Self Reflection

I am starting to stray further and further away from Christianity. This realization has been developing over the last several months. I am rejecting the biblical explaination of creation now and have recently been able to put to rest my guilt of not understanding "the plan." I have finally come to the conclusion that if I can't make sense of religion, perhaps it just doesn't make sense at all. And I rest my case.

It has been comforting to have good friends who are non-religious that I see are good, honest people. I am not saying religious people aren't. I am simply saying it has been a true comfort to have friends that are not religious who are happy people too. It is what made me realize that I don't have to believe in the biblical explaination of the Creator to be happy or true to myself. It's been a lot easier now to get through life without the burden of never living up to the expectations of church, any church. This doesn't mean I don't have morals or standards. It means that I choose not to follow anyone's lead on how I should think, act or talk. I make those decisions for myself and I choose to be good because I want to be. At the same time, I have accepted I am not perfect and if there is heaven after this life, whoever God is will know my heart and intentions. That thought no longer makes me worry. It's funny how I worried more when I was attending church. Now I feel less stressed about my future because I don't need to overanalyze my beliefs or differences from others beliefs anymore.

My world view is completely different. Any teaching that brings a good feeling of honesty, optimism, wisdom or strength are values I hold dearly. That can be from any person, place or thing. A lot of my peace is coming from being outside and listening to birds chirp, watching squirrels play, watching the wind blow the palm tree leaves slowly, hearing the ocean, admiring nature in general. I am no longer upset for not understanding who created the earth or how it was done. That stuff just doesn't matter to me anymore because I will never get a solid, black and white answer that everyone can agree on. What does matter is how I feel about it and how I interpret this world because that directly effects me. Admiring nature and appreciating the beauty of it has taught me quite a few lessons that I would never have learned in a church or group setting. Much of what I learn is when I am alone in self-reflection outside where it is quiet and I can get lost in the universe.

An interesting thing happened to me several weeks ago that I consider very spiritual but I want to document this here because it is something I always wish to remember. This year was such a struggle for me and I was having a very hard time adapting to change. When I came up North in early June to visit friends, I attended a birthday party. A monarch butterfly was hovering over our picnic tables fluttering in circles from the time that I arrived until I had left. I didn't read into it much but thought that it was a beautiful touch to the day. The next day, I went to visit another friend of mine, and as I was in their yard reading, I saw another monarch butterfly fluttering by onto a nearby tree. It stayed there long enough for me to understand this was a message. I sat there for several minutes thinking about what a butterfly represents. It came very fast that butterflies represent change. It was at that moment, that I began to deeply reflect on change and how a butterfly is showing me that it isn't always bad. Nothing stays the same. Everything is moving, growing and evolving in some way. And then I came to the understanding that the beginning journey of a butterfly is rough at first. Times can be trying, but every phase is a segment in time. It will pass and I will turn the corner to another phase that will eventually bring me joy. I suddenly felt compelled to view the world as one big mess of a place that will also not be the same forever. I may not be able to change it, but I can still find joy. And it was in that thought that I gained the freedom of a butterfly.

Summer School

I head off to San Jose this Sunday to attend summer school at De Anza College for six weeks. I'm trying to speed up the process of getting my 60 units done to transfer. I've decided to buckle down as a full time student beginning fall semester. I'm taking social psychology and public speaking this summer. I plan to take Spanish, English and whatever life science I can get for the fall. Ron has been tutoring me in math so I don't have to waste my time and money taking math courses that don't count for unit transfers. This is what happens when you don't go to school for so long. You forget basic math skills. Better now than never though!

I have to say, I am very happy that I waited this long to go to school. I've had eight years of working meaningless jobs so I take this very seriously now. I have been researching different career options for the last couple of years now and I believe psychology is the right choice for me. I love the subject and I am eager to help people. I was a troubled human being for a long time so if we just get me educated, I will have both the experience of being depressed and the knowledge to help others get out of it. There's no way I would have made this kind of decision at age 18. I wouldn't have had the confidence or self esteem yet to discover that I can help other people deal with the issues that I was experiencing at that time. I was too young to know that I could be capable of something like this. I have quite a few friends who are in the working world now that aren't satisfied with their jobs and it's too late. They can't go back to college now and redo their bachelors. I am super grateful that I did take my time, suffer big, learn some lessons and now have a better understanding of what school has to offer me. Eight years of settling for whatever means I will not settle for anything in college either just to get out and be done. It has to mean something. I can't waste my time there. Eight years have gone by and however long it takes to get to where I will be happy is worth the time put into it. I can struggle for the rest of my life or I can struggle for a limited amount of time to get somewhere better for the remaining part of my life. School is just a segment in time. It isn't forever. Although it may feel like it... it isn't.

I am going to miss Ron. I'll be gone for six weeks! I am so lucky to have such supportive friends and family who want to help me succeed. I really am. I feel blessed. Life isn't so bad. It's great to have a sunshine view of my life now. I escaped the dark, thunder cloud that remained over my head for far too long. Only good things can come out of such a troubled past. I can be an example to others who fear they can't escape.