Date Your Man

Working day shifts since school didn't work out has been great. I am dating my husband all over again. We have gone out on a whim to the movies, made dinner together, and have a lot more time to talk. The past few days have been especially romantic, and I have learned more about his childhood too. 

Tonight, we brought up the past on how we met and what we thought about each other in the beginning of our relationship. It rekindled that emotion of feeling special. We were reminded tonight why we fell in love in the first place. It's good to bring up the past - bad and good. You learn something new each time you do. The bad memories will help you to learn from mistakes or not do to someone else what was done to you. The good memories will make you happy and remind you what you have to be grateful for. 

I didn't think this was possible, but I feel like I am falling in love again with Ron in a different way. I did not realize how time together makes a tremendous impact on your relationship. We drifted apart for a little bit when I was going to school during the day, then working many late nights only to return home to a sleeping husband. He needs his rest for his early work days. Five years together now, and we have reached that point of understanding what our relationship needs to maintain itself. 

Time. Dates. Talks. Sex. 

Seems so obvious right? But it isn't. It is very easy to get caught up in the obligations of life with little regard to what is really important in your life. I have recently let my walls down completely, allowing myself to be vulnerable with Ron. Marriage is humbling. You cannot be selfish in it. You need to think about the other person as much as you think about yourself. If you want to be happy in it, you have to let things go, change your attitude sometimes, consider another perspective and choose battles wisely. Some things aren't even worth mentioning. For example, Ron has a tendency to overreact to little things. For instance, today, I reached for the Special K on the kitchen counter to scan the label so I could log it as my breakfast. He immediately snatched it from me and said, "Hey! Don't eat that! I just made us delicious, vegan tacos!" 

As silly as this was, there are two ways to respond to that. I could have gotten annoyed because he assumed I was going to eat Special K over his tacos and because he grabbed it out of my hand. OR I could just look at him and smile while I said, "My dear, I'm just going to scan the label for my breakfast I had today." What an amazing response I got in return, a simple, "Oh" as he returned the box to me and emphasized how much he wanted me to eat the tacos with a little kiss.

In the recent past, I might have reacted annoyed and expressed my dissatisfaction with his grabbing the box out of my hand along with his assumption I was passing on his tacos. But why? Simply, he was passionate about his tacos is all, and grabbing the box out of my hand was his way of defending his cooking. When you care about someone and how they feel, these little things will become just that... little things. Nothing worth getting annoyed about and starting an argument over. Why take away from a perfectly lovely evening that a man has put together for you? 

It is in these moments that I realize we are growing together. We are learning about each other. Things to get upset about should be important matters involving disrespect for one another. All that other stuff is just plain good for ya. Why? If you allow yourself to grow with someone else, you begin to see how much more patient you are than you were before. You begin to have more compassion than you did before. You start to realize that loving someone is a choice that you make, every day. Love builds trust, the kind of trust that is rarely experienced between two people. Love is what makes you beautiful.

Reality Hits

I am no longer eligible for financial aid since Ron and I together make "too much" now. Boy, they sure are getting tight with money. If we make too much then I understand the joke now about people saying, "Just have a kid. Then you'll get help." NO KIDDING... Why do those of us who make responsible choices in life get punished? If I was a single mama, I'd be gettin' all kinds of financial aid. This is a dead argument, but needed to be stated for venting purposes. I feel better already. Kinda.

Over the summer, I had to come to terms with the fact that I cannot be a full time student. I can't afford to live and go to school full time, so I will have to chip away at college even slower than I ever anticipated. This is going to be a life journey. Now that I know this, I wonder if a bachelors is even worth the investment at this point. An associate's degree might just be the only thing actually feasible. I'm going to make that my goal to get an associate's for now. It's attainable, the goal is reachable. Bachelors is goin' on the back burner. Not so confident about that anymore since financial aid is out of the question now.

People say, "Just take out loans." Umm... the subjects I enjoy studying are not worth the $50,000 loans.  I really have to sit here and assess the investment, which at the rate tuition rises every year, I am more doubtful about the value of higher education as time goes on, honestly. We have a house. That's a big debt that won't be squashed any time soon. I am likely to go through at least five more cars in my life time, add that debt to the list. I'm starting to think that getting back in the work force debt-free is the smart way to go. I'm not going to school for super high paying careers, so, I need to be reasonable with debt.

Getting older for me has given me more confidence in my decisions and to do what I feel is best for me regardless of what everyone else thinks. There are many who will judge me, and will even look down on me if I don't get a bachelors degree. I have realized though that these are not people I want around me. If people are going to place my value based on what a piece of paper says about me, then good ridden to prestige. I don't welcome that into my world, ever.

I'm going to enjoy life, and that is a choice we have to make on our own because as much as we think we control life... we really don't. So roll with the punches I say... make that lemonade from those lemons life throws at ya and drink that delicious glass. Besides, what is life about? Family, friends and good food. If you have the 3 F's in life, then that's a darn good life. ;-)

People

I know it's not good to fester in hate, but man. I'm really beginning to dislike people each day that goes by. Thankfully, this is my healthy outlet to vent and release frustration. Some customers out there are the unhappiest people I know. If you can condescend on a smiling, hard worker because you think they are worthless or whatever, your life is full of pretentious crap. Dealing with people like this takes an abnormal amount of patience and confidence in yourself to know that this person is just part of your paycheck, but at the same time, I feel like I betray myself when I allow people to talk down to me. It's enabling that behavior. I wish to be a customer one day who catches another customer acting rude so I can put them in their place. I crave that.

There was a scene in True Blood I watched a few weeks ago, in which the werewolf pack leader is talking to his dad about being a loner wolf. The dad says to his son that the pack life isn't for us, you will soon see that.

I internalized that deeply because it hit home with me. I feel the same way about people. Not only do I deal with crappy people on a daily basis, but I also notice that social circles are things I avoid. I don't enjoy hanging out in groups of people because people behave strangely when they're in a group. Someone wants to prove him/herself, one needs attention, another will compete for the attention. I have just noticed that people act differently when in a group. The last time I hung out with a "group" was in middle school. Even in high school, I did not have a group I belonged to. The loner wolf mentality began in high school in which I was friends with different people from different "groups." I never fit into a group now that I think of it.

I am content with being the loner wolf. It's peaceful and keeps drama out of my life. For many years, I believed something was wrong with me because I never seemed to fit the standards of any group or congregation. Now, I don't care and see that all the friends I have are people actually worth your time. It's not quantity, it's quality of friendship that matters to me. Hanging out with friends one on one is always more fulfilling anyway because you can connect with the person on a personal level.

On another note of people sucking, I am disappointed to find out that Life Group is stuck in the Old Testament, and preaches tithing, exactly 10%. I guess I should not be surprised. When something sounds too good to be true, it often is, and it proved true in Life Group. It amazes me how many congregations miss the principles of the New Testament, tithing is one of them. "God loves a cheerful giver," 2 Corinthians 9.

6Now this I say, he who sows sparingly will also reap sparingly, and he who sows bountifully will also reap bountifully.7Each one must do just as he has purposed in his heart, not grudgingly or under compulsion, for God loves a cheerful giver.

It's just me and the New Testament these days. I'm gonna have to press the pause button on looking for Christian fellowship for now. Perhaps, it is a sign that I should study alone so I can have a firm grasp on what scripture says before settling into any type of fellowship. PLUS, I still do not label myself Christian for I still question if Jesus was born of a virgin and if he is a Savior...

Once again, I believe in God because the principles of the Bible feel true in my heart. But all the supernatural stuff of it doesn't sink in my brain with confidence that I can go around claiming I am a Christian. I'm a "Christ follower" without the Christian title. I really do talk the talk and walk the walk of a loner wolf.

I cannot be labeled. I do not fit in with groups of people, and I am starting to enjoy it. It just makes me more self-sufficient. I don't need to fit in to have a relationship with God. If I've learned anything by stepping away from religion, it is just that. You can have a relationship with God. You don't need a label, and you do not need to be part of a congregation.

You are loved just the way you are.

Best Friend

I am banishing myself from using the phrase, "This is my best friend." I am doing so because I realize how that can make other people feel who care about you and love you a lot. I notice how it makes me feel when good friends use the phrase, and it has a way of making me feel like I am not as much of a priority as their best friend is. It also makes me feel like I am not qualified to be a "bestie" on their list, or just that I am inferior in some way to their "best friend." It is as if I have failed in some way to be so privileged as to be considered a best friend. Takes me back to days of the play ground, which, I might add, is childish. 

Now that I realize how childish it is to use the term "best friend," I decided that I should not use that phrase either. Why? Relationships evolve and we are never the same with someone as we were yesterday. A best friend puts expectations on another person, which is not healthy either. A best friend suggests to me that there is an insecurity in this person using this term for someone else because it implies neediness. It has a way of sounding like this person who is your best friend is your territory, and cannot be shared with anyone else. I'm leaving this crap back at the play ground where it belongs.

I have several great friends! I know awesome people. I love many people. Many friends love me. I have different, unique and equally great friends among the people in my life. Some I have known for many years of my life, others have entered into my life in my early adulthood. That's okay too. The friends who have entered later have been there for me in times that my childhood friends could not. My childhood friends have helped shape who I am today because of the times they have been there for me as a child that I will never forget.

And it is up to me to keep good relations with people I love and care about. I treat them all equally. I have needed them all for different reasons, and they have all served a purpose in my life that makes them just as important as another friend dear to my heart. I will not call anyone a best friend, except for my husband, ;-) which is completely appropriate. After all, is he not my biggest fan? He married me so a spouse for a best friend is a more appropriate term if it will be used at all. 

I love all my friends. I don't want any of them to feel lesser than someone else in my life. Love them all!

God Works in Mysterious Ways

I've heard this phrase a lot, and never understood it until now. "God works in mysterious ways."

Strange, how I discovered  a community of people called, "Life Group" on a reality show I watch with Ron, the Real Housewives of Orange County. I learn a lot watching people in their lives, how they handle conflict, meeting new people very different from themselves, what they value, and so forth. It is a way for me to see how I relate to people, and to develop qualities in myself that I like in them and to keep myself in check with the behaviors I do not like.

Anyway, one of the housewives Lydia is a converted Christian who shared with us her fellowship time with a group of people she spends time with weekly. They are part of something called, "Life Group." They get together and go to someone's house, discuss their week, their troubles, their accomplishments, their stresses, gather advice, talk about God, read scripture. I just thought to myself, wow, I would love to be part of something like that! I read Lydia's blog after the episode and read more about Life Group, so then I researched it.

It lead me to a blog written yesterday from the Life Group website that spoke to me exactly in answer to my prayers.

"Walk the Line" <-- click that 

There are 5 or 6 Life Groups in San Diego working together to feed the homeless, help victims of human trafficking and women in unwanted pregnancies. Yes, this is what I have been searching for! I am so excited about this, I can't even stop smiling right now. I signed up to be contacted and I am anxiously awaiting my phone call to get involved. 

I can't wait to begin my journey in service to people that need my help with people alike. I have a feeling I am going to meet some amazing human beings and gain some really awesome friends. 

The emptiness I have been feeling is dissipating, and this whole thing cannot be a coincidence after prayer. I was very specific in my prayers.

I prayed to see what my purpose was. 

I prayed for self-awareness, and to see God. 

I asked him to show himself to me.

I asked sincerely, and I am seeing a path that I would have never before even thought of taking. 

Matthew 7:7 "Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you." This is my life. This is my journey. This is real. These are the times I must always remember. The times I learned something new, realized the truth, and how I am growing as a person.

27 Years Old

That's right. Happy Birthday to Me! My family is here and we are celebrating my birthday! Saturday will be loads of fun because we are having a bonfire on the beach. I will be boogie boarding all day long. I will take many photos and post them. This will be a good one. I can feel it.

27 years old, geez. Every year, the time seems to go faster. This has been a big year for me.

I've made the deans list.

My husband has bought us our first house together.

I am boogie boarding, and I have been deathly afraid of the ocean.

My little sister is engaged.

I abandoned God.

And now, at the very end of this 26th year of life, I am letting God back in.

Living a life for myself has not been very fulfilling for me. I've wised up on a lot of things this year. There is definitely a reason for everything and why we go through the things we do. Let me tell you!

I had to strip God out of my life and live a life without him to understand what life meant without God. But then, I noticed my soul was lost. When I say my soul was lost, that means that I did not see a purpose for myself. Why am I here? Where am I going? If I have no purpose here, then what the heck am I doing here? I struggled with that this year, and it has brought me to some very dark places that I did not enjoy revisiting. 

I decided to pray. I haven't prayed a real prayer in over a year. Strange, I didn't even know what to say at first or what to pray for. I just said, "Hi God. I don't see you when I walk out my door. Show yourself to me because I cannot see."

Over the next few weeks after that, I started to see that fear and anger have been holding me back from seeing the light. I have been living a life full of fears. Afraid to be vulnerable with my husband. Afraid to be myself. Afraid to have kids. And then angry because I have these fears. All the sudden, it clicked. This is what demons are. They are fear, anger, bitterness, resentment, jealousy, and all of these negative emotions that KEEP us from being happy people. Demons are these spirits that feed our mind discouraging thoughts. 

So I prayed to God and asked him to cast these demons out. I want to live a meaningful life, a life in which I have purpose. I asked him how I can find purpose in my life because worldly accomplishments and duties are not satisfying my platter. I'm too spiritually aware. I live in a world where spiritual purposes are looked down upon, but this is what my heart yearns for. 

Then it occurred to me, serve others. Live a life in service to your people, and think less about yourself. The more selfless you become, the more like Christ you will become, and you will have purpose in your life. In God, you will have self-esteem. Then the thought came to my mind that a homebody I am and enjoy being. A home filled with love is my passion, and serving my dear husband gives me great satisfaction. Wow, wait a minute... motherhood? This whole time that I have been looking down on motherhood, that is the most selfless way of serving Christ by raising children with love and to love others. Because you know what is the biggest problem I see in the world today? Not enough love. Love is not found in every home. Compassion, empathy and integrity is not being instilled in every home. I see a lot of evil in this world, and everything we learn starts in the home. 

Parents are failing to be parents. 

... This whole time, I looked down on parenting. Not even realizing that I could make a difference in the home, the very thing I thought was despicable. Yet, is responsible for the welfare of humanity. 

Motherhood.

Motherhood? 

This is the Lord answering my prayer. I understand now. I understand what the people meant when they said, "God knows what is best for us, and sometimes it is not what we think it is." 

I had to go through what I did to become the person that I meant to be. It's clicking. Things are finally beginning to click and make sense. My soul is healing.

The Flush

It's about time we cleaned out our systems. This time around wasn't as bad as the very first time I did it. Ron & I pushed the reset button on our stomachs. We both gained a little weight this year, more so me. But our pants started getting tight and we both said, whoa. Press the pause button! 

Kinda like this... -->click me 

And we've had enough of that.

Cutting out meat and dairy. Started eating soup the last few days to ease up on my stomach, and let the herbs we took finish cleaning out crap... literally. And we feel greeeeeat! Lost 8 lbs this week. (Of course, when you're barely eating you will drop quick).

I'm done with the meat and dairy. Ever since I got off the vegetarian life style, I have been more tired and groggy than ever. Done. Done. Done with that. 

On the healthy cycle again. Here we go! Insanity & the P90X regime starts tomorrow. May it last forever this time.

Here's my new attitude about food:

You know why it's going to be successful this time around? I do not give a flying monkey if anyone supports me or not. I've got the upper hand now when someone tries to knock it. Misery enjoys company, and I'm not accompanying! 

The Double Standard

I am aware of the double standard that exists between men and women, such as, a man can brag about how many girls he gets, but a woman can't or she's viewed as a whore. A social norm is that it's cool for girls to make out and be lesbians, but not for guys. It's more commonly accepted for a woman to be the caretaker, and for the man to support the family. However, I do not believe in these social codes at all. I despise them because it sets unrealistic expectations for people to meet such as a man feels that he needs to make more than his wife and a woman feels the need to be sexual to attract men. 

Fortunately, the fact that women were always the caretakers and not encouraged to be in the workforce is becoming more of a historical crisis rather than a modern one as we move further into the future. Click here to delve deeper into the health problems that men can experience if they are not the breadwinners of their home. I just finished reading this and felt sad for men. Social norms are not always the best way of going about things if simple things like a woman making more money than her man is causing him health problems.

As far as girls making out to get attention from boys goes, that is just sad to me. It is sad because the girls obviously don't value themselves enough to know that those guys don't respect them. Not valuing yourself comes from low self-esteem. How do I know that? I struggled with this for many years. Also, these boys who encourage this behavior are pigs because they are showing no respect for these women. However, I don't want to spend too much time ranting about these seemingly unbreakable social codes because there is something more problematic than that to me because it directly effects me. 

As a woman, I have noticed that smiling at a man means something different than smiling at a woman. I'm a naturally smiley person when I meet someone new. I'm friendly. That's always been me. Unfortunately, as I have gotten older, I have learned that smiling at a man can be interpreted far away from what my intentions are. For example, one of the managers I worked for in Pennsylvania was easy to get along with, and I always worked my hardest for him because he was level-headed and fair. I was 20 years old at the time, and he was easily in his 50's. He got the wrong idea about me, and one day made the bold move of asking me to come over and have some beers before he moved out of state to work at another hotel. 

This isn't an isolated incidence either of where my smiley nature has given guys the wrong impression. Here's where my confusion lies - I treat women just the same as I treat men. I smile, I talk, I ask questions and I show a general interest in the welfare of that person. The gender does not stop me from being me. But for some reason, it has a tendency to rub off as flirtatious to some people. No man has said this to me, but given the way some of them react to me, I sniff trouble. Since I've been married, I find myself being extra cautious about how I approach guys and I try not to be "too smiley." Unfortunately, I feel awkward around guys because I don't want to look them in the eyes for longer than two seconds, and I certainly do not want to touch them via a pat on the shoulder, a dab with the elbow or any other playful gesture that is considered harmless. 

So I ask myself, what is the reason for all this? I cannot control how people respond to me, but I can control how I act, which is what I am doing. But I cannot control how someone else feels, and sometimes, just being my nice self must be masked. I now feel like when I approach the opposite sex, I have to perform a two second eye contact move and a quick smile followed up with a professional "hello" and not engage in conversation for too long. That feels really awkward to me like I'm hiding something, and rightfully so. I am hiding something, my true self! See where the insecurities come into play? If you have to hide yourself, you're going to feel insecure and project it somehow whether it's negative, positive or just plain awkward.

I spoke about this with a friend and she agrees. The big question here is, why does a smile to a man mean something different than a smile to a woman? 

I can't figure it out.

Husband and Wife

The semester ends tomorrow! But with that comes two finals that I can only do my best on. I have been on lockdown these last few weeks preparing for them.

With that said, my summer is going to be amazing! I am not taking summer classes this time because I took summer classes last year. That's enough! After one solid year of school, I need my summer break.

This past week has made me reflect a lot on how much I love Ron. He has been tutoring me in math and helping me with my homework after he gets home from work. I wouldn't be passing this class if he wasn't helping me. I have to say, I am really happy I married this guy. I went through a period where I started to question the value of marriage when I let my Christian faith go. Once you admit to yourself that you are not Christian, you begin to question everything you ever valued, so naturally, marriage was on the list of questionable necessities. That doesn't mean I felt I needed to divorce Ron, but I had realized that if I knew what I know now, I don't think marriage would have been necessary simply because I don't need a piece of paper to be recognized by the government to prove anything.

However, as I have given marriage much thought over the last few months, I realize that it is important to me after all, piece of paper, wedding rings and all. Why? It is something that not just a boyfriend does. It is extremely endearing that your boyfriend wants to prove to you that he wants to commit to you through your bad moments as well as your good, but also wants that same thing back from you. That right there, does in fact, take your relationship to a different level. If I was just dating Ron until now, I probably would have left at some point because I was bored, wanted to live in another state, or just flat out wanted something different for myself....myself... and how easy it is to break up with a boyfriend. In a marriage? Not so easy, and you honestly cannot think about just yourself. You did make commitments to that person and you promised to love them through all bad and good, better and worse. What kind of person would I be if I decided to leave someone just because I was bored?

And ya know what... every emotion we experience is temporary. Every phase in life is temporary. Boredom and desires come and go, but the important people in your life don't have to. No matter what, every relationship you get into will have its own issues because none of us are perfect. So why not commit to someone you are compatible with, who understands you, and chooses to love you with all of your flaws? For me, having found that person, I am glad I did marry him and I do not regret that decision.

Recently, I had a conversation with Ron about this and he said he knows I am not the girl who really cares about having a ring, but because I was that type of girl, that made him want to give me the best ring he could because he felt I deserved one. That makes my heart smile that this man just wanted the very best for me. It says something about a guy who wants everyone to know she's taken for good. When I look down at my ring now, I see a decision made in love, and his presence is there when he's not around. I also see it as a message to other men for when he is not around which is, "back off." Looking at it that way makes the ring pretty darn powerful!

I like the fact that when he's out and about, he has a wedding ring on his hand that lets everyone know he found someone special who he chooses to love for the rest of his life. Marriage is more than just the piece of paper. It's about the message it sends to others, it shows pride in choosing someone to be with forever because they are special to you. It shows confidence by your ability to commit to someone with life's unknown circumstances that will surely weave its way into your path. Marriage reminds you that love is a choice, and you choose to love that person. This October will be four years of marriage with Ron, and I feel that we are growing together. Marriage is a beautiful thing if you choose to see it that way. It's all in the perspective of the human. :-)

Mothers Day

Happy?...Mothers Day.

Hm.

I have some mixed feelings about this. I didn't even remember it was Mother's Day until Art called and asked what Ron and I had planned for the day. So I called and said, "Happy Mothers Day" simply because I am trying to move forward and forget the past. It was a hard phone call to make that brought up some bitter feelings. I'm not angry anymore. I've let the anger go, but the bitterness is still there. The wound has turned into a scab, and it is quite itchy. So yes, I am still bothered by things from the past that happened between us because there has never been a real discussion about it to help me get closure from really bad decisions that were made on both ends. So by me making that phone call every year, I'm attempting to barry the hatch and forget about talking about any of it. But it is a very difficult thing for me to do. I feel phony when I'm calling to say, "Happy Mothers Day!" because I have some raw emotions that don't feel happy to say that. Even sadder, I have to force myself to say, "I love you" back.

Obviously, I won't go into details here about our relationship because I should not embarrass my mother like that. But that should tell you something... our relationship was that bad that I can't even write about it here for anyone else to read.

To put it mildly, I left home feeling inadequate, insecure, threatened by others, and just plain old not good enough for anyone or anything. I felt like a human being undeserving of life. There was an era in my childhood where I prayed for death to find me. I've never heard of anyone praying to God to die except Jesus when he was on the cross when he could not hold on any longer. That makes me realize how serious those emotions are and what I went through at that time would obviously take years to repair those emotions.

Fast forward nine years into the future, here I am today. I've been breaking down those walls little by little and am chipping away slowly into being myself and being okay with who I am. Now I accept myself, and I am more honest in my thoughts, and allow myself to be a human being. I accept my imperfections, but look for opportunities to be better. I try to capitalize on any moment that takes me a step further away from the past. Nine years of that, you can bet I am very different from back then.

It made me smile the other day when a co-worker of mine said behind my back (in a good way) to another co-worker, "Don't ask Ana that. She would never do drugs."

If I'm giving off that vibe to people, I really have turned a new leaf. Perhaps, that was the positive reinforcement I needed to see that I am progressing. I am getting further away from the darkness that resides in me.

Of course, my dark sense of humor chuckles on the inside, "You really don't know me then do you." ;-)

Grateful

Today, I am thinking about everything I am grateful for in my life.

Jessica and I were talking about Ron, marriage and dating. My family loves him. Jessica even made an announcement last night to talk about how much she appreciates him being in the family. It made me think about all the great qualities he has, and how lucky I am to have such a great man. His loyalty, integrity, selflessness and giving character are noble characteristics that are hard to come by. I feel so proud to have made the decision to marry him. He is marriage material and I knew it from day one. It is still true to this day. I followed my gut and I am happy I did.

I am really grateful to have a house. Never in my wildest imagination did I think I could have a house. I have a place for friends and family to stay and visit. It is so nice to be able to host for people I love and care about. I didn't see that coming so soon in my life, but it did. I am so lucky.

I have pets that I love and adore. They bring a lot of joy into my life and they too are grateful for me. I can tell by the way they behave and respond to our discipline. They like to follow me around the house too.

I am really enjoying my job. I work with some great people and my managers are easy to get along with. For once, my work environment is stable, secure and has its fun days. I couldn't ask for anything more. I've gone through so many terrible managers, awful people and loads of drama. It is a huge relief to be in a work environment where I am comfortable and don't mind going to work. Plus, I just recently got a raise and am continuing to move up the ranks. I see a future here for myself.

I am going to college. Even though it's hard right now and I'm struggling through it, I have the privilege to go to college and learn. I love how our campus organizes events for students to help us in as many ways as they can. I'm thankful for financial aid.

I am happy to have a great, reliable car. Even though filling it up with gas sucks some money out of your wallet, at least I can manage and get to where I need to go.

Having a husband, a house, a car, pets, a good job and the opportunity to go to school are all privileges.

I am living a privileged life.

There is much to be happy about and I wanted to acknowledge that again so I never forget.

Sleep is Good

This has been a much better week. I traded shifts with someone so I could go to bed early last night, and that has helped me so much. I was able to get a lot done today, and now I can hammer through tomorrow's busy day. A little tweak in my schedule was the difference between rest and no sleep.

School can be extremely frustrating. The student life is not glamorous in any sense of the imagination. You work for peanuts to pay bills and then use up the rest of your time for homework and preparing for exams. I just hope all of this is worth it. I watched all my friends go through college, and not all of them got the jobs they wanted right away. One of them even worked for FREE for two years living at home until she could get into the position she trained for! But regardless of what happens after the degree, you're still better off WITH it even if your options are harder to come by because of the economy.

One thing I have learned about myself is that my independent personality has not changed since I was a little girl. I still want a career. I want to be able to take care of myself and not financially rely on someone else for everything. It's still in me, that little 12 year old girl seeking adventure and freedom. I'm starting to understand who I am now, and what I need to do to be fulfilled. I admire women with careers who have the financial freedom to travel the world and help others. They develop skills that help them make an impact in the world. For example, leading a company's finances can give you the power to influence that company to donate some of their profit to non-profits. I can't imagine how rewarding that must be to make an impact like that. Some day I will though. I really look forward to that part of my life, which is why I am embracing my age as it comes. It just gets me closer and closer to my goals.

One day at a time.

Jezzybell

Meet my Taco Bell dog. I love her to death. I know I said I wasn't going to get a dog for awhile, but it's a chihuahua. As many make fun of the breed for not being a real dog, well then, can't we say they are not as difficult to take care of as a big dog? Don't get me wrong. I love my big dogs, but I unfortunately do not have the time required to keep up with the energy of a bigger dog. In the mean time, my lil dog and my cat bring just as much joy and love. People hate chihuahuas just as much as they hate pitbulls, so I am learning. So many prejudice people out there! Goodness.

She is a rescue, between 5-6 years old. She is just a little bundle of snuggles. She loves her humans and follows me around everywhere. I don't even need a leash for her when I walk her around the neighborhood. That's how awesome she is. She doesn't bark at people either! It's amazing.

She is adorable in her sleep. Sometimes she snores, and I caught her dreaming in her sleep in this video. Jezzy is the smallest dog I have ever had, and she fits right in with the family. Chowder gets along with her, and it is entertaining to watch them chase each other around the house. 

Make a List

It felt good to vent out my frustrations, but now, I will take Ron's advice and list the things I do love about California and remind myself why life is beautiful. I think I'm having a mid-life crisis, stressed out with school and work, not getting enough sleep. It's bound to make ya crazy at some point, and perhaps now is just my breaking point.

Once we moved in, we had a friend stay for the week helping us out with house duties, family came the next week, and then I started staying later at work with mid-terms to study for at the same time. It was three weeks of building priorities and I was not getting good sleep at all. Ron has helped me recognize that this has been an unusual semester for me with buying a house and all the visitors we have had in this short period of time. He's right. Time to re-group and look at all the positive things.

It's okay to miss the east coast, but that doesn't mean I can't learn to love a different way of life either. I just have to make my list of things I love here, and remind myself what I'm grateful for so I don't lose site of those things.

Here's my list:

1. I love the weather. Duh.

2. The palm trees make me feel like I am in a tropical place, my ideal vacation destination.

3. We just bought a house. It may not be in the country with my nightly crickets croaking, but it is a quiet house too. There are no kids running and screaming around like I grew up with. I have privacy. It is a lovely home that is finally coming together the way we want it.

4. I have an orange tree and a lemon tree. We just planted a banana plant, and are making plans for the avocado tree, tomato plant, basil and parsley pots. I'm going to have a garden! Amazing.

5. I like having picnics on the beach.

6. Ron just bought us boogie boards so I can continue understanding the ocean and the way it moves before I begin the real deal... surfing.

7. The beach is twenty minutes away. Just twenty.

8. I have two cute little pets that I love so much. They bring so much joy and entertainment in my life.

9. I am in school working towards a degree, something I never ever thought I would be able to do in my lifetime.

10. There are an abundance of restaurants out here to eat at, and I sure do love my food.

11. I have a wonderful husband. He really understands me, and helps me get past all my temporary mood swings. I probably don't deserve him, but I am lucky enough to have a great man in my life. Patti Sanger said, "Everyone wants love, but not everyone can find it."

That's the beginning of my list for now, which is a great start. Ron was right. Reading over these 11 things makes me smile and remember I have so many wonderful things to be happy about. My schedule right now is a crazy one and it is certainly responsible for my irritability and grumpiness. But after eight weeks, this semester is over and I can move on from this tough time. This is just a hard part of the climb in my hike to a degree.

Perseverance. Strength. Keep going.

Can't Sleep

It's 4:30AM and I just finished my second glass of cabernet sauvignon, hoping it would drift me away into slumberland. Fortunately, it has made me sleepy, but my mind restless. I keep thinking and thinking and thinking. What does it take to shut my brain off? Writing has been the only thing in my life to help me forget my thoughts, or at the very least, move on from it since I left it somewhere else to reflect on later.

Life...

I've been living in California now for five years... five years! Let me say... I miss Pennsylvania. I never thought I would, but I do. I miss the country life style. I miss the simplicity of life and the type of people there.

My husband just bought us a house. I know there are people out there who would LOVE to be in my shoes. A house in California, with pets, the weather, the beach, blah blah blah. But I am actually grieving at the loss of the country life I once had. California is such a crowded state. I haven't been on a backroad since I went to visit Pennsylvania last year.

The people here are just so different too. It's hard to explain because I can't generalize ALL of them.... but anyone who has grown up here is definitely effected by the subculture here, which is also hard for me to describe. It's just something I feel... but can't put into words. Basically, when I go out in the city here, I have this feeling of, "I don't belong here." No one is saying I don't belong there. No one is being rude. No one is treating me differently. But there is a very intense feeling of... "This isn't your place." I guess it's just the fact that I know there is so many rich people walking around, so many "I wanna be this and that" type people and I am simply not that way. I wasn't engineered like this. I wasn't created to want so much in my life. I don't know. I've always been a very simple person who doesn't need a lot. And these type of people that want recognition, attention, and rewards are everyyyyyywhere here. There is just an abundance of them in this state. I didn't see this in Utah. I didn't see this in Pennsylvania. When I did see it, it was too easy to avoid because they stuck out like a sore thumb.

I went from Hershey High School, a competitive school to living in a STATE that now feels very high school all over again. How in the hell did I do that to myself? *rolls eyes*

Listen, I'm very grateful for the things I have. I know I shouldn't complain, but these are my feelings. They are real. I am going through this. I am struggling with being in a crowded state, busy highways, people all around me. I'm not a city girl. I'm just not. I need my quiet and peace.

The plumbers told me that my house is quiet. I responded, "Really? I think it's noisy considering the highway is one street away." They said, "No. It's quiet. Your pets are chill and you have no children." Hmm. I guess it is more quiet compared to their homes, but I am used to have two acres of backyard and half an acre between my neighbors and I. I could HEAR the crickets and owls at night. I heard no cars. It was peaceful.

I can hear cars at night. I'm aware of the highway. Sure, it's not LOUD, but I do know what a quiet household actually is. I don't hear crickets. The lawn mowers are very close by. I can hear the kids playing in their yards. Out east, they were far enough away I couldn't hear my neighbors. Lawn mowers had the faintest sound.

I'm struggling out here. I'm not going to lie. I never thought I would say this, but I am HOMESICK. It may have taken five years to get there, but I am flat out homesick. I miss my country life. I miss the four seasons. I miss my snow for Christmas. I miss the beautiful fall leaves changing colors for Halloween and preparing me for Thanksgiving. I miss the April spring showers that would last for days at a time, warm April showers. I miss the fog and the overcast skies that would stay for days after the rain. I miss the humidity that kept my hair and skin soft without ever using lotion. I miss breathing in fresh air from the abundance of trees on the east coast. I miss hearing the crickets at night. I miss watching the lightning bugs at night light up the outdoors of my windows. I miss 25 MPH roads and being the only person on a road. I miss seeing deer roaming around in the woods. I miss the bats I would see at night sometimes. I miss the east coast.

I think I actually want to go back.

Five years later, I can now say I appreciate what I had. I want to go home.

And that's okay. I am human. I have feelings, and I will have to find a way to cope.

Blah

I'm beginning to stay later at work since I am training to move up. I don't mind right now since it's spring break, but I don't know how this is going to go when I return to school next week. Getting home at 2:30AM and having a 9:30AM class the next day... is gonna catch up. I only have eight weeks left of this semester though, so I'm not sure it's worth it to re-arrange my schedule. Working the night shift guarantees my hours since very few people want to work nights.

I've reached a point right now where I am questioning what the hell I am doing in school. It's my age, and working so much simultaneously that is making me feel like I have no life. I know this is temporary but damn, this is a temporary situation that drags on day by day. I'm better off with the degree than without it, but man, I'm feeling the wear and tear on my body. I would've been a good slave back in the day.

Also, I'm struggling with my identity right now because I am relying on my husband for a lot of things since I've committed myself to being a full time student. I make less money than I ever have before and I am not independent like I used to be. It's hard for me to rely so much on someone else because I never have in the past. I was always the sugar mama, and so I feel like I am losing myself in the process of going to school. I don't like depending on another person for anything, and perhaps I feel like I do not have control like I would if I was supporting myself like I always did.

I went from having my own apartment and supporting my boyfriend to being a domesticated wife whose husband pays a majority of the bills. It's not like I'm sitting around collecting his money and spending it on myself, but still... it makes me feel like a little girl again and I really don't like that feeling. My husband doesn't mind supporting me and helping me accomplish my goal of getting school done, but it's just hard all across the board. All the money I make goes to school and bills. I can't go out with friends. I can't go shopping. And it will be this way for a few more years. I'm just a bit frustrated right now because I feel locked in a cage, riding out my prison time. Not an easy thing for a woman who is basically a wild horse... never was the tame type. I'm a bit worried how much longer I can be locked up in a cage without going crazy.

I keep telling myself this will all be worth it when it's over. I just hope my batteries last.

In Defense of Age Gap Relationships

Today, I spoke with a good friend about the crazy world of dating. She is once where I was, in a position where she is beginning to date a man 15 years older. Hearing that, my eyes do not flinch and my mouth does not drop to the floor because I am that girl too. I am used to those reactions from others, and I am used to the many thoughtless accusations as well, such as being called a gold digger or I'm a daughter looking for her daddy. Those accusations are meaningless to me because they simply don't apply. However, I do wonder what provokes this silliness in people to blurt out such nonsense. Then I remembered, the television. It always comes down to the media, and what people are feeding their brains, which ultimately makes up their world view. I notice how judgmental people are about age gap relationships, and I wasn't inspired to write about the misconceptions of it until a good friend of mine is now finding herself in my shoes. It is very interesting to be on the outside looking in to where I was over four years ago.

One of the first misconceptions about age gap relationships is the assumption that the younger woman is a gold digger. The definition of a gold digger is a lady who goes after a man because of the money he makes or the assets he has. By definition, that does not refer to strictly young women. A woman of any age with no age gap in their relationship can be a gold digger. Unfortunately, "The Girls Next Door" has been a popular show for years, which is the stereotypical situation of young women who are there to enjoy luxurious perks and earn some good money for being cute from an old man. As a result, people who watch the show or are at least familiar with it see a bunch of young, good looking girls going after all the materialistic things a man can offer them. With all that popular footage clouding people's minds, the gold digger image of young women is unfairly projected onto all women who date someone ten years older or more.

Let's use me as an example as to why this is not only unfair, but also a harsh judgement coming from a biast perspective. First of all, I am not a supermodel or a beauty queen. I have never once in my life been hit on by a billionaire. I would not even know the first thing about getting in contact with someone of that status. Instead, I met my husband in a socially respectable place, bible study. Being called a gold digger would imply that I went to bible study to look for a rich man to date. Then that would also mean I was in bible study for the wrong reasons, so not only is that accusation false, but it also implies that you think that low of me that I would only date someone because of the things he can give me. Secondly, if you knew even 10% about my husband, you would also know that he does not own a mansion, a lamborghini or a private jet. All of these things would be on my list if I was going after someone for their money. Clearly, I didn't make out with those things, so that is my counter argument to that terrible assessment of my intentions.

Also, the gold digger accusation tends to come from a lot of housewives themselves. They do not work, but they do not mind pointing their finger at someone else and accusing them of exactly what they are doing. This is not said to overgeneralize housewives, but what needs to be pointed out here is that many people who have accused women like me and my friend of being gold diggers do not work themselves. Their dream job is to stay at home, which ultimately means that their husbands have to make enough money for them to do so. Did you hear that? Make enough money for them to stay at home. My friend and I both have jobs and go to school full-time. Funny how no one is calling housewives or stay at home moms gold diggers. No, the part where they need their husbands money to let them be that is completely nailed under the hardwood floors, not even swept, nailed under the foundation of the house under that rug.

Why do women with high standards who expect their husbands to be doctors, engineers, CEO's, or whatever only referred to as pretentious? Is that not a form of gold digging? But somehow, me, a full-time student and a part-time worker gets crowned gold digger.

The second misconception about age gap relationships is the psychoanalysis of the younger woman needing a father. True, I did not have a present father in my childhood. However, why would I be interested in dating someone to take the place of my father? That implies that I am looking for a parent to navigate my life, which would defeat the point of a romantic relationship. In fact, I would not be sexually attracted to someone who reminded me of my dad because it would feel wrong just as much as it is wrong. Evidently, a fatherless or absent fathered woman who marries someone closer to her age is never accused of finding a mate to replace her father, so why would age suddenly mean something different? Bottom line, for most relationships to work, there needs to be attraction to each other. If I am attracted to my husband, it does not matter if you are not.

Then there is the idea that age gap relationships have problems and communication issues due to the age gap. I'm sorry, did I miss something here? I was totally unaware that problems and communication issues are strictly reserved for people in an age gap relationship. No other marriage in the world has any issues because they are closer in age. Pardon me, I missed the memo.

Our grandparents disagree, our parents disagree, siblings disagree, friends disagree, co-workers disagree. People of all ages can have disagreements with each other. Marrying someone older does not automatically put us in a category of failure to agree, compromise, and understand each other. On the contrary, I have learned a lot about older music, older cartoons, movies, and linguistics by being married to someone older, and he has also learned about the newer side of those things. It has opened up some intellectual conversations, and it never ceases what we learn about each other and how the world relates to each other. There have been many benefits for me because of his maturity alongside conversation. He is stable, I feel safe with him, and he is the most sensitive person towards my feelings and mood swings. Bottom line, no other man would put up with my shenanigans and I know this. He is a fantastic match for me, and I'll be damned if I let anyone out there tell me otherwise.

So go ahead, judge, point fingers, criticize, accuse me of all the wicked things of this world. It won't make me leave my husband because people are disgusted and shocked by us. If I leave, it'll be on my own terms for reasons that could be exactly the same as other normal couples in close age. People forget that most of the divorces out there are couples in closer age. I am not here to judge them either though. I am simply pointing out a few things that may shed light on relationships like mine.

Elizabeth Hess

A.k.a "Grandma Hess"

She passed away this week, and as much as I'd like to feel something, I don't.

I did not attend the funeral today. It was in Utah and I have school. The whole situation is a bit awkward for me because I never had a relationship with her since I turned 12 years old. The summer I turned 12, she told me she wanted to talk to me alone and had me follow her into the basement. She pulled my arm and told me to look her in the eyes. Once she felt she had my full attention with eye contact, she said, "I am not your Grandma. You are not my Granddaughter. I do not love you." She walked away, went upstairs and closed the door behind her, leaving me alone and confused.

After that, I did not go to Utah anymore to visit my grandparents when my family took family vacations to go to Utah and visit "my grandparents" (mom's parents). It was made known to me that she took down all photos of me, and told people she has four grandkids, not five.

Well, I'm 26 years old now, and over the years, I got over her immaturity and inexcusable behavior for an adult. I stopped caring when I got to high school, and I never put myself in a situation to have conversation with her. I've seen her here and there over the last few years when I went to Utah, and have even said hi to her, and smiled.

So you'll have to pardon my lack of emotional response. The only thing sad about her death is the way she died. She died a miserable person, who did not make peace with anyone. She was angry with the entire family before she passed. I was disgusted to see on facebook a photo posted that stated, "You were an amazing woman that will be loved and missed by your grandkids!" I had to untag myself from that because that would be a big, fat lie on my part going along with that. Whatever experiences my little sister had with her were not mine, and so I will opt out of the positivity on this one.

I do not know the woman they speak of and talk so nicely about. I do not know her to be a kind person. "Grandma" Elizabeth Hess was not my Grandma, but merely ended up being an acquaintance to me over the last fourteen years.

To this day, I still do not know why she hated me or chose not to love me or know me. With that said, I have learned to move on, and just in case she's being held at the gates of heaven waiting on my forgiveness, I forgive her. But I can't make the calls on where she ends up after that. Chief Massasoit taught me that it only hurts yourself when you hold onto anger. The benefit is not in what you naturally feel, but what you fight against. So I fought anger and bitterness for a long time until I realized that it was taking energy to care. Once I stopped caring, I became a lot happier.

Since my only attachment to this person is through my family, the only thing I can honestly say about her passing is, "Rest in peace."

No Place Like Home

It is official. We are getting the keys to our house this week! I am starting to understand how real this is as each day goes by. Suddenly, I feel ready to go. I am excited to be in a place that I can call, "home." Things will be tight at first, but it's okay. I am ready to strap down, and have a place of my own that I can relax in and invite guests to. I love my kitchen. I love my patio. I love my lemon tree and orange tree. Fresh lemonade and orange juice from now on? Yes, please. 

We went to Home Depot today to look at some things we'll need for the house like window curtains and screens. One of our friends up north is moving out of his house that he has been renting for years, so we get to collect the extra furniture for our guest bedroom as well as a fridge, washer, dryer and other things that we may need. The timing is coincidentally perfect.

At last, today, I can say I feel better! Last night was my first night of deep sleep for six hours straight. I didn't have to wake up every hour to blow my nose, cough or take more medication. Ah, it feels so good to breathe again. This is going to be a good week. I can already tell.

Home sweet home... here we come. 

Sera Sera

I am so sad that today is the last day of my school break. Although, I did have a good, long month break. I really shouldn't complain. However, I am coughing up mucus, blowing my nose, and trying to pop my congested right ear. Not exactly how I planned on going to school tomorrow. 

Good thing I got to see some friends this month. I needed it. It has charged my batteries, so I am ready to bust through this next semester without any of them around. 

Tonight was a special night. I spent it with a dear friend from Virginia who I have not seen in almost seven years. We drank champagne and ate strawberries at the Top of the Hyatt last night. My husband was with us, and he drove us to Pacific Beach so we could bar hop and dance. 

Today, we walked on the beaches of Del Mar and La Jolla. Ate chipotle shrimp at Flavor and enjoyed Tapas at La Valencia Hotel listening to a jazz pianist that was blind. It was a beautiful day. I will always remember it. 

It is hard to fall asleep when you are sick. I am watching the Vampire Diaries to get me in rest mode. Long day tomorrow.

Father

Last night, I spoke to my dad on the phone for about two solid hours. I don't even know how we managed to fill up that amount of time in conversation, but we did. 

It is strange how it happened too. Ron asked my dad to give us some money for the house that we are approved for without me knowing. My dad called me to ask the details of the house, and so I told him what I knew. Then he told me he wanted to help, and that Ron had asked him if he could. I was shocked to say the least. I have never asked my dad for anything, nothing. I am very grateful though because now it looks like we really are going to get the house, and I don't have to sell my wedding rings now. When I told my dad that I was going to sell them, that's when he said, "No. It shouldn't come to that. Let me help." Well, if you say so. Am I really going to be that prideful that I lose my wedding rings instead of accepting help? No, I am not going to be a prideful fool, which shows that I have really grown up over the years on more than one level. First of all, I was actually willing to part with my wedding rings. Now, I am actually saying, "Yes, dad. I do need your help." 

Ron brought us closer together without even realizing it. Once again, there seems to always be a reason for everything that is happening in my life. I have had a battered relationship with my parents since my teenage years. My mom's relationship with me is at least cordial now, but I have never ever been close to my parents. Last night, I actually felt like my dad and I took the first step towards salvaging our damaged relationship. To his credit, it seemed as though he was waiting for me to be mature enough one day to forgive him, and tell him that I no longer judge him for who he is or what he has done because I have made many mistakes in my life too. "Clean the speck out of your own eye first," says the Bible, right? I'll have to agree on that word of wisdom.

WOW, right? I actually forgive my father for everything that has happened with our family, and I actually do not fault him for it anymore. Stepping outside the picture, I am able to see now that there were a million variables I had not considered before that complicates our family dynamic. Regardless, what a lesson to learn. I never thought I would see the day where my father and I could talk about the past like two mature adults, apologize, discuss our feelings, and actually learn how to move forward. Honestly, it feels like another invisible chain of bitterness that has broken free off my bloody ankles. I didn't realize my ankles were bleeding because I had become so numb to the pain of my parents mistakes. Now, I see that I have a wound that is ready to heal because I let down my pride for once.

The lesson I learned here is that pride sometimes stands in the way of letting ourselves forgive others. In this case, that was absolutely so. My father is another human being that does not deserve my condescending judgment on him. Sure, he has made mistakes, but I too hope to be forgiven for things that I do not do right. I cannot tell you how humbling this experience is. This is the first step in truly being able to accept people for who they are, not who I expect them to be or who I think they should be. And all of this was a repetition of the cycle I was taught by their mistakes, but I'm done with it. I am ending the cycle here. It ceases now.

New Years 2013

Ron and I were at his friends house, or shall I say mansion? We were there partying until 5 AM. It was a crazy, fun night. I love life with just me and my husband. We are free to go and do as we please, and come home to a cat who is always ready for love. Yet, he isn't pushy about it either. Best pet ever.  

This is the third year I have not made a New Years Resolution. I stopped having New Years Resolutions about two years ago because I felt like I should just make a change as I see fit, not wait for one particular day to do it. If you want to change, then just get on with it. Besides, I have failed every diet and resolution I ever made. However, I have succeeded in many other changes when they weren't New Years Resolutions. For example, getting in shape, eating healthier, keeping to myself at work, staying out of drama, and trying to be more tolerant of unlovable people are all vast improvements I have made over the last two years. The healthy stuff seemed to always be resolutions at one point or another, but they were successful this year because I decided to change when I was fed up with staying the same. It worked like a charm doing it that way.

When 2013 came, I clanked my champagne glass with everyone elses' and clanked it against my husband's cute pellegrino glass. I told him, "Happy New Year. May we hopefully be in a house in 2013!" Just the other day, we were approved for a house in Spring Valley that we really like. It is three bedrooms and two full bathrooms with a nice yard and two car garage. It has been completely remodeled. Hopefully, we can come up with the extra cash for the down payment by the end of this month. If it is meant to be, it will be. We are getting a house because paying rent is just stupid now. It goes up every year, and we don't get to keep the apartment by paying it off. It is a never ending bill that doesn't even give us any tax benefits. So, we decided to do the house thing.

 It might seem strange that we went into this without having the full amount of money for the down payment, but we just barely started house hunting a month ago. Ron's bought houses before, and we have had several friends go through the real estate process. On average, it has taken them at least a few months before finding a house they wanted. We thought it would be the same for us. Instead, we found a house and we were approved for it in exactly one month, which shortened our time to get the extra cash we would definitely have in a few months from now. I'm not complaining, I am just a little unsure of how this is going to turn out. I can't say I will be disappointed if we do not get the house because I am actually scared of this commitment believe it or not. It means we really are here to stay, and we aren't budging any time soon. If we have kids, this is where they will be raised. 

I will be excited when the deal closes. Only then will I be excited because I will realize it is real. Part of me is a little sad because I love our location. We can walk everywhere, and it is closer to work for both of us. Ron is selling his Steelers collectors items, the piano, possibly my wedding rings, and we already sold my gold necklace. We are parting with a lot of materialistic things to get this house. I know this will benefit us in the long run though, and we will be much happier having more space. We need to do this now while the market is still in the buyers favor. Otherwise, we may not ever be able to afford a home here.

2013 will be the year that gave us a home, not the year that ended the world as so many people believed. Coincidentally, 2013 is the mark of a new era for Ron and I. 

What is Success?

As I get older, I see that the meaning of success is something different to everyone. There is a popular meaning of success, which is that you graduated from college, acquired a good paying job with benefits that allows you to buy a house, drive a good car, get married, have a family, living a comfortable or wealthy life style. That seems to be the most accepted meaning of success in this modern era. I keep thinking about what success really means though, and to me, it isn't about the job, the degree, the house, or the car. Let me explain that I think it is important to work, learn and be informed, as well as having transportation as it simply makes your life a lot easier to live. However, I do not believe those things determine success. For me, success is about my relationships with people as well as asking myself the following questions: Do I try to be honest? Do I try to do good to others? Do I try to be selfless sometimes? Do I try to be humble? Can I at least say that I try to be good? Can I admit when I am wrong? Do I try to be a better person? Do I learn from my mistakes? Am I willing to apologize when I hurt someone else? Am I honest with myself about my feelings? Do I self-reflect? 

I can honestly say that I try to say yes to these questions every day, and that is what determines success in my life. When I am on my death bed, I want to be remembered for being kind, thoughtful and caring to other people, not just myself. I want friends and family to remember me as someone who sacrificed things to help others at times, and also as a person who reached out to other people. That, to me, is a life worth living. To lie on my death bed with family and friends' memories of me are about striving after the material things in this world would truly be a sad way to leave this life. After all, you will live on in the memories of others. It would be a shame to be remembered as someone that was selfish, arrogant, and pretentious. I actually want to be missed, and not become a figment of their imagination. 

Living in Southern California, I have met a lot more selfish, arrogant, and pretentious people more than anywhere I have ever lived. The reason why this is so is because the cost of living here is higher than most states, resulting in richer people who raise kids that develop high standards of living along with a sense of entitlement. Evidently, these kids have no idea what real struggles are, only read about them in college books about other cultures and upbringings. Even then, it does not humble them very much. I have started to become immune to this, in the sense that it isn't eating me up like it used to. Instead, I am able to deflect the nonsense and have no expectations of people anymore, which is a rather good thing. I didn't realize I had expectations from people until I moved here. There is a reason for everything after all.

At the end of my day now, I actually feel sorry for some of the people out here. They are dominated by the desires of our pop culture, but no one has taught them differently. It makes me really happy not to fit in with this way of thinking. That is a major reason why I am at peace with myself. While many people are suffering from anxiety and stress, I am relaxed and calm in the middle of this storm of a city. Take a look around in nature, no other creatures are stressing out the way humans do. I learn so much from that. I refuse to be pushed around by societal expectations. I am my own person. I determine what success means, not celebrities, not politicians, not CEO's, not 4.0 students, not anyone. My friends and family's attitude towards me is what tells me if I am the type of person I respect and admire. 

"I do not think the measure of a civilization is how tall its buildings of concrete are, but rather how well its people have learned to relate to their environment and fellow man."

-Sun Bear of the Chippewa Tribe 

Technology manners are born after all

I have mentioned the lack of manners in different posts about smart phone abusers and social site idiots. This mother's blog brings tears to my eyes, as she formally addresses the rules to her son's new iPhone Christmas gift. I am so excited to see that I am not some overreacting, tense human being when it comes to technology and the manners that should come with it.

Janell Hofman, you are one respectable, admirable mother! Here is her iPhone contract she wrote for her son when he opened his gift. It is music to my ears.

Janell's iPhone Contract

The interview with the son and mom

What a great way to start my day. Janell Hofman, you almost make me want a child. :-)