Whoops. I wasn't exactly dairy free the last few weeks. Ron and I went out to Happy Hour in Hillcrest and ate fried mac and cheese balls. Then at work, I put some creamer in the coffee on the days that I did not bring my own pre-mixed coffee blend. I am also starting to wonder about eggs and if there is a problem with eating eggs, knowing they are not fertilized.
However, as I sit here and think about it some more, the way I am trying to eat is about not promoting farmed animals. So if I do buy the eggs, then I am still supporting the farm that slaughters animals for food. The point of plant-based eating is to be independent of animals. But I wonder, if I have my own chickens to lay eggs, is that wrong? Then I really know it's truly organic and harm free. I do not even need a rooster so that I know for sure the eggs are unfertilized. Hm. Food for thought...
I just want to make sure I am doing the right thing for myself and what is best for the planet and all creatures inhabiting it. I'm not sure that I even want my own chickens because I have been told they poop everywhere. I don't want my nice patio being chicken pooped on everywhere, and then I'll have to feed them and coop them up. But if they are being cooped up, they aren't cage free then are they? Goes back to the whole farming thing...
You know, it just becomes less conflictual for me if I simply don't eat animal products. I don't have to worry about the suffering behind it if I just stay organic and plant-based. However, I am not perfect by any means. I still mess up sometimes by not having the alternate dairy option readily available for where I am in that particular moment. I don't always make the right choice to abstain from an appetizer that someone else bought. I'm still learning how to be completely independent of animals. This is a journey. However, I am proud to say I got the meat part down. It's easy to deny that now.
Sounds like I'll actually need a purse now for my snacks while on the road. I dislike purses, but if it means the difference between choosing poorly out of convenience than to choose clean eating, I guess I will just have to find a way to embrace it.
Sunday, February 16, 2014
Tuesday, February 4, 2014
I've Had It
My relationship with my parents are not good. They haven't been since the day I turned 12. That's when I started growing apart from my 'family' and not growing with them. I learned not to trust them with my feelings because they said I had no right to feel the way I was feeling. So instead of sharing my feelings, I hid them. It explains all the anger, fear and bitterness I had dwelling inside me. There was no healthy way to release them, so I got in trouble instead. Not necessarily on purpose. I was just hanging with the wrong crowd because they didn't judge me. They didn't have expectations of me that I had to measure up to. I was allowed to be angry and sad with them because they were angry and sad too for their own reasons. We were all teenagers, clueless about life with no real support in the home. This is why teenagers do drugs. Studies show this time and time again. At this point in my life though, I didn't know I was just another statistic. I only knew that I felt horrible and depressed.
But now I'm 27 years old. I have had adequate time to process my emotions and deal with them in a positive way. It's brought me to a place now where I can actually see the past as one big puzzle. All the pieces fit together and the picture is a sad one. It is a scar in me that will never be forgotten. How could I forget such a long period of my life? Fortunately, this picture is only the beginning of my life. It isn't the end of it, so I have the wonderful opportunity to take control from here on out and do what is best for me and Ron.
I have made the brave decision today to be done with my parents. I tried to have a civil conversation with my 'father' today about my feelings because he asked. I did not call him seeking to speak. He called me and wanted to know why I have been so distant. I began to talk with him, and he became angrily defensive. He still has not reached a place in his life where he can take accountability for what he has done or does do. But I was already ten steps ahead of him. I expected this behavior from him. Since he rambles on about his feelings, I had to interrupt and end the conversation abruptly. It wasn't the most polite way of ending a conversation, but, however, I did not simply just end the conversation. I ended a toxic relationship. I am officially done with him, and for now, done with my 'mother' as well. I quote the words "dad" and "mom" because I see them as caregivers, not parents.
I could write an essay about why I see them this way, but I don't have the energy to. The hurt was too deep for so many years that I have not healed completely. Speaking with them has been aggravating a wound that's been trying to heal. I realize now that I just need to not be speaking with them until it has had time to heal properly. I'm not strong enough to carry on with these imaginary relationships that I've been having with them. I finally addressed the elephant in the room that no one wanted to discuss, and it did not end well. But I was ready for it. I was afraid to face it for all this time, but I built up the courage to finally do it. Looking back, I didn't have a support group of people around me, but this time around, I have my husband, Ron. He is my support group. I can't be around poisonous people that make me feel bad. I just can't.
It's time to build myself up, gain self-esteem, feel positive about life and see the glass as half full. I'm done being hurt. I have my own life here and an amazing husband that loves me for who I really am. I did not have the privilege of growing up in a home where I felt accepted for my personality and my differences. Rather, scolded for thinking differently. So, it makes sense, that I would be done with my caregivers. It brings me back to the awful past. A past that I understand now, and truly want to move on from. I really was orphaned the day I was adopted. I understand. But it's okay. I've been my own parent all these years, and now I have a great partner I get to wake up to and go to bed with every night. I am loved deeply by another human being. I get to have true love in my life, so I am happy about that. It is a wonderful feeling to feel loved.
This world we live in makes no sense sometimes. I'm just here, living in the moment. Trying to be healthy.
But now I'm 27 years old. I have had adequate time to process my emotions and deal with them in a positive way. It's brought me to a place now where I can actually see the past as one big puzzle. All the pieces fit together and the picture is a sad one. It is a scar in me that will never be forgotten. How could I forget such a long period of my life? Fortunately, this picture is only the beginning of my life. It isn't the end of it, so I have the wonderful opportunity to take control from here on out and do what is best for me and Ron.
I have made the brave decision today to be done with my parents. I tried to have a civil conversation with my 'father' today about my feelings because he asked. I did not call him seeking to speak. He called me and wanted to know why I have been so distant. I began to talk with him, and he became angrily defensive. He still has not reached a place in his life where he can take accountability for what he has done or does do. But I was already ten steps ahead of him. I expected this behavior from him. Since he rambles on about his feelings, I had to interrupt and end the conversation abruptly. It wasn't the most polite way of ending a conversation, but, however, I did not simply just end the conversation. I ended a toxic relationship. I am officially done with him, and for now, done with my 'mother' as well. I quote the words "dad" and "mom" because I see them as caregivers, not parents.
I could write an essay about why I see them this way, but I don't have the energy to. The hurt was too deep for so many years that I have not healed completely. Speaking with them has been aggravating a wound that's been trying to heal. I realize now that I just need to not be speaking with them until it has had time to heal properly. I'm not strong enough to carry on with these imaginary relationships that I've been having with them. I finally addressed the elephant in the room that no one wanted to discuss, and it did not end well. But I was ready for it. I was afraid to face it for all this time, but I built up the courage to finally do it. Looking back, I didn't have a support group of people around me, but this time around, I have my husband, Ron. He is my support group. I can't be around poisonous people that make me feel bad. I just can't.
It's time to build myself up, gain self-esteem, feel positive about life and see the glass as half full. I'm done being hurt. I have my own life here and an amazing husband that loves me for who I really am. I did not have the privilege of growing up in a home where I felt accepted for my personality and my differences. Rather, scolded for thinking differently. So, it makes sense, that I would be done with my caregivers. It brings me back to the awful past. A past that I understand now, and truly want to move on from. I really was orphaned the day I was adopted. I understand. But it's okay. I've been my own parent all these years, and now I have a great partner I get to wake up to and go to bed with every night. I am loved deeply by another human being. I get to have true love in my life, so I am happy about that. It is a wonderful feeling to feel loved.
This world we live in makes no sense sometimes. I'm just here, living in the moment. Trying to be healthy.
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