Mothers Day

Happy?...Mothers Day.

Hm.

I have some mixed feelings about this. I didn't even remember it was Mother's Day until Art called and asked what Ron and I had planned for the day. So I called and said, "Happy Mothers Day" simply because I am trying to move forward and forget the past. It was a hard phone call to make that brought up some bitter feelings. I'm not angry anymore. I've let the anger go, but the bitterness is still there. The wound has turned into a scab, and it is quite itchy. So yes, I am still bothered by things from the past that happened between us because there has never been a real discussion about it to help me get closure from really bad decisions that were made on both ends. So by me making that phone call every year, I'm attempting to barry the hatch and forget about talking about any of it. But it is a very difficult thing for me to do. I feel phony when I'm calling to say, "Happy Mothers Day!" because I have some raw emotions that don't feel happy to say that. Even sadder, I have to force myself to say, "I love you" back.

Obviously, I won't go into details here about our relationship because I should not embarrass my mother like that. But that should tell you something... our relationship was that bad that I can't even write about it here for anyone else to read.

To put it mildly, I left home feeling inadequate, insecure, threatened by others, and just plain old not good enough for anyone or anything. I felt like a human being undeserving of life. There was an era in my childhood where I prayed for death to find me. I've never heard of anyone praying to God to die except Jesus when he was on the cross when he could not hold on any longer. That makes me realize how serious those emotions are and what I went through at that time would obviously take years to repair those emotions.

Fast forward nine years into the future, here I am today. I've been breaking down those walls little by little and am chipping away slowly into being myself and being okay with who I am. Now I accept myself, and I am more honest in my thoughts, and allow myself to be a human being. I accept my imperfections, but look for opportunities to be better. I try to capitalize on any moment that takes me a step further away from the past. Nine years of that, you can bet I am very different from back then.

It made me smile the other day when a co-worker of mine said behind my back (in a good way) to another co-worker, "Don't ask Ana that. She would never do drugs."

If I'm giving off that vibe to people, I really have turned a new leaf. Perhaps, that was the positive reinforcement I needed to see that I am progressing. I am getting further away from the darkness that resides in me.

Of course, my dark sense of humor chuckles on the inside, "You really don't know me then do you." ;-)

Grateful

Today, I am thinking about everything I am grateful for in my life.

Jessica and I were talking about Ron, marriage and dating. My family loves him. Jessica even made an announcement last night to talk about how much she appreciates him being in the family. It made me think about all the great qualities he has, and how lucky I am to have such a great man. His loyalty, integrity, selflessness and giving character are noble characteristics that are hard to come by. I feel so proud to have made the decision to marry him. He is marriage material and I knew it from day one. It is still true to this day. I followed my gut and I am happy I did.

I am really grateful to have a house. Never in my wildest imagination did I think I could have a house. I have a place for friends and family to stay and visit. It is so nice to be able to host for people I love and care about. I didn't see that coming so soon in my life, but it did. I am so lucky.

I have pets that I love and adore. They bring a lot of joy into my life and they too are grateful for me. I can tell by the way they behave and respond to our discipline. They like to follow me around the house too.

I am really enjoying my job. I work with some great people and my managers are easy to get along with. For once, my work environment is stable, secure and has its fun days. I couldn't ask for anything more. I've gone through so many terrible managers, awful people and loads of drama. It is a huge relief to be in a work environment where I am comfortable and don't mind going to work. Plus, I just recently got a raise and am continuing to move up the ranks. I see a future here for myself.

I am going to college. Even though it's hard right now and I'm struggling through it, I have the privilege to go to college and learn. I love how our campus organizes events for students to help us in as many ways as they can. I'm thankful for financial aid.

I am happy to have a great, reliable car. Even though filling it up with gas sucks some money out of your wallet, at least I can manage and get to where I need to go.

Having a husband, a house, a car, pets, a good job and the opportunity to go to school are all privileges.

I am living a privileged life.

There is much to be happy about and I wanted to acknowledge that again so I never forget.