I'm back in my little, "I need to finish school" routine. In-N-Out is a good job with awesome perks and benefits. However, recently, I have had a lot of time to ponder and reflect being that I was not in school this semester. I quickly realized that In-N-Out is good for now, but it won't be good enough forever. I don't see myself retiring here. I see myself moving up as far as I can go, but eventually will want a career change. Haha. What the heck is wrong with me? I can never make up my mind.
Recently, at In-N-Out, I have been dragging on and on in the same positions not exactly being given opportunities to master my newly learned job duties which is frustrating. Day by day has passed by with plenty of ample time to ponder the future and it did cross my mind that I won't be fulfilled here for the rest of my life. My brain is just capable of more. I need to be challenged more and I am eager to learn new things. I feel that my growth here has been stunted and that isn't what I saw coming so quickly. But it did, and you know what? That's perfectly OKAY. We have to go through things in life to move onto another phase right? We have to live our lives so we can learn more about what we are capable of and what we can offer in this world.
My registration date for the summer semester is May 27. The classes I need are already closed, not surprised. There is a math class I need that is offered in a lab setting, partly online as a move at your own pace type of course. Since it is the only one that will probably be open, I'll take it. I need the class. Just get it done.
I have really been shying away from taking out school loans, but after discussing this over with a friend, it might just be worth it to do school loans to be enrolled full-time. It is super discouraging to pay for one class at a time. It makes me feel like I am wasting time. I don't know why it scares me so much to take out school loans, but it does. The idea of being in 1,000's of dollars of debt is frightening to me. But perhaps, I need to just confront the fear and commit to the debt... as scary as it seems.
I listen too much to the conspiracy theorists. Their ideas of how student loan debt is going to crash the economy freaks me out. Even more scary, that I won't find a job after school is over. THEN what do you do?
Showing posts with label Life. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Life. Show all posts
Thursday, May 15, 2014
Tuesday, February 4, 2014
I've Had It
My relationship with my parents are not good. They haven't been since the day I turned 12. That's when I started growing apart from my 'family' and not growing with them. I learned not to trust them with my feelings because they said I had no right to feel the way I was feeling. So instead of sharing my feelings, I hid them. It explains all the anger, fear and bitterness I had dwelling inside me. There was no healthy way to release them, so I got in trouble instead. Not necessarily on purpose. I was just hanging with the wrong crowd because they didn't judge me. They didn't have expectations of me that I had to measure up to. I was allowed to be angry and sad with them because they were angry and sad too for their own reasons. We were all teenagers, clueless about life with no real support in the home. This is why teenagers do drugs. Studies show this time and time again. At this point in my life though, I didn't know I was just another statistic. I only knew that I felt horrible and depressed.
But now I'm 27 years old. I have had adequate time to process my emotions and deal with them in a positive way. It's brought me to a place now where I can actually see the past as one big puzzle. All the pieces fit together and the picture is a sad one. It is a scar in me that will never be forgotten. How could I forget such a long period of my life? Fortunately, this picture is only the beginning of my life. It isn't the end of it, so I have the wonderful opportunity to take control from here on out and do what is best for me and Ron.
I have made the brave decision today to be done with my parents. I tried to have a civil conversation with my 'father' today about my feelings because he asked. I did not call him seeking to speak. He called me and wanted to know why I have been so distant. I began to talk with him, and he became angrily defensive. He still has not reached a place in his life where he can take accountability for what he has done or does do. But I was already ten steps ahead of him. I expected this behavior from him. Since he rambles on about his feelings, I had to interrupt and end the conversation abruptly. It wasn't the most polite way of ending a conversation, but, however, I did not simply just end the conversation. I ended a toxic relationship. I am officially done with him, and for now, done with my 'mother' as well. I quote the words "dad" and "mom" because I see them as caregivers, not parents.
I could write an essay about why I see them this way, but I don't have the energy to. The hurt was too deep for so many years that I have not healed completely. Speaking with them has been aggravating a wound that's been trying to heal. I realize now that I just need to not be speaking with them until it has had time to heal properly. I'm not strong enough to carry on with these imaginary relationships that I've been having with them. I finally addressed the elephant in the room that no one wanted to discuss, and it did not end well. But I was ready for it. I was afraid to face it for all this time, but I built up the courage to finally do it. Looking back, I didn't have a support group of people around me, but this time around, I have my husband, Ron. He is my support group. I can't be around poisonous people that make me feel bad. I just can't.
It's time to build myself up, gain self-esteem, feel positive about life and see the glass as half full. I'm done being hurt. I have my own life here and an amazing husband that loves me for who I really am. I did not have the privilege of growing up in a home where I felt accepted for my personality and my differences. Rather, scolded for thinking differently. So, it makes sense, that I would be done with my caregivers. It brings me back to the awful past. A past that I understand now, and truly want to move on from. I really was orphaned the day I was adopted. I understand. But it's okay. I've been my own parent all these years, and now I have a great partner I get to wake up to and go to bed with every night. I am loved deeply by another human being. I get to have true love in my life, so I am happy about that. It is a wonderful feeling to feel loved.
This world we live in makes no sense sometimes. I'm just here, living in the moment. Trying to be healthy.
But now I'm 27 years old. I have had adequate time to process my emotions and deal with them in a positive way. It's brought me to a place now where I can actually see the past as one big puzzle. All the pieces fit together and the picture is a sad one. It is a scar in me that will never be forgotten. How could I forget such a long period of my life? Fortunately, this picture is only the beginning of my life. It isn't the end of it, so I have the wonderful opportunity to take control from here on out and do what is best for me and Ron.
I have made the brave decision today to be done with my parents. I tried to have a civil conversation with my 'father' today about my feelings because he asked. I did not call him seeking to speak. He called me and wanted to know why I have been so distant. I began to talk with him, and he became angrily defensive. He still has not reached a place in his life where he can take accountability for what he has done or does do. But I was already ten steps ahead of him. I expected this behavior from him. Since he rambles on about his feelings, I had to interrupt and end the conversation abruptly. It wasn't the most polite way of ending a conversation, but, however, I did not simply just end the conversation. I ended a toxic relationship. I am officially done with him, and for now, done with my 'mother' as well. I quote the words "dad" and "mom" because I see them as caregivers, not parents.
I could write an essay about why I see them this way, but I don't have the energy to. The hurt was too deep for so many years that I have not healed completely. Speaking with them has been aggravating a wound that's been trying to heal. I realize now that I just need to not be speaking with them until it has had time to heal properly. I'm not strong enough to carry on with these imaginary relationships that I've been having with them. I finally addressed the elephant in the room that no one wanted to discuss, and it did not end well. But I was ready for it. I was afraid to face it for all this time, but I built up the courage to finally do it. Looking back, I didn't have a support group of people around me, but this time around, I have my husband, Ron. He is my support group. I can't be around poisonous people that make me feel bad. I just can't.
It's time to build myself up, gain self-esteem, feel positive about life and see the glass as half full. I'm done being hurt. I have my own life here and an amazing husband that loves me for who I really am. I did not have the privilege of growing up in a home where I felt accepted for my personality and my differences. Rather, scolded for thinking differently. So, it makes sense, that I would be done with my caregivers. It brings me back to the awful past. A past that I understand now, and truly want to move on from. I really was orphaned the day I was adopted. I understand. But it's okay. I've been my own parent all these years, and now I have a great partner I get to wake up to and go to bed with every night. I am loved deeply by another human being. I get to have true love in my life, so I am happy about that. It is a wonderful feeling to feel loved.
This world we live in makes no sense sometimes. I'm just here, living in the moment. Trying to be healthy.
Wednesday, August 28, 2013
Reality Hits
I am no longer eligible for financial aid since Ron and I together make "too much" now. Boy, they sure are getting tight with money. If we make too much then I understand the joke now about people saying, "Just have a kid. Then you'll get help." NO KIDDING... Why do those of us who make responsible choices in life get punished? If I was a single mama, I'd be gettin' all kinds of financial aid. This is a dead argument, but needed to be stated for venting purposes. I feel better already. Kinda.
Over the summer, I had to come to terms with the fact that I cannot be a full time student. I can't afford to live and go to school full time, so I will have to chip away at college even slower than I ever anticipated. This is going to be a life journey. Now that I know this, I wonder if a bachelors is even worth the investment at this point. An associate's degree might just be the only thing actually feasible. I'm going to make that my goal to get an associate's for now. It's attainable, the goal is reachable. Bachelors is goin' on the back burner. Not so confident about that anymore since financial aid is out of the question now.
People say, "Just take out loans." Umm... the subjects I enjoy studying are not worth the $50,000 loans. I really have to sit here and assess the investment, which at the rate tuition rises every year, I am more doubtful about the value of higher education as time goes on, honestly. We have a house. That's a big debt that won't be squashed any time soon. I am likely to go through at least five more cars in my life time, add that debt to the list. I'm starting to think that getting back in the work force debt-free is the smart way to go. I'm not going to school for super high paying careers, so, I need to be reasonable with debt.
Getting older for me has given me more confidence in my decisions and to do what I feel is best for me regardless of what everyone else thinks. There are many who will judge me, and will even look down on me if I don't get a bachelors degree. I have realized though that these are not people I want around me. If people are going to place my value based on what a piece of paper says about me, then good ridden to prestige. I don't welcome that into my world, ever.
I'm going to enjoy life, and that is a choice we have to make on our own because as much as we think we control life... we really don't. So roll with the punches I say... make that lemonade from those lemons life throws at ya and drink that delicious glass. Besides, what is life about? Family, friends and good food. If you have the 3 F's in life, then that's a darn good life. ;-)
Over the summer, I had to come to terms with the fact that I cannot be a full time student. I can't afford to live and go to school full time, so I will have to chip away at college even slower than I ever anticipated. This is going to be a life journey. Now that I know this, I wonder if a bachelors is even worth the investment at this point. An associate's degree might just be the only thing actually feasible. I'm going to make that my goal to get an associate's for now. It's attainable, the goal is reachable. Bachelors is goin' on the back burner. Not so confident about that anymore since financial aid is out of the question now.
People say, "Just take out loans." Umm... the subjects I enjoy studying are not worth the $50,000 loans. I really have to sit here and assess the investment, which at the rate tuition rises every year, I am more doubtful about the value of higher education as time goes on, honestly. We have a house. That's a big debt that won't be squashed any time soon. I am likely to go through at least five more cars in my life time, add that debt to the list. I'm starting to think that getting back in the work force debt-free is the smart way to go. I'm not going to school for super high paying careers, so, I need to be reasonable with debt.
Getting older for me has given me more confidence in my decisions and to do what I feel is best for me regardless of what everyone else thinks. There are many who will judge me, and will even look down on me if I don't get a bachelors degree. I have realized though that these are not people I want around me. If people are going to place my value based on what a piece of paper says about me, then good ridden to prestige. I don't welcome that into my world, ever.
I'm going to enjoy life, and that is a choice we have to make on our own because as much as we think we control life... we really don't. So roll with the punches I say... make that lemonade from those lemons life throws at ya and drink that delicious glass. Besides, what is life about? Family, friends and good food. If you have the 3 F's in life, then that's a darn good life. ;-)
Sunday, August 11, 2013
People
I know it's not good to fester in hate, but man. I'm really beginning to dislike people each day that goes by. Thankfully, this is my healthy outlet to vent and release frustration. Some customers out there are the unhappiest people I know. If you can condescend on a smiling, hard worker because you think they are worthless or whatever, your life is full of pretentious crap. Dealing with people like this takes an abnormal amount of patience and confidence in yourself to know that this person is just part of your paycheck, but at the same time, I feel like I betray myself when I allow people to talk down to me. It's enabling that behavior. I wish to be a customer one day who catches another customer acting rude so I can put them in their place. I crave that.
There was a scene in True Blood I watched a few weeks ago, in which the werewolf pack leader is talking to his dad about being a loner wolf. The dad says to his son that the pack life isn't for us, you will soon see that.
I internalized that deeply because it hit home with me. I feel the same way about people. Not only do I deal with crappy people on a daily basis, but I also notice that social circles are things I avoid. I don't enjoy hanging out in groups of people because people behave strangely when they're in a group. Someone wants to prove him/herself, one needs attention, another will compete for the attention. I have just noticed that people act differently when in a group. The last time I hung out with a "group" was in middle school. Even in high school, I did not have a group I belonged to. The loner wolf mentality began in high school in which I was friends with different people from different "groups." I never fit into a group now that I think of it.
I am content with being the loner wolf. It's peaceful and keeps drama out of my life. For many years, I believed something was wrong with me because I never seemed to fit the standards of any group or congregation. Now, I don't care and see that all the friends I have are people actually worth your time. It's not quantity, it's quality of friendship that matters to me. Hanging out with friends one on one is always more fulfilling anyway because you can connect with the person on a personal level.
On another note of people sucking, I am disappointed to find out that Life Group is stuck in the Old Testament, and preaches tithing, exactly 10%. I guess I should not be surprised. When something sounds too good to be true, it often is, and it proved true in Life Group. It amazes me how many congregations miss the principles of the New Testament, tithing is one of them. "God loves a cheerful giver," 2 Corinthians 9.
It's just me and the New Testament these days. I'm gonna have to press the pause button on looking for Christian fellowship for now. Perhaps, it is a sign that I should study alone so I can have a firm grasp on what scripture says before settling into any type of fellowship. PLUS, I still do not label myself Christian for I still question if Jesus was born of a virgin and if he is a Savior...
Once again, I believe in God because the principles of the Bible feel true in my heart. But all the supernatural stuff of it doesn't sink in my brain with confidence that I can go around claiming I am a Christian. I'm a "Christ follower" without the Christian title. I really do talk the talk and walk the walk of a loner wolf.
I cannot be labeled. I do not fit in with groups of people, and I am starting to enjoy it. It just makes me more self-sufficient. I don't need to fit in to have a relationship with God. If I've learned anything by stepping away from religion, it is just that. You can have a relationship with God. You don't need a label, and you do not need to be part of a congregation.
You are loved just the way you are.
There was a scene in True Blood I watched a few weeks ago, in which the werewolf pack leader is talking to his dad about being a loner wolf. The dad says to his son that the pack life isn't for us, you will soon see that.
I internalized that deeply because it hit home with me. I feel the same way about people. Not only do I deal with crappy people on a daily basis, but I also notice that social circles are things I avoid. I don't enjoy hanging out in groups of people because people behave strangely when they're in a group. Someone wants to prove him/herself, one needs attention, another will compete for the attention. I have just noticed that people act differently when in a group. The last time I hung out with a "group" was in middle school. Even in high school, I did not have a group I belonged to. The loner wolf mentality began in high school in which I was friends with different people from different "groups." I never fit into a group now that I think of it.
I am content with being the loner wolf. It's peaceful and keeps drama out of my life. For many years, I believed something was wrong with me because I never seemed to fit the standards of any group or congregation. Now, I don't care and see that all the friends I have are people actually worth your time. It's not quantity, it's quality of friendship that matters to me. Hanging out with friends one on one is always more fulfilling anyway because you can connect with the person on a personal level.
On another note of people sucking, I am disappointed to find out that Life Group is stuck in the Old Testament, and preaches tithing, exactly 10%. I guess I should not be surprised. When something sounds too good to be true, it often is, and it proved true in Life Group. It amazes me how many congregations miss the principles of the New Testament, tithing is one of them. "God loves a cheerful giver," 2 Corinthians 9.
It's just me and the New Testament these days. I'm gonna have to press the pause button on looking for Christian fellowship for now. Perhaps, it is a sign that I should study alone so I can have a firm grasp on what scripture says before settling into any type of fellowship. PLUS, I still do not label myself Christian for I still question if Jesus was born of a virgin and if he is a Savior...
Once again, I believe in God because the principles of the Bible feel true in my heart. But all the supernatural stuff of it doesn't sink in my brain with confidence that I can go around claiming I am a Christian. I'm a "Christ follower" without the Christian title. I really do talk the talk and walk the walk of a loner wolf.
I cannot be labeled. I do not fit in with groups of people, and I am starting to enjoy it. It just makes me more self-sufficient. I don't need to fit in to have a relationship with God. If I've learned anything by stepping away from religion, it is just that. You can have a relationship with God. You don't need a label, and you do not need to be part of a congregation.
You are loved just the way you are.
Wednesday, April 10, 2013
Sleep is Good
This has been a much better week. I traded shifts with someone so I could go to bed early last night, and that has helped me so much. I was able to get a lot done today, and now I can hammer through tomorrow's busy day. A little tweak in my schedule was the difference between rest and no sleep.
School can be extremely frustrating. The student life is not glamorous in any sense of the imagination. You work for peanuts to pay bills and then use up the rest of your time for homework and preparing for exams. I just hope all of this is worth it. I watched all my friends go through college, and not all of them got the jobs they wanted right away. One of them even worked for FREE for two years living at home until she could get into the position she trained for! But regardless of what happens after the degree, you're still better off WITH it even if your options are harder to come by because of the economy.
One thing I have learned about myself is that my independent personality has not changed since I was a little girl. I still want a career. I want to be able to take care of myself and not financially rely on someone else for everything. It's still in me, that little 12 year old girl seeking adventure and freedom. I'm starting to understand who I am now, and what I need to do to be fulfilled. I admire women with careers who have the financial freedom to travel the world and help others. They develop skills that help them make an impact in the world. For example, leading a company's finances can give you the power to influence that company to donate some of their profit to non-profits. I can't imagine how rewarding that must be to make an impact like that. Some day I will though. I really look forward to that part of my life, which is why I am embracing my age as it comes. It just gets me closer and closer to my goals.
One day at a time.
School can be extremely frustrating. The student life is not glamorous in any sense of the imagination. You work for peanuts to pay bills and then use up the rest of your time for homework and preparing for exams. I just hope all of this is worth it. I watched all my friends go through college, and not all of them got the jobs they wanted right away. One of them even worked for FREE for two years living at home until she could get into the position she trained for! But regardless of what happens after the degree, you're still better off WITH it even if your options are harder to come by because of the economy.
One thing I have learned about myself is that my independent personality has not changed since I was a little girl. I still want a career. I want to be able to take care of myself and not financially rely on someone else for everything. It's still in me, that little 12 year old girl seeking adventure and freedom. I'm starting to understand who I am now, and what I need to do to be fulfilled. I admire women with careers who have the financial freedom to travel the world and help others. They develop skills that help them make an impact in the world. For example, leading a company's finances can give you the power to influence that company to donate some of their profit to non-profits. I can't imagine how rewarding that must be to make an impact like that. Some day I will though. I really look forward to that part of my life, which is why I am embracing my age as it comes. It just gets me closer and closer to my goals.
One day at a time.
Friday, March 29, 2013
Blah
I'm beginning to stay later at work since I am training to move up. I don't mind right now since it's spring break, but I don't know how this is going to go when I return to school next week. Getting home at 2:30AM and having a 9:30AM class the next day... is gonna catch up. I only have eight weeks left of this semester though, so I'm not sure it's worth it to re-arrange my schedule. Working the night shift guarantees my hours since very few people want to work nights.
I've reached a point right now where I am questioning what the hell I am doing in school. It's my age, and working so much simultaneously that is making me feel like I have no life. I know this is temporary but damn, this is a temporary situation that drags on day by day. I'm better off with the degree than without it, but man, I'm feeling the wear and tear on my body. I would've been a good slave back in the day.
Also, I'm struggling with my identity right now because I am relying on my husband for a lot of things since I've committed myself to being a full time student. I make less money than I ever have before and I am not independent like I used to be. It's hard for me to rely so much on someone else because I never have in the past. I was always the sugar mama, and so I feel like I am losing myself in the process of going to school. I don't like depending on another person for anything, and perhaps I feel like I do not have control like I would if I was supporting myself like I always did.
I went from having my own apartment and supporting my boyfriend to being a domesticated wife whose husband pays a majority of the bills. It's not like I'm sitting around collecting his money and spending it on myself, but still... it makes me feel like a little girl again and I really don't like that feeling. My husband doesn't mind supporting me and helping me accomplish my goal of getting school done, but it's just hard all across the board. All the money I make goes to school and bills. I can't go out with friends. I can't go shopping. And it will be this way for a few more years. I'm just a bit frustrated right now because I feel locked in a cage, riding out my prison time. Not an easy thing for a woman who is basically a wild horse... never was the tame type. I'm a bit worried how much longer I can be locked up in a cage without going crazy.
I keep telling myself this will all be worth it when it's over. I just hope my batteries last.
I've reached a point right now where I am questioning what the hell I am doing in school. It's my age, and working so much simultaneously that is making me feel like I have no life. I know this is temporary but damn, this is a temporary situation that drags on day by day. I'm better off with the degree than without it, but man, I'm feeling the wear and tear on my body. I would've been a good slave back in the day.
Also, I'm struggling with my identity right now because I am relying on my husband for a lot of things since I've committed myself to being a full time student. I make less money than I ever have before and I am not independent like I used to be. It's hard for me to rely so much on someone else because I never have in the past. I was always the sugar mama, and so I feel like I am losing myself in the process of going to school. I don't like depending on another person for anything, and perhaps I feel like I do not have control like I would if I was supporting myself like I always did.
I went from having my own apartment and supporting my boyfriend to being a domesticated wife whose husband pays a majority of the bills. It's not like I'm sitting around collecting his money and spending it on myself, but still... it makes me feel like a little girl again and I really don't like that feeling. My husband doesn't mind supporting me and helping me accomplish my goal of getting school done, but it's just hard all across the board. All the money I make goes to school and bills. I can't go out with friends. I can't go shopping. And it will be this way for a few more years. I'm just a bit frustrated right now because I feel locked in a cage, riding out my prison time. Not an easy thing for a woman who is basically a wild horse... never was the tame type. I'm a bit worried how much longer I can be locked up in a cage without going crazy.
I keep telling myself this will all be worth it when it's over. I just hope my batteries last.
Wednesday, February 13, 2013
Elizabeth Hess
A.k.a "Grandma Hess"
She passed away this week, and as much as I'd like to feel something, I don't.
I did not attend the funeral today. It was in Utah and I have school. The whole situation is a bit awkward for me because I never had a relationship with her since I turned 12 years old. The summer I turned 12, she told me she wanted to talk to me alone and had me follow her into the basement. She pulled my arm and told me to look her in the eyes. Once she felt she had my full attention with eye contact, she said, "I am not your Grandma. You are not my Granddaughter. I do not love you." She walked away, went upstairs and closed the door behind her, leaving me alone and confused.
After that, I did not go to Utah anymore to visit my grandparents when my family took family vacations to go to Utah and visit "my grandparents" (mom's parents). It was made known to me that she took down all photos of me, and told people she has four grandkids, not five.
Well, I'm 26 years old now, and over the years, I got over her immaturity and inexcusable behavior for an adult. I stopped caring when I got to high school, and I never put myself in a situation to have conversation with her. I've seen her here and there over the last few years when I went to Utah, and have even said hi to her, and smiled.
So you'll have to pardon my lack of emotional response. The only thing sad about her death is the way she died. She died a miserable person, who did not make peace with anyone. She was angry with the entire family before she passed. I was disgusted to see on facebook a photo posted that stated, "You were an amazing woman that will be loved and missed by your grandkids!" I had to untag myself from that because that would be a big, fat lie on my part going along with that. Whatever experiences my little sister had with her were not mine, and so I will opt out of the positivity on this one.
I do not know the woman they speak of and talk so nicely about. I do not know her to be a kind person. "Grandma" Elizabeth Hess was not my Grandma, but merely ended up being an acquaintance to me over the last fourteen years.
To this day, I still do not know why she hated me or chose not to love me or know me. With that said, I have learned to move on, and just in case she's being held at the gates of heaven waiting on my forgiveness, I forgive her. But I can't make the calls on where she ends up after that. Chief Massasoit taught me that it only hurts yourself when you hold onto anger. The benefit is not in what you naturally feel, but what you fight against. So I fought anger and bitterness for a long time until I realized that it was taking energy to care. Once I stopped caring, I became a lot happier.
Since my only attachment to this person is through my family, the only thing I can honestly say about her passing is, "Rest in peace."
She passed away this week, and as much as I'd like to feel something, I don't.
I did not attend the funeral today. It was in Utah and I have school. The whole situation is a bit awkward for me because I never had a relationship with her since I turned 12 years old. The summer I turned 12, she told me she wanted to talk to me alone and had me follow her into the basement. She pulled my arm and told me to look her in the eyes. Once she felt she had my full attention with eye contact, she said, "I am not your Grandma. You are not my Granddaughter. I do not love you." She walked away, went upstairs and closed the door behind her, leaving me alone and confused.
After that, I did not go to Utah anymore to visit my grandparents when my family took family vacations to go to Utah and visit "my grandparents" (mom's parents). It was made known to me that she took down all photos of me, and told people she has four grandkids, not five.
Well, I'm 26 years old now, and over the years, I got over her immaturity and inexcusable behavior for an adult. I stopped caring when I got to high school, and I never put myself in a situation to have conversation with her. I've seen her here and there over the last few years when I went to Utah, and have even said hi to her, and smiled.
So you'll have to pardon my lack of emotional response. The only thing sad about her death is the way she died. She died a miserable person, who did not make peace with anyone. She was angry with the entire family before she passed. I was disgusted to see on facebook a photo posted that stated, "You were an amazing woman that will be loved and missed by your grandkids!" I had to untag myself from that because that would be a big, fat lie on my part going along with that. Whatever experiences my little sister had with her were not mine, and so I will opt out of the positivity on this one.
I do not know the woman they speak of and talk so nicely about. I do not know her to be a kind person. "Grandma" Elizabeth Hess was not my Grandma, but merely ended up being an acquaintance to me over the last fourteen years.
To this day, I still do not know why she hated me or chose not to love me or know me. With that said, I have learned to move on, and just in case she's being held at the gates of heaven waiting on my forgiveness, I forgive her. But I can't make the calls on where she ends up after that. Chief Massasoit taught me that it only hurts yourself when you hold onto anger. The benefit is not in what you naturally feel, but what you fight against. So I fought anger and bitterness for a long time until I realized that it was taking energy to care. Once I stopped caring, I became a lot happier.
Since my only attachment to this person is through my family, the only thing I can honestly say about her passing is, "Rest in peace."
Tuesday, December 11, 2012
Thursday, November 8, 2012
Spiritual Enlightenment
Who is the Creator? I don't know. I have been experiencing a spiritual roller coaster since I was aware I was living on the planet Earth. I have struggled with not understanding the concepts of Christianity, regardless of what denomination I was researching. Recently, I have let go of trying to figure it out, and have put to rest my questions on who the creator is and what my part in life brings to the world. There are many who might feel sad at the thought of not knowing the answers to these questions, and how lonely it must feel. Subsequently, I would have to agree that it is very lonely. I do feel alone right now in the sense that I do not know my purpose here, only that I am making it up as I go. I am attracted to spiritual teachings, but I fail to understand the concept of many of them. Although I do not understand my purpose here, I am trying to make a purpose for myself in this life by feeding off the energy my relationships with people bring, reading quotes of wisdom left by our ancient ancestors, and challenging myself to be a better human being.
One of the ways I find purpose in my life is by fulfilling a spiritual part in me when my relationships with people are genuine, sincere, and meaningful. When I walk away from spending time with a friend or rekindling a friendship, I just light up inside. I feel happy that there are people who enjoy me and I enjoy them. Good friendships bring more than just happiness into my life though. For instance, a girlfriend of mine has been struggling with a recent engagement break up in which her family is acting cold towards her because they do not feel she is handling it the way they think she should. Without her family's help and support in this part of her life, I have been able to talk with her, and listen to how she feels. I know she has been very grateful that she has someone she can talk to about this, since everyone else has no patience to lend an ear about the matter anymore. Through my own personal struggles with family through my own mistakes that I have made, I feel that I have been able to make a difference in her life by being a friend that isn't criticizing her choices or making her feel badly because of her struggles. Instead, I feel as if I am this cuddly bear she can sit with to comfort her. As a result, I am seeing her progress through this dark place in her life, not because of me, but because I am walking by her side through this transition into a happier place in her life. That makes me feel that I have served a purpose in her life which makes this relationship meaningful to me, and shows me what kind of person I am choosing to be. Instead of focusing on what my purpose is, my friendships help me focus on the purpose of wanting to live.
Another way I find purpose in my life is through reading stories with messages or quotes of wisdom meant to inspire or help people. The Native American values have become my primary source of information to check my behavior in accordance with theirs. Their way of thinking is important to me because it reminds me of what I should be doing. For example, an old Cherokee legend about two wolves explains an important message of the spirit each of us have. I will tell the story here.
One of the ways I find purpose in my life is by fulfilling a spiritual part in me when my relationships with people are genuine, sincere, and meaningful. When I walk away from spending time with a friend or rekindling a friendship, I just light up inside. I feel happy that there are people who enjoy me and I enjoy them. Good friendships bring more than just happiness into my life though. For instance, a girlfriend of mine has been struggling with a recent engagement break up in which her family is acting cold towards her because they do not feel she is handling it the way they think she should. Without her family's help and support in this part of her life, I have been able to talk with her, and listen to how she feels. I know she has been very grateful that she has someone she can talk to about this, since everyone else has no patience to lend an ear about the matter anymore. Through my own personal struggles with family through my own mistakes that I have made, I feel that I have been able to make a difference in her life by being a friend that isn't criticizing her choices or making her feel badly because of her struggles. Instead, I feel as if I am this cuddly bear she can sit with to comfort her. As a result, I am seeing her progress through this dark place in her life, not because of me, but because I am walking by her side through this transition into a happier place in her life. That makes me feel that I have served a purpose in her life which makes this relationship meaningful to me, and shows me what kind of person I am choosing to be. Instead of focusing on what my purpose is, my friendships help me focus on the purpose of wanting to live.
Another way I find purpose in my life is through reading stories with messages or quotes of wisdom meant to inspire or help people. The Native American values have become my primary source of information to check my behavior in accordance with theirs. Their way of thinking is important to me because it reminds me of what I should be doing. For example, an old Cherokee legend about two wolves explains an important message of the spirit each of us have. I will tell the story here.
An old Cherokee is teaching his grandson about life.
"A fight is going on inside me," he said to the boy." It is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves. One is evil - he is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego."
He continued, "The other is good - he is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith. The same fight is going on inside you - and inside every other person, too."
The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather, "Which wolf will win?"
The old Cherokee simply replied, "The one you feed."
I don't know a human being alive who does not struggle with which wolf to feed at times. This Cherokee legend reminds me that I have to feed the good wolf to keep that spirit alive in me. The good spirit only dies if I let it. When I begin to feel the emotions of anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed or any of those unpleasant emotions, I know I need to fight those feelings to get the better side of me. I also find myself listening to the message of Little Hawk over and over again to invite the spirit into my life. Here is the link, Little Hawk, where you can breathe in his insightful words too. It is an important part of my life now to read the messages and knowledge of our ancient ancestors because we live in a world now where it is far too easy to disconnect with what is real. Their words guide me to recognize the spirit, and listen to it when I am aware of its presence.
When I listen to the presence of the spirit, I take an opportunity to become a better person. Sometimes, the right thing to do is not the easy thing to do. For example, when someone cuts me off on the highway, I feed the bad wolf by cussing up a storm in the car, honking my horn profusely, and possibly even throwing the middle finger in there. It is much more difficult to stay calm, and ignore their irresponsible driving. Immediately after I calm down, I realize that it was a waste of energy to get myself worked up in the heat of the moment. It did not serve me well. What does serve me well is when I manage to get by with rolling my eyes, a big sigh, and pushing it to the back of my mind. The only person it hurts to be angry is me, meanwhile, the stupid driver is happily driving ahead not giving me a second thought. If we take this a step further, and analyze road rage, what could happen to me if I kept feeding the bad wolf in this situation? Maybe the gun would come out next time. So this may seem like a small challenge, but small challenges can lead to bigger problems if we do not handle them well. By challenging myself to make the right choice in my daily struggles, I become a better person by practicing patience. Having patience also makes me feel alive, and brings meaning into my life because I feel in control. If I do not have control of myself, then someone else will, and I will not be able to find a purpose in living if my freedom is gone.
By practicing self-control, I become more like the people I admire. I can feel the good spirit inside. Feeling the spirit strengthens my relationship with others. In addition, being guided by the spirit the Natives talk about help me make the right choices. When I practice this way of life, good people come my way. Having that sense of community around me has been crucial to my happiness here. It is because of how I choose to live my life that the kind of people I respect cross my path. My relationships are a reflection of me, because there must be some common ground to form a bond. When I take a step back and look at my friends, I know I walk on a good and balanced path. I have a community around me in all places of this world who are all so different from each other in what they believe, but not in what they practice. They are kind to others, and care about the people in their life. It is in my friendships that I am able to see the joys life can bring to me. I cannot appreciate the glass being half full if I spend my time being angry about the half that is empty. In other words, by focusing my energy on unanswered questions I have, it influences me to focus on the evil of this world. However, if I stop being angry about what I cannot understand, I am influenced to enjoy the beauty, peace and good people of this world.
Sunday, June 19, 2011
In-N-Out
...is one of my FAVORITE places to eat ever since I was first introduced to it 3 years ago when I moved to California! And now, I am working there. :o) I just completed my first week today and I am enjoying it! I worked as a waitress in the Circular Dining Room at Hotel Hershey for 2 years. Then I worked with dogs for about 4 years. I love the fast pace environment and missed the interaction with people. Now I'm back and it's a million times better because the company is a wonderful place to work for! They have created an admirable foundation and very respectful mission. The President is the grand daughter of the original owners Harry and Esther. Harry and Esther are a Christian family and so Lyndsi, the granddaughter and current President is also Christian and has a ministry in Africa. She donates a portion of the money In-N-Out brings to that ministry as well as the In-N-Out Foundation for children who are abused.
If that's not already awesome by itself, she believes in maintaining the tradition of her grandparents, uncle and father (all who were Presidents of the company at one time). These traditions are to have everything fresh. The tomatoes, onions, lettuce and burgers are delivered almost daily. They have their own butchers to make sure they get the best meat. It is not processed or even frozen! You are literally eating the cow a few days after it is butchered! So quality is a priority here. They will never take shortcuts or do what is convenient and get the most out of paying the least. They are not interested in cutting expenses by reducing quality or wages of their employees. And because they are not a franchise, they are able to pay us well and the managers make as much money as a person of a high position would make at some company ($80,000 - $200,000!!) We have all the benefits, paid holidays, vacation, sick days, personal leave, retirement plan, work events. I was so impressed with the orientation videos.
Their Christian values make this place a wonderful atmosphere to be in. People are happy. We all work together, not against each other. The managers have all started from the ground up (where I'm at - level one associate). There are 8 levels and then management. Their managers are not hired from the outside, doesn't matter what education you have. All of our upper management did the grunt work first, so there are no unrealistic expectations or stuck-up jack@$$es walking around and slamming us for ridiculous things. Yes, we have regional managers come in to check cleanliness of the store, quality and friendliness but they actually come in and work WITH us dressed in uniform. They don't bark orders or act like tyrants. They get in there and do the work with us and THEN we are reviewed on how we work. I've worked for places where these people walk in, take a 30 minute run through of the building and make up their decision. Nope. Not here! They spend the day with us working and then they evaluate how we do.
We get almost weekly feedbacks on our performance so that we know what we are doing well and what we need to work on. Their approach is caring and they want us to succeed, so they give us suggestions on how we can improve. There is so much communication and plenty of upper levels and management around that there is no time for gossip or drama. They've created an atmosphere that makes that impossible.
I had a great feedback review yesterday and I was told that I am very impressive with customer interaction and am learning fast. They appreciate my enthusiasm to be here and that is the key to success in any job. You must take pride in it to be taken seriously and have the ambition to grow. I am so happy here! I know it's just the beginning but I love the fast pace. This type of work isn't for everyone. I get to work for one of my favorite places to eat, and have the opportunity to grow in a company with Christian leaders who give back to the community! And I get TONS of words of affirmations from my co-workers. I really feel blessed. I still plan on going back to school in the fall because it has been a goal of mine to complete an education, but I have a feeling I'll stay with In-N-Out. 2 of my managers have degrees and have stayed here because:
A) it pays well
B) job security
C) there are many fun work events and perks to enjoy by working here
Nobody has been laid off during this depression and revenue at this family owned chain has not gone down a cent! Meanwhile, some of their friends have been laid off.
Whatever the future holds for me, I am excited for it!
Now off I go to have dinner with Ron, Pop, Lyle and Cole. :) The lovely in-laws!
Now off I go to have dinner with Ron, Pop, Lyle and Cole. :) The lovely in-laws!
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