diet versus a meat and dairy one.
This woman is an inspiration to me: click on the link below
70 yr old looks 30 - raw diet
She radiates with optimum health. I find it funny that there are many people that will knock down this way of eating, but they themselves cannot even begin to claim that kind of health status. I think she's onto something here and I'm definitely going to work towards this. This would be the ultimate accomplishment for me.
“Let food be thy medicine and medicine be thy food” - Hippocrates. This quote really resonates with me and constantly flashes in my mind when I'm in situations where people project how delicious their food is as if it is to somehow change my mind. I just keep my eye on the prize. Optimum health. A life-time of energy. A beautiful, healthy glow. Ultimate compassion. This is what I want, and if it means people bashing me for it, well, I'm not the first or the last person that will be bashed for thinking differently. History tells that story over and over, time and time again.
Also, I have found that going vegan doesn't sacrifice flavor at all. There are SO MANY options out there for vegans it's not even funny!!! Mmm-mm-mmm.... deliciousness is everywhere. You just have to be creative. Frankly, the making of delicious health just excites me. Restaurants aren't even that fun anymore because there's so many fun recipes online for veggies and fruits that ya just will never see in a restaurant.
I am excited to start blogging on vegan eating. We need more of us out there doing it to show that it's not impossible to eat like this. It gets easier.... I promise. You'll just have to take care of your appetite before you go out with friends and bring your own food to gatherings. So you'll be forced to cook and create in your kitchen. Fun, fun, fun!
Friday, July 12, 2013
27 Years Old
That's right. Happy Birthday to Me! My family is here and we are celebrating my birthday! Saturday will be loads of fun because we are having a bonfire on the beach. I will be boogie boarding all day long. I will take many photos and post them. This will be a good one. I can feel it.
27 years old, geez. Every year, the time seems to go faster. This has been a big year for me.
I've made the deans list.
My husband has bought us our first house together.
I am boogie boarding, and I have been deathly afraid of the ocean.
My little sister is engaged.
I abandoned God.
And now, at the very end of this 26th year of life, I am letting God back in.
Living a life for myself has not been very fulfilling for me. I've wised up on a lot of things this year. There is definitely a reason for everything and why we go through the things we do. Let me tell you!
I had to strip God out of my life and live a life without him to understand what life meant without God. But then, I noticed my soul was lost. When I say my soul was lost, that means that I did not see a purpose for myself. Why am I here? Where am I going? If I have no purpose here, then what the heck am I doing here? I struggled with that this year, and it has brought me to some very dark places that I did not enjoy revisiting.
I decided to pray. I haven't prayed a real prayer in over a year. Strange, I didn't even know what to say at first or what to pray for. I just said, "Hi God. I don't see you when I walk out my door. Show yourself to me because I cannot see."
Over the next few weeks after that, I started to see that fear and anger have been holding me back from seeing the light. I have been living a life full of fears. Afraid to be vulnerable with my husband. Afraid to be myself. Afraid to have kids. And then angry because I have these fears. All the sudden, it clicked. This is what demons are. They are fear, anger, bitterness, resentment, jealousy, and all of these negative emotions that KEEP us from being happy people. Demons are these spirits that feed our mind discouraging thoughts.
So I prayed to God and asked him to cast these demons out. I want to live a meaningful life, a life in which I have purpose. I asked him how I can find purpose in my life because worldly accomplishments and duties are not satisfying my platter. I'm too spiritually aware. I live in a world where spiritual purposes are looked down upon, but this is what my heart yearns for.
Then it occurred to me, serve others. Live a life in service to your people, and think less about yourself. The more selfless you become, the more like Christ you will become, and you will have purpose in your life. In God, you will have self-esteem. Then the thought came to my mind that a homebody I am and enjoy being. A home filled with love is my passion, and serving my dear husband gives me great satisfaction. Wow, wait a minute... motherhood? This whole time that I have been looking down on motherhood, that is the most selfless way of serving Christ by raising children with love and to love others. Because you know what is the biggest problem I see in the world today? Not enough love. Love is not found in every home. Compassion, empathy and integrity is not being instilled in every home. I see a lot of evil in this world, and everything we learn starts in the home.
Parents are failing to be parents.
... This whole time, I looked down on parenting. Not even realizing that I could make a difference in the home, the very thing I thought was despicable. Yet, is responsible for the welfare of humanity.
Motherhood.
Motherhood?
This is the Lord answering my prayer. I understand now. I understand what the people meant when they said, "God knows what is best for us, and sometimes it is not what we think it is."
I had to go through what I did to become the person that I meant to be. It's clicking. Things are finally beginning to click and make sense. My soul is healing.
27 years old, geez. Every year, the time seems to go faster. This has been a big year for me.
I've made the deans list.
My husband has bought us our first house together.
I am boogie boarding, and I have been deathly afraid of the ocean.
My little sister is engaged.
I abandoned God.
And now, at the very end of this 26th year of life, I am letting God back in.
Living a life for myself has not been very fulfilling for me. I've wised up on a lot of things this year. There is definitely a reason for everything and why we go through the things we do. Let me tell you!
I had to strip God out of my life and live a life without him to understand what life meant without God. But then, I noticed my soul was lost. When I say my soul was lost, that means that I did not see a purpose for myself. Why am I here? Where am I going? If I have no purpose here, then what the heck am I doing here? I struggled with that this year, and it has brought me to some very dark places that I did not enjoy revisiting.
I decided to pray. I haven't prayed a real prayer in over a year. Strange, I didn't even know what to say at first or what to pray for. I just said, "Hi God. I don't see you when I walk out my door. Show yourself to me because I cannot see."
Over the next few weeks after that, I started to see that fear and anger have been holding me back from seeing the light. I have been living a life full of fears. Afraid to be vulnerable with my husband. Afraid to be myself. Afraid to have kids. And then angry because I have these fears. All the sudden, it clicked. This is what demons are. They are fear, anger, bitterness, resentment, jealousy, and all of these negative emotions that KEEP us from being happy people. Demons are these spirits that feed our mind discouraging thoughts.
So I prayed to God and asked him to cast these demons out. I want to live a meaningful life, a life in which I have purpose. I asked him how I can find purpose in my life because worldly accomplishments and duties are not satisfying my platter. I'm too spiritually aware. I live in a world where spiritual purposes are looked down upon, but this is what my heart yearns for.
Then it occurred to me, serve others. Live a life in service to your people, and think less about yourself. The more selfless you become, the more like Christ you will become, and you will have purpose in your life. In God, you will have self-esteem. Then the thought came to my mind that a homebody I am and enjoy being. A home filled with love is my passion, and serving my dear husband gives me great satisfaction. Wow, wait a minute... motherhood? This whole time that I have been looking down on motherhood, that is the most selfless way of serving Christ by raising children with love and to love others. Because you know what is the biggest problem I see in the world today? Not enough love. Love is not found in every home. Compassion, empathy and integrity is not being instilled in every home. I see a lot of evil in this world, and everything we learn starts in the home.
Parents are failing to be parents.
... This whole time, I looked down on parenting. Not even realizing that I could make a difference in the home, the very thing I thought was despicable. Yet, is responsible for the welfare of humanity.
Motherhood.
Motherhood?
This is the Lord answering my prayer. I understand now. I understand what the people meant when they said, "God knows what is best for us, and sometimes it is not what we think it is."
I had to go through what I did to become the person that I meant to be. It's clicking. Things are finally beginning to click and make sense. My soul is healing.
Thursday, May 30, 2013
The Flush
It's about time we cleaned out our systems. This time around wasn't as bad as the very first time I did it. Ron & I pushed the reset button on our stomachs. We both gained a little weight this year, more so me. But our pants started getting tight and we both said, whoa. Press the pause button!
Kinda like this... -->click me
And we've had enough of that.
Cutting out meat and dairy. Started eating soup the last few days to ease up on my stomach, and let the herbs we took finish cleaning out crap... literally. And we feel greeeeeat! Lost 8 lbs this week. (Of course, when you're barely eating you will drop quick).
I'm done with the meat and dairy. Ever since I got off the vegetarian life style, I have been more tired and groggy than ever. Done. Done. Done with that.
On the healthy cycle again. Here we go! Insanity & the P90X regime starts tomorrow. May it last forever this time.
Kinda like this... -->click me
And we've had enough of that.
Cutting out meat and dairy. Started eating soup the last few days to ease up on my stomach, and let the herbs we took finish cleaning out crap... literally. And we feel greeeeeat! Lost 8 lbs this week. (Of course, when you're barely eating you will drop quick).
I'm done with the meat and dairy. Ever since I got off the vegetarian life style, I have been more tired and groggy than ever. Done. Done. Done with that.
On the healthy cycle again. Here we go! Insanity & the P90X regime starts tomorrow. May it last forever this time.
Here's my new attitude about food:
You know why it's going to be successful this time around? I do not give a flying monkey if anyone supports me or not. I've got the upper hand now when someone tries to knock it. Misery enjoys company, and I'm not accompanying!
Friday, March 29, 2013
Can't Sleep
It's 4:30AM and I just finished my second glass of cabernet sauvignon, hoping it would drift me away into slumberland. Fortunately, it has made me sleepy, but my mind restless. I keep thinking and thinking and thinking. What does it take to shut my brain off? Writing has been the only thing in my life to help me forget my thoughts, or at the very least, move on from it since I left it somewhere else to reflect on later.
Life...
I've been living in California now for five years... five years! Let me say... I miss Pennsylvania. I never thought I would, but I do. I miss the country life style. I miss the simplicity of life and the type of people there.
My husband just bought us a house. I know there are people out there who would LOVE to be in my shoes. A house in California, with pets, the weather, the beach, blah blah blah. But I am actually grieving at the loss of the country life I once had. California is such a crowded state. I haven't been on a backroad since I went to visit Pennsylvania last year.
The people here are just so different too. It's hard to explain because I can't generalize ALL of them.... but anyone who has grown up here is definitely effected by the subculture here, which is also hard for me to describe. It's just something I feel... but can't put into words. Basically, when I go out in the city here, I have this feeling of, "I don't belong here." No one is saying I don't belong there. No one is being rude. No one is treating me differently. But there is a very intense feeling of... "This isn't your place." I guess it's just the fact that I know there is so many rich people walking around, so many "I wanna be this and that" type people and I am simply not that way. I wasn't engineered like this. I wasn't created to want so much in my life. I don't know. I've always been a very simple person who doesn't need a lot. And these type of people that want recognition, attention, and rewards are everyyyyyywhere here. There is just an abundance of them in this state. I didn't see this in Utah. I didn't see this in Pennsylvania. When I did see it, it was too easy to avoid because they stuck out like a sore thumb.
I went from Hershey High School, a competitive school to living in a STATE that now feels very high school all over again. How in the hell did I do that to myself? *rolls eyes*
Listen, I'm very grateful for the things I have. I know I shouldn't complain, but these are my feelings. They are real. I am going through this. I am struggling with being in a crowded state, busy highways, people all around me. I'm not a city girl. I'm just not. I need my quiet and peace.
The plumbers told me that my house is quiet. I responded, "Really? I think it's noisy considering the highway is one street away." They said, "No. It's quiet. Your pets are chill and you have no children." Hmm. I guess it is more quiet compared to their homes, but I am used to have two acres of backyard and half an acre between my neighbors and I. I could HEAR the crickets and owls at night. I heard no cars. It was peaceful.
I can hear cars at night. I'm aware of the highway. Sure, it's not LOUD, but I do know what a quiet household actually is. I don't hear crickets. The lawn mowers are very close by. I can hear the kids playing in their yards. Out east, they were far enough away I couldn't hear my neighbors. Lawn mowers had the faintest sound.
I'm struggling out here. I'm not going to lie. I never thought I would say this, but I am HOMESICK. It may have taken five years to get there, but I am flat out homesick. I miss my country life. I miss the four seasons. I miss my snow for Christmas. I miss the beautiful fall leaves changing colors for Halloween and preparing me for Thanksgiving. I miss the April spring showers that would last for days at a time, warm April showers. I miss the fog and the overcast skies that would stay for days after the rain. I miss the humidity that kept my hair and skin soft without ever using lotion. I miss breathing in fresh air from the abundance of trees on the east coast. I miss hearing the crickets at night. I miss watching the lightning bugs at night light up the outdoors of my windows. I miss 25 MPH roads and being the only person on a road. I miss seeing deer roaming around in the woods. I miss the bats I would see at night sometimes. I miss the east coast.
I think I actually want to go back.
Five years later, I can now say I appreciate what I had. I want to go home.
And that's okay. I am human. I have feelings, and I will have to find a way to cope.
Life...
I've been living in California now for five years... five years! Let me say... I miss Pennsylvania. I never thought I would, but I do. I miss the country life style. I miss the simplicity of life and the type of people there.
My husband just bought us a house. I know there are people out there who would LOVE to be in my shoes. A house in California, with pets, the weather, the beach, blah blah blah. But I am actually grieving at the loss of the country life I once had. California is such a crowded state. I haven't been on a backroad since I went to visit Pennsylvania last year.
The people here are just so different too. It's hard to explain because I can't generalize ALL of them.... but anyone who has grown up here is definitely effected by the subculture here, which is also hard for me to describe. It's just something I feel... but can't put into words. Basically, when I go out in the city here, I have this feeling of, "I don't belong here." No one is saying I don't belong there. No one is being rude. No one is treating me differently. But there is a very intense feeling of... "This isn't your place." I guess it's just the fact that I know there is so many rich people walking around, so many "I wanna be this and that" type people and I am simply not that way. I wasn't engineered like this. I wasn't created to want so much in my life. I don't know. I've always been a very simple person who doesn't need a lot. And these type of people that want recognition, attention, and rewards are everyyyyyywhere here. There is just an abundance of them in this state. I didn't see this in Utah. I didn't see this in Pennsylvania. When I did see it, it was too easy to avoid because they stuck out like a sore thumb.
I went from Hershey High School, a competitive school to living in a STATE that now feels very high school all over again. How in the hell did I do that to myself? *rolls eyes*
Listen, I'm very grateful for the things I have. I know I shouldn't complain, but these are my feelings. They are real. I am going through this. I am struggling with being in a crowded state, busy highways, people all around me. I'm not a city girl. I'm just not. I need my quiet and peace.
The plumbers told me that my house is quiet. I responded, "Really? I think it's noisy considering the highway is one street away." They said, "No. It's quiet. Your pets are chill and you have no children." Hmm. I guess it is more quiet compared to their homes, but I am used to have two acres of backyard and half an acre between my neighbors and I. I could HEAR the crickets and owls at night. I heard no cars. It was peaceful.
I can hear cars at night. I'm aware of the highway. Sure, it's not LOUD, but I do know what a quiet household actually is. I don't hear crickets. The lawn mowers are very close by. I can hear the kids playing in their yards. Out east, they were far enough away I couldn't hear my neighbors. Lawn mowers had the faintest sound.
I'm struggling out here. I'm not going to lie. I never thought I would say this, but I am HOMESICK. It may have taken five years to get there, but I am flat out homesick. I miss my country life. I miss the four seasons. I miss my snow for Christmas. I miss the beautiful fall leaves changing colors for Halloween and preparing me for Thanksgiving. I miss the April spring showers that would last for days at a time, warm April showers. I miss the fog and the overcast skies that would stay for days after the rain. I miss the humidity that kept my hair and skin soft without ever using lotion. I miss breathing in fresh air from the abundance of trees on the east coast. I miss hearing the crickets at night. I miss watching the lightning bugs at night light up the outdoors of my windows. I miss 25 MPH roads and being the only person on a road. I miss seeing deer roaming around in the woods. I miss the bats I would see at night sometimes. I miss the east coast.
I think I actually want to go back.
Five years later, I can now say I appreciate what I had. I want to go home.
And that's okay. I am human. I have feelings, and I will have to find a way to cope.
Tuesday, January 8, 2013
New Years 2013
Ron and I were at his friends house, or shall I say mansion? We were there partying until 5 AM. It was a crazy, fun night. I love life with just me and my husband. We are free to go and do as we please, and come home to a cat who is always ready for love. Yet, he isn't pushy about it either. Best pet ever.
This is the third year I have not made a New Years Resolution. I stopped having New Years Resolutions about two years ago because I felt like I should just make a change as I see fit, not wait for one particular day to do it. If you want to change, then just get on with it. Besides, I have failed every diet and resolution I ever made. However, I have succeeded in many other changes when they weren't New Years Resolutions. For example, getting in shape, eating healthier, keeping to myself at work, staying out of drama, and trying to be more tolerant of unlovable people are all vast improvements I have made over the last two years. The healthy stuff seemed to always be resolutions at one point or another, but they were successful this year because I decided to change when I was fed up with staying the same. It worked like a charm doing it that way.
When 2013 came, I clanked my champagne glass with everyone elses' and clanked it against my husband's cute pellegrino glass. I told him, "Happy New Year. May we hopefully be in a house in 2013!" Just the other day, we were approved for a house in Spring Valley that we really like. It is three bedrooms and two full bathrooms with a nice yard and two car garage. It has been completely remodeled. Hopefully, we can come up with the extra cash for the down payment by the end of this month. If it is meant to be, it will be. We are getting a house because paying rent is just stupid now. It goes up every year, and we don't get to keep the apartment by paying it off. It is a never ending bill that doesn't even give us any tax benefits. So, we decided to do the house thing.
It might seem strange that we went into this without having the full amount of money for the down payment, but we just barely started house hunting a month ago. Ron's bought houses before, and we have had several friends go through the real estate process. On average, it has taken them at least a few months before finding a house they wanted. We thought it would be the same for us. Instead, we found a house and we were approved for it in exactly one month, which shortened our time to get the extra cash we would definitely have in a few months from now. I'm not complaining, I am just a little unsure of how this is going to turn out. I can't say I will be disappointed if we do not get the house because I am actually scared of this commitment believe it or not. It means we really are here to stay, and we aren't budging any time soon. If we have kids, this is where they will be raised.
I will be excited when the deal closes. Only then will I be excited because I will realize it is real. Part of me is a little sad because I love our location. We can walk everywhere, and it is closer to work for both of us. Ron is selling his Steelers collectors items, the piano, possibly my wedding rings, and we already sold my gold necklace. We are parting with a lot of materialistic things to get this house. I know this will benefit us in the long run though, and we will be much happier having more space. We need to do this now while the market is still in the buyers favor. Otherwise, we may not ever be able to afford a home here.
2013 will be the year that gave us a home, not the year that ended the world as so many people believed. Coincidentally, 2013 is the mark of a new era for Ron and I.
This is the third year I have not made a New Years Resolution. I stopped having New Years Resolutions about two years ago because I felt like I should just make a change as I see fit, not wait for one particular day to do it. If you want to change, then just get on with it. Besides, I have failed every diet and resolution I ever made. However, I have succeeded in many other changes when they weren't New Years Resolutions. For example, getting in shape, eating healthier, keeping to myself at work, staying out of drama, and trying to be more tolerant of unlovable people are all vast improvements I have made over the last two years. The healthy stuff seemed to always be resolutions at one point or another, but they were successful this year because I decided to change when I was fed up with staying the same. It worked like a charm doing it that way.
When 2013 came, I clanked my champagne glass with everyone elses' and clanked it against my husband's cute pellegrino glass. I told him, "Happy New Year. May we hopefully be in a house in 2013!" Just the other day, we were approved for a house in Spring Valley that we really like. It is three bedrooms and two full bathrooms with a nice yard and two car garage. It has been completely remodeled. Hopefully, we can come up with the extra cash for the down payment by the end of this month. If it is meant to be, it will be. We are getting a house because paying rent is just stupid now. It goes up every year, and we don't get to keep the apartment by paying it off. It is a never ending bill that doesn't even give us any tax benefits. So, we decided to do the house thing.
It might seem strange that we went into this without having the full amount of money for the down payment, but we just barely started house hunting a month ago. Ron's bought houses before, and we have had several friends go through the real estate process. On average, it has taken them at least a few months before finding a house they wanted. We thought it would be the same for us. Instead, we found a house and we were approved for it in exactly one month, which shortened our time to get the extra cash we would definitely have in a few months from now. I'm not complaining, I am just a little unsure of how this is going to turn out. I can't say I will be disappointed if we do not get the house because I am actually scared of this commitment believe it or not. It means we really are here to stay, and we aren't budging any time soon. If we have kids, this is where they will be raised.
I will be excited when the deal closes. Only then will I be excited because I will realize it is real. Part of me is a little sad because I love our location. We can walk everywhere, and it is closer to work for both of us. Ron is selling his Steelers collectors items, the piano, possibly my wedding rings, and we already sold my gold necklace. We are parting with a lot of materialistic things to get this house. I know this will benefit us in the long run though, and we will be much happier having more space. We need to do this now while the market is still in the buyers favor. Otherwise, we may not ever be able to afford a home here.
2013 will be the year that gave us a home, not the year that ended the world as so many people believed. Coincidentally, 2013 is the mark of a new era for Ron and I.
Friday, January 4, 2013
Technology manners are born after all
I have mentioned the lack of manners in different posts about smart phone abusers and social site idiots. This mother's blog brings tears to my eyes, as she formally addresses the rules to her son's new iPhone Christmas gift. I am so excited to see that I am not some overreacting, tense human being when it comes to technology and the manners that should come with it.
Janell Hofman, you are one respectable, admirable mother! Here is her iPhone contract she wrote for her son when he opened his gift. It is music to my ears.
Janell's iPhone Contract
The interview with the son and mom
What a great way to start my day. Janell Hofman, you almost make me want a child. :-)
Janell Hofman, you are one respectable, admirable mother! Here is her iPhone contract she wrote for her son when he opened his gift. It is music to my ears.
Janell's iPhone Contract
The interview with the son and mom
What a great way to start my day. Janell Hofman, you almost make me want a child. :-)
Monday, December 10, 2012
Why I'm Not a Christian Anymore
Today, I was asked why I went from being Christian to not believing in God anymore. This is the last time I will discuss my reasons for leaving the faith, since I touch on this issue on a few other posts. I also realized that I do not have an official explanation as to what exactly happened to my faith. In a way, this is closure for me to write about this as it is feels like a final step in letting go. Let me say, it surely did not happen over night. There are three fundamental beliefs in Christianity that I realized over the last year or so that I do not believe.
First of all, the most important belief in Christianity is that Jesus is our Savior, as in he died for our sins and was somehow resurrected. I never understood the concept of someone dying for the sins of all mankind. I cannot wrap my brain around this. It does not make sense to me that someone sacrifices his life for us because we cannot return to where we came from if that was not accomplished. My immediate thought that breaks off from this is that Adam and Eve were set up in a garden to fail. The forbidden fruit tree was nothing but a trap when you really think about it. If the plan all along was for them to eat the forbidden fruit so that we could know right from wrong, how exactly does two people get punished for doing something that was part of a plan?
Secondly, if you believe in Jesus, then you also believe he was born of a virgin. There is no way to comment on that without sounding arrogant, rude or prejudiced so I will just leave that statement alone for pondering. Additionally, this made me wonder why I never questioned it. After taking much time to reflect on this, I realized that I had been regurgitating what I learned in church. I was taught from a young age the 13 articles of faith and had them all memorized at one point. I was like an 18 year old college student memorizing information for an exam. Once I realized I was spitting out things I did not even understand, I had to take some time to myself and think about what my beliefs really were. Then I came to the conclusion that I didn't believe this after all.
Lastly, I have issues with the "word of God" which changes from the Old to New Testament. For example, the concept of a loving, almighty God allowing men to have multiple wives was acceptable, but then later on it was to only be one man and one woman in the New Testament. There is also the implication that marriage is between a man and a woman, so same sex couples are sinners. I have never been able to truly agree that gay folk are sinners. "Clean the speck out of your own eye before you clean the speck out of someone else's." No one has clean eyes, so it does not seem right to meddle in other people's preferences. My understanding of a loving God would consider the feelings of everyone involved, not simply the desires of men (plural marriages) or what the gender has to offer in a relationship (i.e. the ability to bare children doesn't exist for the gays). There are also quite a few stories in there that are a little too much for the brain. To name a few, Noah somehow captured two animals of every kind on a boat without using sedatives or killing them to cooperate. Jonah lived in a whale's stomach for three days, somehow surpassing that massive creature's digestive system. I cannot take these words literally, and I cannot preach to someone else about the bible when I do not believe everything myself.
If I am unsure that Jesus is a Savior, reject the claim he was born of a virgin, and do not believe the words literally of the Bible, then I obviously cannot be labeled a Christian. However, I do enjoy the moral of the stories that the Bible teaches. I believe a man named Jesus existed because there are books outside of the Bible that mention him. However, I also believe that Mary had sex with Joseph in order to conceive him. Do I believe Jesus is a Savior? That is where I simply cannot say I know that because I prayed and got a good feeling about it. If we made every decision based off our feelings, we would make many terrible mistakes. Imagine if you made me angry and my gut told me to punch you? Yikes. It isn't safe to go through life making choices based off your feelings. I think that leads to a delusional perspective of your life and the world you live in. In addition, I am willing to at least say that I believe there is a creator. I believe in spirits because of my experiences with intuition, which some may call a revelation. I am not atheist or agnostic since I do believe in a creator and I do believe in spirits. I only reject the Biblical explanation of God. That doesn't mean I reject the idea of a creator or the idea of spirituality. I simply cannot be labeled a Christian. So, the answer to the question I was asked today is that it was a spiritual journey on my quest to the truth. I am spiritual, non-religious, which is not that crazy of a jump from Christianity if you are able to consider my perspective on it.
First of all, the most important belief in Christianity is that Jesus is our Savior, as in he died for our sins and was somehow resurrected. I never understood the concept of someone dying for the sins of all mankind. I cannot wrap my brain around this. It does not make sense to me that someone sacrifices his life for us because we cannot return to where we came from if that was not accomplished. My immediate thought that breaks off from this is that Adam and Eve were set up in a garden to fail. The forbidden fruit tree was nothing but a trap when you really think about it. If the plan all along was for them to eat the forbidden fruit so that we could know right from wrong, how exactly does two people get punished for doing something that was part of a plan?
Secondly, if you believe in Jesus, then you also believe he was born of a virgin. There is no way to comment on that without sounding arrogant, rude or prejudiced so I will just leave that statement alone for pondering. Additionally, this made me wonder why I never questioned it. After taking much time to reflect on this, I realized that I had been regurgitating what I learned in church. I was taught from a young age the 13 articles of faith and had them all memorized at one point. I was like an 18 year old college student memorizing information for an exam. Once I realized I was spitting out things I did not even understand, I had to take some time to myself and think about what my beliefs really were. Then I came to the conclusion that I didn't believe this after all.
Lastly, I have issues with the "word of God" which changes from the Old to New Testament. For example, the concept of a loving, almighty God allowing men to have multiple wives was acceptable, but then later on it was to only be one man and one woman in the New Testament. There is also the implication that marriage is between a man and a woman, so same sex couples are sinners. I have never been able to truly agree that gay folk are sinners. "Clean the speck out of your own eye before you clean the speck out of someone else's." No one has clean eyes, so it does not seem right to meddle in other people's preferences. My understanding of a loving God would consider the feelings of everyone involved, not simply the desires of men (plural marriages) or what the gender has to offer in a relationship (i.e. the ability to bare children doesn't exist for the gays). There are also quite a few stories in there that are a little too much for the brain. To name a few, Noah somehow captured two animals of every kind on a boat without using sedatives or killing them to cooperate. Jonah lived in a whale's stomach for three days, somehow surpassing that massive creature's digestive system. I cannot take these words literally, and I cannot preach to someone else about the bible when I do not believe everything myself.
If I am unsure that Jesus is a Savior, reject the claim he was born of a virgin, and do not believe the words literally of the Bible, then I obviously cannot be labeled a Christian. However, I do enjoy the moral of the stories that the Bible teaches. I believe a man named Jesus existed because there are books outside of the Bible that mention him. However, I also believe that Mary had sex with Joseph in order to conceive him. Do I believe Jesus is a Savior? That is where I simply cannot say I know that because I prayed and got a good feeling about it. If we made every decision based off our feelings, we would make many terrible mistakes. Imagine if you made me angry and my gut told me to punch you? Yikes. It isn't safe to go through life making choices based off your feelings. I think that leads to a delusional perspective of your life and the world you live in. In addition, I am willing to at least say that I believe there is a creator. I believe in spirits because of my experiences with intuition, which some may call a revelation. I am not atheist or agnostic since I do believe in a creator and I do believe in spirits. I only reject the Biblical explanation of God. That doesn't mean I reject the idea of a creator or the idea of spirituality. I simply cannot be labeled a Christian. So, the answer to the question I was asked today is that it was a spiritual journey on my quest to the truth. I am spiritual, non-religious, which is not that crazy of a jump from Christianity if you are able to consider my perspective on it.
Tuesday, August 7, 2012
Freedom at last
Each day that goes by and I stop thinking about what the answers are to the big questions in life, I feel relieved. These invisible chains of confusion and burden have finally released me. It is only us that make our lives complicated. Granted, the people with power have contributed greatly to making our lives complicated. In general, I have taken great notice to how we get so caught up in trying to figure out the truth that life passes us by...
If you are easily offended, please discontinue reading. This is your only warning. I take no responsibility for those that interpret this personally. This is my reflection.
I've learned an interesting parallel between Santa Clause and God recently. Our parents tell us this big, old man stuffs himself down our chimneys, eats the cookies we set out for him and leaves us gifts. We try to wrap our minds around this concept, can't make sense of it but believe it must be true because the rest of the world is telling us it is. Our parents even leave us fake evidence of eaten cookies and empty milk glasses. Well, telling us if we are good enough, we will receive gifts is a form of manipulation. Whether you mean to manipulate your kids for bad or good is irrelevant. Manipulation exists any time you can control someone's thought in their ignorance. Some kids who think like me ask how this Santa Clause ordeal works and when we find out the truth,we are extremely upset that everyone we knew is part of this scheme, thinking this short-lived joy somehow benefits us.
Strange how religion seems to be an adult version of the Santa Clause paradigm. The explanation of God, Ala and whoever else is believed to exist is just a complicated version of Santa to me. I will never argue with someone and say they don't know who God is or that they don't know what they're talking about, but to me, I don't think anyone really knows the truth. We like to avoid cognitive dissonance because it is harder to think about what we can't understand. We can change the dissonance by altering our perspective on a situation. There are several ways to look at one situation. You can choose to accept God because if you don't, you fear the punishment. You can accept God because you really do believe and don't question his existence. You can accept God because you feel like a respectable person by doing so. You can not accept God because it doesn't satisfy the answers to your questions. Well, it's much harder to reject the biblical teachings of God because that means you are fessing up to not understanding and you do not receive comfort in faith or have false hope.
So where do you get comfort? I never knew I would reach this place that I am at now, but the real comfort for me comes in not arguing with myself about sin, communion, worshipping the unknown, or following rules. Peace comes by not feeling conflicted with yourself by what men tell you and certainly by not fearing what scriptures instill in you. Scripture talks about those who fear God are safe. I just have to roll my eyes at that one. Why would I want to fear the creator who made me? Better yet, why would I want to return to someone I fear? That's already a psychological form of manipulation. I must fear the creator who made me. Should we fear our moms and dads? That would be unhealthy.
If the Muslims are right, I've really upset Ala. If the Catholics are right, I am going to hell for not keeping the rules. If the Mormons are right, I won't make it to the highest degree of Glory to be with my family forever. If I don't fear God, I guess he won't be very happy with me and I will be punished in some way. Goodness. I don't exactly have a beautifully painted picture of the after life. I'm probably better off not understanding any of it. How can you punish someone who just doesn't get it? Perhaps I am a "retard" in the matters of God, thereby making me a disabled soul.
Santa gives children joy through their imagination. God also represents joy as well as hope and eternal life to those who believe. If Santa starts squeezing down chimneys and a virgin gets pregnant, then I'll be the first to admit I was wrong. Until then, I am not wearing the chains of fear, burden, confusion and false hope. In the same way that baby birds do not question whether they should fly or not, I am simply stepping out and flying on my own. Gosh darn it, the view from up here is pretty darn fabulous. It's pretty freaking awesome to be flying around and seeing all the different views in absolute freedom of thought.
If you are easily offended, please discontinue reading. This is your only warning. I take no responsibility for those that interpret this personally. This is my reflection.
I've learned an interesting parallel between Santa Clause and God recently. Our parents tell us this big, old man stuffs himself down our chimneys, eats the cookies we set out for him and leaves us gifts. We try to wrap our minds around this concept, can't make sense of it but believe it must be true because the rest of the world is telling us it is. Our parents even leave us fake evidence of eaten cookies and empty milk glasses. Well, telling us if we are good enough, we will receive gifts is a form of manipulation. Whether you mean to manipulate your kids for bad or good is irrelevant. Manipulation exists any time you can control someone's thought in their ignorance. Some kids who think like me ask how this Santa Clause ordeal works and when we find out the truth,we are extremely upset that everyone we knew is part of this scheme, thinking this short-lived joy somehow benefits us.
Strange how religion seems to be an adult version of the Santa Clause paradigm. The explanation of God, Ala and whoever else is believed to exist is just a complicated version of Santa to me. I will never argue with someone and say they don't know who God is or that they don't know what they're talking about, but to me, I don't think anyone really knows the truth. We like to avoid cognitive dissonance because it is harder to think about what we can't understand. We can change the dissonance by altering our perspective on a situation. There are several ways to look at one situation. You can choose to accept God because if you don't, you fear the punishment. You can accept God because you really do believe and don't question his existence. You can accept God because you feel like a respectable person by doing so. You can not accept God because it doesn't satisfy the answers to your questions. Well, it's much harder to reject the biblical teachings of God because that means you are fessing up to not understanding and you do not receive comfort in faith or have false hope.
So where do you get comfort? I never knew I would reach this place that I am at now, but the real comfort for me comes in not arguing with myself about sin, communion, worshipping the unknown, or following rules. Peace comes by not feeling conflicted with yourself by what men tell you and certainly by not fearing what scriptures instill in you. Scripture talks about those who fear God are safe. I just have to roll my eyes at that one. Why would I want to fear the creator who made me? Better yet, why would I want to return to someone I fear? That's already a psychological form of manipulation. I must fear the creator who made me. Should we fear our moms and dads? That would be unhealthy.
If the Muslims are right, I've really upset Ala. If the Catholics are right, I am going to hell for not keeping the rules. If the Mormons are right, I won't make it to the highest degree of Glory to be with my family forever. If I don't fear God, I guess he won't be very happy with me and I will be punished in some way. Goodness. I don't exactly have a beautifully painted picture of the after life. I'm probably better off not understanding any of it. How can you punish someone who just doesn't get it? Perhaps I am a "retard" in the matters of God, thereby making me a disabled soul.
Santa gives children joy through their imagination. God also represents joy as well as hope and eternal life to those who believe. If Santa starts squeezing down chimneys and a virgin gets pregnant, then I'll be the first to admit I was wrong. Until then, I am not wearing the chains of fear, burden, confusion and false hope. In the same way that baby birds do not question whether they should fly or not, I am simply stepping out and flying on my own. Gosh darn it, the view from up here is pretty darn fabulous. It's pretty freaking awesome to be flying around and seeing all the different views in absolute freedom of thought.
Saturday, February 18, 2012
Sometimes I think facebook is evil. It's a hate/love relationship I have with it. I know I spend too much time on there reading people's posts, commenting, updating. I'll get around to deleting it when I feel like making the time to back up my photos. I feel that facebook is redefining friendships. We get offended when people don't respond to our comments or "unfriend" us. Words are interpreted how we choose them to be, so anything you say can be taken the wrong way. We put our own voice to the words we read and I have found that to work against me quite a few times. I have no energy to debate or argue anymore and it truly makes me resentful when this happens. What started as a fun way to talk to my family and friends who live nowhere near me, is now a place for debates/arguments and needless "stalking." The people who matter know how to contact me and I know how to contact them. So there's no reason for facebook anymore. My family doesn't use it. Frankly, I don't know why they even have one. It is nice to peek in and take a look at their photos of what they're doing, but that takes the fun out of catching up. I'd rather have a personal invite to check out their photos. Otherwise, it's online stalking. I could probably be doing better things with my time without facebook. One less distraction from studying.
Also, more than half the people on my "friends" list don't deserve to know what's going on in my life. They make no effort to keep in touch with me, so it really does confirm that I'm just wasting time by reading what any of them are posting. It doesn't matter. I should be focusing my time and energy on people who care and love me and I love them back. I have a nice little hand full of fabulous people in my life and they are who matter. If I'm bored, that's who I should be writing to, sending a card to, or having a Skype date with. We should all be making a better effort to keep in touch with people who matter in our lives. Typing is cheap. Phone conversations are real and organic. E-mails are more personal. There's limitations on facebook with what you should post and you have to be careful with what you say. In other words, I really can't be myself on a public website like that. This one doesn't count of course. haha. The fun has slowly gone away and I don't want people I work with in my business. See what I mean about the redefining of friendships? I feel a courtesy obligation to accept friend requests from people I work with, even if I barely talk to them. That way, I don't offend someone and make things unnecessarily awkward. I'm a low maintenance gal and this is becoming a high maintenance activity. I'm pretty much over it.
Also, more than half the people on my "friends" list don't deserve to know what's going on in my life. They make no effort to keep in touch with me, so it really does confirm that I'm just wasting time by reading what any of them are posting. It doesn't matter. I should be focusing my time and energy on people who care and love me and I love them back. I have a nice little hand full of fabulous people in my life and they are who matter. If I'm bored, that's who I should be writing to, sending a card to, or having a Skype date with. We should all be making a better effort to keep in touch with people who matter in our lives. Typing is cheap. Phone conversations are real and organic. E-mails are more personal. There's limitations on facebook with what you should post and you have to be careful with what you say. In other words, I really can't be myself on a public website like that. This one doesn't count of course. haha. The fun has slowly gone away and I don't want people I work with in my business. See what I mean about the redefining of friendships? I feel a courtesy obligation to accept friend requests from people I work with, even if I barely talk to them. That way, I don't offend someone and make things unnecessarily awkward. I'm a low maintenance gal and this is becoming a high maintenance activity. I'm pretty much over it.
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